Should You Save Your Marriage? I really don’t know if you should save your marriage. It’s not uncommon I’ll hear from betrayed spouses who feel shamed, manipulated or almost pushed into reconciliation due to some religious belief or traditional thought about forgiveness, reconciliation and ‘obeying God.’ The fact is, I wouldn’t tell you to “Go save your marriage.” If you talk to the staff of Affair Recovery long enough, as well as me, you’ll hear all of them say it’s about “Seeing if the marriage can be saved.” Right now, you probably just don’t know. At the onset of my exposure, I wanted to save the marriage for sure, but mostly for the kids. Samantha genuinely wasn’t sure at all if she wanted to save the marriage, and she was a pastor’s wife. She was obviously torn due to 10 years of marriage, three kids, and the youngest that was five weeks old. Talk about a difficult situation, it was excruciating for her. Time and time again, spouses (both betrayed and unfaithful) just aren’t sure what they want to do. One of the best ways to scare away a betrayed spouse and cause them to retreat and refuse any form of recovery help at all is to say “Let’s go and save our marriage.” It implies that the unfaithful is not in touch with the enormity of what they have done and they want to ‘rush’ recovery and ‘expedite the healing process and get after it, though the betrayed has barely had time to come to grips with it all. The betrayed many times just isn’t sure yet, and that’s OK. It’s not OK to NOT get help, though you’re unsure what you ultimately want to do. If you get help from an expert, they will still be able to help you process the trauma of it all, without forcing you to make a decision, and focus on the process this will require. The best time to get help was yesterday. The second best time to get help is now, despite the uncertainty of it all. A better suggestion to approach is as follows. I would suggest moving forward, (if the spouse will) with a “Let’s go see if the marriage can be saved.” It implies that you’re not going to rush, manipulate or shame them into recovery or restoration. It implies and expresses a freedom and security to the betrayed, as well as the unfaithful sometimes, which makes allotment for the spouse’s willingness to comply, not be made to do something. This helps to take the pressure off and creates a simply openness to get help for the process, rather than immediately come to some forced or rushed decision. Side note: In times where both spouses are very sure they want to pursue restoration, I would highly suggest both spouses refrain from any mind games and very boldly communicate and affirm to one another that you do in fact, want to save the marriage. There is little time for mind games, playing hard to get, or a ‘you first’ mentality when both spouses are sure they want restoration.
