Bad Advice Blog
I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately. That happens to me from time to time and I am sure it’s nothing compared to what you must be going through. But what gets me is the advice I keep getting from well-meaning friends and family. If I wasn’t down, I’m sure some of it would be downright funny. So far I’ve been told to “get over it,” “quit my job,” “get rid of my stress” (that’s something I’d like to do, but I’m not sure life will cooperate), “turn my underwear inside out,” “cut lose and get drunk,” “relax more”…
And that’s just for a funk. The advice many of my clients have been given is far more outrageous.
So, in hopes of gaining perspective, we’re going to have a bad advice contest. Just post a few sentences about the worst advice you’ve been given about infidelity.
To healing,
Rick
Congratulations
To our winner from November 2012: Anonymous with the randomly selected entry "After Discovering my Husbands." We hope you and your spouse will be able to join the next class of EMS Online
To our winner from October 2012: Duwayne with the randomly selected entry: "Bad Advice". We hope you and your spouse will be able to join the next class of EMS Online.
To our winner from September 2012: Nour with the randomly selected entry: "What did you expect?". We hope you and your spouse will be able to join the next class of EMS Online.
Comments
Bad Advice
"You must have done something to make him stray. Figure out what you did wrong." That one hurt the most. I wracked my brain trying to figure out 'what I did!'. I still see the accusation from people who feel this way, but I know my husband was responsible for his own sin. I may have failed in some areas, but nothing ever deserved this type of betrayal.
Also, "he doesn't deserve you, just move on." That may be true....but I loved this man who broke my heart. I wanted healing, not a replacement.
Bad advice
Be careful about counsellors.
Thank you for this comment. I
Thank you for this comment. I have been cheated on and my counselor keeps making me feel that I am the reason this happened. I dont want to hear this. My husband cheated because he had low self esteem issues. It is not fair that I am blamed for these and asked to work on things. I know I have to work on things, but it is something that I will do anyway. Arent counselors supposed to make you feel better?
question
Hi Rick,
To gain more perspective in my own situation (My husband was the one who cheated)
How long has it been now since discovery?
How long have you been "getting over it" as they ask of us?
Bad advice
NEVER EVER GIVE UP YOUR SOURCES
Bad Advice
Bad Marriage Advice
Bad Advice
"Is Your God Big Enough, Or Not? Do You Believe God Can Heal Your Marriage, Or Not? And If You Don't Believe It, Then Just Throw Your Bible In The Trash Right Now!"
It was weeks after discovery and the wave of devastation had begun to wax and wane just a bit compared to the tidal wave that knocked me off my feet and held me underwater for those first days.
This day the pain was waxxing extremely high. All the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that accompany betrayal were peaking yet again. In hindsight I truly do not know if his response was genuine, or if perhaps it was generated by his slowly-deteriorating patience with me to recover and move on. But that day my Pastor entered my personal space, looked deeply into my eyes and asked me, "Is your God big enough, or not?"
He pressed on with, "Do you believe God can heal your marriage? And if you don't then you might as well just throw your Bible in the trash right now!"
At that moment my husband was off the hook. His infidelity was no longer the issue. The question at hand now was pointed toward me - - toward me and my God.
I was being held hostage by my own Pastor. He had become a terrorist. The horizontal pain and devastation that I was suffering because of my husband's affair had been trumped by the condition of my vertical relationship with the Lord. Deep down in my heart of hearts I know he knew I would cave. I would cave, and he knew it, because this Pastor knew how devoted I was to the Lord. He knew I would not - - I could not - - give in and give up to heresy. He knew I would not deny the power of the Lord to heal and restore. Other questions followed: "Do you TRUST GOD to heal your marriage?" "Don't you believe God wants your marriage to succeed?"
The answers were all the same. Of course I did. So I said so, and from that day forward I was never allowed to speak of the affair again. Ever.
That moment was the moment when post-traumatic-stress-disorder (ptsd) was planted in my soul and 22 years later it broke through the soil of my life. Twenty-two years later, after walking away from the discovery of my husband's affair with no counseling, no answers, no resolution whatsoever, it finally errupted from deep down in my shattered, scarred-over soul and tried to kill me all over again.
So, the absolute worst advice you could give to a person walking through the aftermath of betrayal would be to hijack their life and demand that they trust God, or else.
It's simple...
I had the same experience.. except my pastor said, after a big sigh, making me feel that he had had about enough of my visits. Do you want your marriage or not.
That simple.
bad advice
"Dress sexier and flirt with him" this was particularly difficult to take since my husband has refused to be physically intimate for over a decade(not something easy to talk about) and his affairs were ALL online and by phone. Also, there are some strong indicators that he is struggling with same-sex attraction.
REALLY Bad Advice
Bad Advice
Bad Advice
The worst advice...
bad advice
Wish my wife felt that way
Stop trying to fix me up!
Worst advice ever for dealing with infidelity contest entry EMS
What did you expect?
Bad Advice
Someone To Talk To
bad advice
After discovering my husbands
Bad Advice
Bad Advice
The worst advice I received was from a professional who had "helped thousands of couples" He said, "Put the affari aside for a while and just work on your marriage. How could I do that when 1) it was not the first relationship he had outside of our marriage and 2) it had been going on for 6 of the 18 years we had been married. How can you just put it aside and work on the marriage when you are no longer sure what marriage is and what it looks like? I could not do it. I needed to know the truth and my husband was not very forthcoming with the truth.
Best Bad Advice
One week after D-Day while dumping on a friend, and wondering if things could possibly be made right again and my marriage relationship reconciled, she offered to pay for a pyschic "reading" with her friend so that I could know exactly how things were going to turn out - and then I would know exactly what to do. I declined..
Bad Advice
bad advice
Horrible Hypnonsis Advise
A friend suggested that we see a Hypnotherapist that could help us "forget" the affair and all the pain, anger, etc. that goes along with it. Hard to imagine something like this could be forgetable or that anyone could believe that being hypnontized could be the answer.
We obviously didn't even consider a suggestion like this!
Horrible Hypnosis Advice
One of our friends encouraged us to go and see a hypnotist to have her/him remove the affair from our thoughts and all the pain, anger, etc. that goes along with it. The said this would be a way to start "Fresh"
We obviously did NOT take our "friends" advice!
Someone said that you should
Someone said that you should just give her divorce papers first that way you can see if she is really serious about ending the marriage.
The Other Women Told Me
After 19 years of marriage my husband had an affair with a family friend. A few months after D day the other woman told me that she had been in my place before with her ex husband and that I would get through it and be fine. She tried to convince me that she didn't love her current husband and that he didn't love her and that I didn't love my husband and he didn't love me. She told me to let my marriage go and look forward. I didn't take her advise and my truely remorseful husband and I are working very hard on rebuilding our marriage. This is still a very huge emotional journey for both of us.
worst advice
Bad Advice
Bad Advice
Bad Advice