I broke 14 years ago when he said something to me and rejected me for a deep dark secret I told him. Emotionally and mentally I became lost and dealt with his rejection in a horrific way. With a handful of men. Never told him. Pushed it out of my mind. Blocked it all and just kept it a secret. Failed again after nearly 2 years and had an affair which resulted in a child. We divorced. His want, not mine. We got back together and remarried 10 months later. Fast forward to dec 14 2017 when I find out he’s been having an 8 month long EA and PA. This is on top of the 2 other affairs he had within an 8 week period right when we first got back together. So, during a weekend away about 3 weeks after I find out about his affair, I tell him about what happened from 13 years ago. And of course over the next few months it’s the famous trickle truth.... because that’s what we do when we are so afraid of more hurt towards our loved ones. FF to now.... 1 year into this so called recovery in which I’M the problem. MY indiscretions are the sole focus. ALL THE TIME. Our marriage counseling always turns into a one on one with hubby and the focus being on my past. I stopped going. No point. Hubby has ALWAYS held on to the past. From childhood to now. Doesn’t let anything go. Ever. I’m not saying forgive and forget. I know this takes time. But when steps are continually being made BACKWARDS then we get nowhere and fast. I’m tired of all the focus being on me and what I did. His affairs are never addressed. I’m the rootball of his major depression, his longing to be dead.... to jump off a building.

I told him, take all the time you need. I’m here and I’ll be here. Just like your video said. Yeah, that didn’t work out do well.

I’m here still because I believe in this fight. Our marriage. That recovery can happen. I refuse to quit. To give up. At just one year into the entire truths coming out from my affairs of over 14 years ago and finding out about his affair too. But I can’t fight this battle singlehanded. Or can I?