Thanks so much to you, your cameraman and the rest of the AR family for continuing to make these videos. In uncertain times, they are a lifeline for those of us who are on this journey with AR. With the disruption of our lives while we are facing a mandatory state order to “Shelter IN Place” for an unknown amount of time, these videos are a blessing.

Hi Samuel,

I've been watching many of your videos/blogs and have signed up for the H4H course. I'm the unfaithful spouse and my wife has requested temporary separation. We are not legally separated but living in different apartments at the moment. I agreed to the separation because I knew that she needed time and space. But since we did not set any conditions for this separation I have no idea what is happening with "us." It's been 8 weeks since D Day and 6 weeks since we've been separated. Communication has improved in the last 3 weeks as we were seeing each other once a week, and this week twice already. We normally have a meal together at my place or hers. I've tried asking her how she's doing and how she's feeling, but she refuses to open up and show/discuss with me. However, this past Saturday, she did ask me how my therapy is going. And I started describing to her what I've been doing and what I have learned thus far, but still have more to understand and work on. It's an on-going process I told her truthfully. And I tried to ask her how she was, and how she was feeling, but she didn't say more than just "I'm doing ok." I sense that she does miss me at times and thinks about us, but she doesn't often reach out. I feel as though I'm mostly the one trying to get in touch with her and initiating contact. Given that she is the one who asked for space, I also do not want to seem needy/annoying to her. How can I tell/judge whether what I'm doing is right or not? And given the separation, how do I help her change the way she sees me? And how are we to work through this if we are separated? I don't even know whether she's decided or not if she wants to work on our marriage. She acts tough as though things seem to be okay but I feel as though it isn't the case. She's lost significant weight and not much appetite to eat, so I've been cooking meals and delivering them over to her. I'm truly confused as to how I can help her heal and show that I care when we are separated and I'm not sure whether she even wants me to be reaching out. Should I stop trying to reach out and wait until she reaches out to me? I just do not want to further push her away by getting in touch too often.

I am about 14 months past D-day. I am the betrayed. My husband immediately wanted to focus on our unhappiness in life. He made a mistake in the past, had handled it himself and moved beyond it. His opinion was/is that asking for phone/credit card bills, requiring counseling, etc was demands put on him. We told our children we were divorcing and he move out about 1 year ago. I went to counseling, HH through AR and continue to work on healing. The divorce process has been slow, he owns his own business and was not up to date with bookkeeping. I have discovered some financial infidelity, which he does not seem to understand the significance of. He has recently started asking questions, trying to understand the past and what his deficiencies were and my perspective. On one hand I respect that. On the other, it is very hard mentally to go down that road now/again. I started that for myself over a year ago. I am not sure it is healthy for me to do this. It is emotional and confusing that he would want to do this now. I asked for his purpose. I do have some fear that it is manipulation as he also continues to ask me to drop the divorce process for now, he needs more time to catch up. His reply is wouldn’t it be good to learn from our mistakes and that he would like a friendship more than just being able to get along in front of our kids. We both agree that we do well working together when it comes to the kids. I answered some of his questions and then suggested he and/or we go to a counselor if he has more questions. I can’t say he refused but now wants a reason that a counselor would benefit if we are divorcing. He has had the opinion that he can think for himself and doesn’t need someone else to tell him what to do. I am afraid if I go down this road he will manipulate. He can’t understand why I struggle with feeling safe - he has spent the last year providing financially while going through the divorce process. Does is seem healthy do work on recovery WITH him at this point? I would hate to be blinded by my own fears but I don’t see the benefit at this point. I feel if he wants this healing than maybe he should do it himself. He says he has been doing recovery work - himself. He has not sought outside help or resources.

Thank you to Samuel and his cameraman for producing this video.My husband and I just watched it together. Honestly, there are a lot of videos that I can’t watch with him because the people doing the videos often use laughter as a coping mechanism and it is like an arrow to my heart. I’m grateful that I have never seen this in Samuel’s videos. As the BW, I can tell you it means do much to me to be able to watch these videos with my husband, or by myself without being triggered by what seems to be people making light, through laughter, of a life destroying topic. Thanks to Samuel for your professional and serious demeanor, showing equal empathy for both the betrayed and the unfaithful.

