Anytime we decide to do something, there is a period of time between making that decision and achieving the desired result. Many call this the ‘gap.’  It’s the excruciating process where motives are tried, tested, developed, pruned, purified and shaped to form the end result. In this quotient of gap, it’s many times our marriage and our own attitude and perspective which are refined and, honestly, it’s less than thrilling. If it’s our marriage which is being ‘processed’, it means both my mate and myself are going through this sifting. This in turn makes the future uncertain and unpredictable, as I can’t control whether or not my spouse remains dedicated and committed to the entire process. 

But in the gap is where the marriage is either saved and redeemed or obliterated. I see more and more people start well, but give up too soon in their marriage, their business, or in raising their kids.

We quit many times due to fatigue with the process, or frustration that we are not seeing what we had hoped to see by now.

Most quit while they are in the gap. But the gap is where the hard work is really done and where the process takes shape. Here are a few hard lessons Samantha and I needed to learn while we were in the gap.

1.       If there is something you don’t want to talk about, and you have to tip toe around it, it needs to be addressed. The fact that you’re afraid to talk about it reveals just how un-healed the wound is.  

Usually we don’t want to talk about it because we’re afraid that if we bring it up again, it will set each other back. But if we can’t talk about the issue objectively for fear we are going to blow up, or for fear that we will stir it all up again, then quite honestly, it’s not been healed at all and needs to be talked about further in a safe, objective way. You’ll need help to do this for sure. Let me know if I can provide any insight for you.

2.       Getting angry at your spouse for not being healed yet, or forgiving you yet, will never work and only reveals your heart of pride, impatience, and destructive self-absorption towards them.

This was tough, as eventually I grew very frustrated with Samantha for not being healed yet. I was rushing her and I was upset that she couldn’t get past this or that. Looking back, I can see with great clarity and sobriety how much of an arrogant twit I was towards her pain which I had created. It took men like Rick, and another I respected, to help me understand she needed more time than I was giving her, and that my impatience with her own timeline to grieve only revealed the pride and arrogance in me. When I was truly aware of my arrogance, my response instead was, “However long it takes Samantha, I’m willing to take to see you, and me, and us healed.”

3.       You will most likely kill each other or your marriage if you try to cut corners and just suck it up while you’re in the gap.

Refusing to get help with the process will ensure disaster my friends. Believe me, I was writing checks for two mortgages, and had no job when we got the help we needed. I was scared to death, but the only way I was allowed to stay in the home with Samantha and the kids was if we got the best help we could afford and find for our marriage. The site here has a ton of free articles and there are several courses to choose from. They have payment plans. Take it from me, please don’t think you’re smart enough to fix you, or your spouse, or your marriage, or the cancer that is eating away at your marriage due to infidelity or addiction on your own. After all, your best efforts have gotten you here.