"You must have done something to make him stray. Figure out what you did wrong."  That one hurt the most.  I wracked my brain trying to figure out 'what I did!'.  I still see the accusation from people who feel this way, but I know my husband was responsible for his own sin.  I may have failed in some areas, but nothing ever deserved this type of betrayal. 

Also, "he doesn't deserve you, just move on."  That may be true....but I loved this man who broke my heart.  I wanted healing, not a replacement. 

Hi Rick,

To gain more perspective in my own situation (My husband was the one who cheated)

How long has it been now since discovery?

How long have you been "getting over it" as they ask of us?

"Is Your God Big Enough, Or Not?  Do You Believe God Can Heal Your Marriage, Or Not?  And If You Don't Believe It, Then Just Throw Your Bible In The Trash Right Now!"

It was weeks after discovery and the wave of devastation had begun to wax and wane just a bit compared to the tidal wave that knocked me off my feet and held me underwater for those first days.

This day the pain was waxxing extremely high.  All the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that accompany betrayal were peaking yet again.  In hindsight I truly do not know if his response was genuine, or if perhaps it was generated by his slowly-deteriorating patience with me to recover and move on.  But that day my Pastor entered my personal space, looked deeply into my eyes and asked me, "Is your God big enough, or not?"

He pressed on with, "Do you believe God can heal your marriage?  And if you don't then you might as well just throw your Bible in the trash right now!"

At that moment my husband was off the hook.  His infidelity was no longer the issue.  The question at hand now was pointed toward me - - toward me and my God. 

I was being held hostage by my own Pastor.  He had become a terrorist.  The horizontal pain and devastation that I was suffering because of my husband's affair had been trumped by the condition of my vertical relationship with the Lord.  Deep down in my heart of hearts I know he knew I would cave.  I would cave, and he knew it, because this Pastor knew how devoted I was to the Lord.  He knew I would not - - I could not - - give in and give up to heresy.  He knew I would not deny the power of the Lord to heal and restore.  Other questions followed:  "Do you TRUST GOD to heal your marriage?"  "Don't you believe God wants your marriage to succeed?"

The answers were all the same.  Of course I did. So I said so, and from that day forward I was never allowed to speak of the affair again.  Ever.

That moment was the moment when post-traumatic-stress-disorder (ptsd) was planted in my soul and 22 years later it broke through the soil of my life.  Twenty-two years later, after walking away from the discovery of my husband's affair with no counseling, no answers, no resolution whatsoever, it finally errupted from deep down in my shattered, scarred-over soul and tried to kill me all over again. 

So, the absolute worst advice you could give to a person walking through the aftermath of betrayal would be to hijack their life and demand that they trust God, or else. 

"Dress sexier and flirt with him" this was particularly difficult to take since my husband has refused to be physically intimate for over a decade(not something easy to talk about) and his affairs were ALL online and by phone. Also, there are some strong indicators that he is struggling with same-sex attraction.

The worst advice I received was from a professional who had "helped thousands of couples"  He said, "Put the affari aside for a while and just work on your marriage.  How could I do that when 1) it was not the first relationship he had outside of our marriage and 2) it had been going on for 6 of the 18 years we had been married.  How can you just put it aside and work on the marriage when you are no longer sure what marriage is and what it looks like?  I could not do it.  I needed to know the truth and my husband was not very forthcoming with the truth.

One week after D-Day while dumping on a friend, and wondering if things could possibly be made right again and my marriage relationship reconciled, she offered to pay for a pyschic "reading" with her friend so that I could know exactly how things were going to turn out  - and then I would know exactly what to do. I declined.. 

A friend suggested that we see a Hypnotherapist that could help us "forget" the affair and all the pain, anger, etc. that goes along with it.  Hard to imagine something like this could be forgetable or that anyone could believe that being hypnontized could be the answer. 

We obviously didn't even consider a suggestion like this!

One of our friends encouraged us to go and see a hypnotist to have her/him remove the affair from our thoughts and all the pain, anger, etc. that goes along with it.  The said this would be a way to start "Fresh"

We obviously did NOT take our "friends" advice!

Someone said that you should just give her divorce papers first that way you can see if she is really serious about ending the marriage.

After 19 years of marriage my husband had an affair with a family friend.  A few months after D day the other woman told me that she had been in my place before with her ex husband and that I would get through it and be fine.  She tried to convince me that she didn't love her current husband and that he didn't love her and that I didn't love my husband and he didn't love me.  She told me to let my marriage go and look forward.  I didn't take her advise and my truely remorseful husband and I are working very hard on rebuilding our marriage.  This is still a very huge emotional journey for both of us.