Over the next few blogs I’m going to be tackling what I call some “nagging questions” that many ask me (and Rick) consistently. They will all be featured in my book so this will be a great way to polish them and obtain necessary feedback from you all as well. I always enjoy constructive feedback on the blog, especially from those in the trenches.

Will my spouse ever be the same again? The short answer is no. If you’re the unfaithful spouse, I would hope you do not want to remain the same, but pursue recovery to find the person God has created you and your spouse to now become in light of all that has changed. This whole nightmare may be the very impetus that begins the process of transformation in your life that both you and your spouse have been looking for.

For the betrayed, while you probably never asked for or deserved this, it can be a vehicle of raw and powerful transformation to your life. Time and time again I have heard betrayed spouses tell me with tears in their eyes, that though they wouldn’t wish it on anyone, it’s been an incredible vehicle of both personal and marital transformation. When you’re in the middle of the pain and suffering, it’s hard to think it’s being used for good, but it is. If you’ll trust the process (provided it’s a good one) you’ll find great healing and hope.

If you’ve betrayed your spouse, I’m sure you’re wondering if your spouse will ever be the same again. I have to tell you, they will not. They have had their lives rocked to the core and to think they will simply return to who they were before the affair(s) I think is ill-informed at best. It will take the process working to help them find the new man or woman they can and will become. Their lives will never be the same again, but it doesn’t mean they will never be a wonderful person of love, joy and safety. Provided the right recovery methods are put in place and provided you take the time and energy to get healthy yourself, you give both yourself and your spouse a great opportunity for the event to be used for good and not harm.

I’m no longer the same person I was 9 years ago. It’s been a process for sure and there have been layers and stages to that process. I thank God more often than you would believe that I’m no longer the person I was 10 years ago. In all honesty, Samantha is also not the person she was. She’s found not only healing but also transformation which has flowed out of the mess that I created in my own selfishness and dysfunction. Don’t get me wrong, we both can relapse and we both can fall backwards in our recovery. From old habit patterns, to old ways of dealing with each other, to giving each other left overs and our best to our jobs, our kids or even our other friends. We can go backwards quite quickly and easily if were not true to the changes we have implemented in our lives.

Samantha is no longer the same person she was before the affair, and it’s a credit to two things: 1. our recovery methods we were able to find and utilize 2. her Godly Christian character to forgive and pursue healing and restoration. Rick often times says you can’t be loved unconditionally if you’re only conditionally known. I was able to come clean and share who I was, and found love and acceptance by Samantha, even at my darkest time as a man and as a husband.

You can’t go back to what you had. It’s gone forever. It’s been blown to bits by either your choices or your spouse’s, and while you can’t go back, you can find healing and restoration to experience a new marriage, which just may be better than you ever imagined it could be.