Samuel - You have a gift of speech and an ability to talk in a way that while watching your VlogI feel like you are speaking directly to me. God bless you for embracing this ministry an sharing so much of yourself ignored to help us understand this painful process...and God Bless your dear wife for supporting you in this effort, tell her Thank You for sharing.

#1 what is my roll in supporting H in processing his shame and recovery process in general? He frequently seeks reassurance from me and I don't always feel safe enough to give it... sometimes Im overwhelmed and frustrated because he has not been very effective in showing consistent ownership and support for my recovery - I now feel like to do the "right thing" or "christ like" thing means setting my feelings aside so that I can comfort or help him with his process. Especially when I see him being genuine and showing vulnerability (which is rare), I want to comfort him - but this gets really confusing at times because i feel like I end up denying my own needs to do this....does that make sense?

#2 Original D day for EA was 2 years ago, then more discoveries in July and 3 weeks ago a huge change in disposition from H stating he is ready to be authentic and share his feelings, committing to join me in the recovery process. After a week of soul-searching, he offered disclosure of 2 lies he told (one involving communication with AP and the other one regarding time spent outside work with different female coworkers) and shared more feeling EA/AP - This clarified some of the "crazy making" in my head; however, there is still so many circumstances that he denies any clear explanations for. One huge stalemate is GPS location showing something very different than where he states he was (over a mile difference) - this is a very hard because he vehemently dismisses the evidence and so desperately wants me to believe that was failure of technology and he was indeed at his stated location, the fact I struggle believing him completely deflates him. H is adamant that he has told me everything there is to tell. He claims the lies are done and that he will have full transparency moving forward. I believe in the power of prayer and that it is totally possible (With Gods Help) that we can make the repairs and come out with a relationship far better than it ever was; I definitely believe that people can change....however, I'm human and my faith is challenged by the fact that there is still so much left for my imagination to fill in the blanks. Even regarding the original EA - the only evidence is the online cellphone bill showing excessive call/texting activity did not match up to his completely deleted history on his cell phone. I have only his word identifying that it was ever "just talking" and that includes his more recent disclosures - there is nothing but his word that he is telling the truth. Is it possible to truly move beyond all of this when there are still so many unanswered questions? Everyday he has surprised me with his demonstration of humility offering self reflected apologies and sharing authentic feels best he can. We both struggle with conflict avoidance and rarely have difficult conversations with out giving up because we are both flooded - never resolving anything....but we have had several conversations where we practiced our newly learned skills and were able to feel successful in communicating our needs. We have made more progress in 2 weeks then we did in 2 years (really almost 25 years of marriage). However, the last few days have been full of flooding and frustration, he struggles - wanting to pretend normal - and Im in a 'wait and see' stage, just let it be what it is....

Im not asking you to predict our future - Im just hoping you can share what rings true to what you have seen in the past. Please provide any advice for both of us as we move forward and start EMSO. I believe we can do this as long as we both fully and authentically own our part. Thank you!

Thank you!