Samuel, once again I am so encouraged by your vlog today. We are 6 years out from the original D-day. The most recent bomb was 4 mos ago. This time we are venturing down the road of sexual addiction therapy and I am trying to get my head and heart around what recovery is supposed to look like with addiction in the mix. I WANT to see my husband differently! I am being told now that I forgave too quickly in 2014. That I did not give consequences or set healthy boundaries, and that my openness to starting "fresh" only enabled him to string me along while still delving in his secret life. This is TOUGH!! I know that forgiveness is the only way to move forward for both of us. I do not ever want to put a label on anyone other than beloved. I am still believing for a miracle. I know that "I NEED" one as much as he does in order for us to rebuild trust.

Samuel, First of all your videos have been tremendous in helping me get through the worst times of my life. You really "get it". I have a bit of an unusual circumstance that does not get addressed much in all these boards (keep in mind I am in HH, Married for Life, EMSO, individual Therapy, tried EMDR, pastor counseling, and my wife did H4H, and have about 5 close betrayed friends who have worked with me unfortunately all female). I was betrayed 20 years ago and just found out 11 months ago unlike almost every person in all my groups and in talking with others I saw NO as in ZERO problems with my wife or our marriage. I see the statement that you and others make about post infidelity that your marriage is "now better" or we "fixed our deficiencies" to make a better life or marriage. I thought we has a GREAT marriage as did my wife (she really says this even after 16 Ddays) but multiple infidelities over 15 years proves strongly that was not the case. We both are having a hard time saying it can or will be better. I don't know what to do as we never fought, spent a ton of good time together, had God, very supportive church, 33 years together, great families, wonderful hobbies, enough money to make meaningful difference in our lives and others. I see hope in a future but the past which was ripped out from me is now so tainted. How can I wish for a better future when I thought that is the life I had for the last 33 years...I know i have to let go of that but I have to say to this point that is a struggle. We are fairly well known as a "great" couple in my area so I wonder if my pride gets in the way?
I try to live life in an astonishing authentic way so finding a whole secret life of my wife is a wound so large it is hard to describe. Lots wrapped up in the statement above but thanks for all you do and the wonderful help you give others (and to think you were unfaithful! :)

I know I am loved and in a very good spot with God, family, work and life but I counted my wife's support as equal or above all of that.

Samuel,
Just started listening to your utube videos. I wish I knew of you 7 years ago. My wife had a long-term affair probably at least 5 years before d-day. Was with our best friends. He got divorced and we decided to work on the marriage. She wouldn't answer any questions and he lived 5 houses down. Walked past my house every night. Long story short. I made it another 5 years....but everytime I felt comfortable, he would show up again. Just one example- a year after d day, his wife ( they were still married) found a phone with my wifes number on it. I finally divorced..if I hadn't I'm sure she would have. I don't want her back. My only question I have left is wondering why I feel like I'll never find someone better. To say I was co-dependant is an understatement. Also, gas lit beyond belief. Any advice on how to just let it go.

Samuel,
I appreciate your reply. We have been officially divorced about a year and a half. D-day was approximately November 2014. She had told me on vacation August 2014 that we had become room mates. On a night in November, she came home with the kids and I asked if she had got my message. She said that she had not gotten any messages in the last couple days. As a christian, I felt the Lord tell me to get the phone and when I did, he spoke to me and very quickly had told me it was in airplane mod. He said to hang on to the phone and when it came back up...all the messages were there. That was discovery for me. We were best friends and our families traveled together. I never knew the extent of the affair, but my guess is probably at least 5-6 years before d-day. Her first text was, He knows...
Long story but she wouldn't answer any questions and would not go to therapy. I went for a 1 1/2. I worked a lot of hours and ran a large retail store ( I worked a lot). She went once and lasted about 15 minutes. She is very introverted and will not share. The 5 years before the divorce he kept popping up and I could never get my hands around what it was. He got divorced shortly after d-day and told his wife and kids that he had kissed my then wife. I was devastated as the kids were best friends and they found out as well. Every time I thought I was OK, something would happen. I think not knowing was the worst. To this day, I think they are together, but not sure. I have read a lot of books on the subject and have listened to a ton of YouTube videos. I found yours to be on point with what I feel. I was doing fine, but recently I was told she is with someone ( I assume him). I truly do not want her back and I realize I deserve better and in my mind says that I could never even figure out what happened. I lost my career, my home. At some point seeing him walk past my house every night was the end. I felt as though out of the four of us I was the last man standing. (both couples) She had said that she thought I didn't love her and that she thought we would just part ways when the kids were out of school. I don't think they thought I would try so hard. Felt like I was fighting an unwinnable battle since day 1.
I keep two thoughts that I am trying to rid myself of.
1. It was all my fault
2. I will never find anyone better

thanks

How can I explain flooding properly. Can you help with that?