Rick's Q & A Call on January 28

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) 12 years ago

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas

Changing Habits

Submitted by [name hidden] on
submitted anonymously via emailI am currently participating in one of the EMSO groups and have also been following your series of articles about changing our habits. I have found the articles quite insightful and thought-provoking and would like to get some more advice about putting some of it into action. In the examples you gave, Sally had identified the time of day (her husband coming home from work) which was setting off her questioning, as well as Jan who would pick up her phone to text once she got in her car in the morning. With that foresight, both could prepare a plan to put into place to short-circuit the old habit, and be ready at the expected time (or place), etc. But you also mentioned that sometimes our habits are triggered by how we might be feeling,or the mood we happen to be in. For example, eating sweets and junk when we're feeling down, or reacting badly when we're angry, and those types of things can pretty much happen at any given time or place. So my question is, how does one prepare for something like this when they usually can't see it coming (unlike Sally and Jan), and often end up recognizing what's going on a little too late, when they've already said a few things they might regret and eaten through four bars of nutty chocolate? Thank you =)

Safety

Submitted by [name hidden] on
How can I recognize if it is safe to continue? It seems at times my wife wants the marriage, but she gets upset if I even question what her response is going to be if I follow her requests. For example, she asked me to remind her to shut things down and study, and to remind her not to eat unhealthy snacks, and in the past when I have, she has become angry and yelled at me for nagging her. If I remind her of that and ask if she will promise not to get upset, she says I am bringing up the past and should just get over it. She was the unfaithful one, and she has made promises that she may never be affectionate with me or give me love and intimacy ever again. Is there an action plan that can show her that how she treats me in this respect makes it impossible to trust her and makes me really want to just run for cover? She does not even seem to realize that she is pushing me away and making it impossible to ever feel safe with her.

Sex

Submitted by [name hidden] on
Submitted anonymously via email
I listened to the call with the sex therapist and thought it was really great information and point of view. Healthy and positive. My husband listened to it separately from me last night. Then we proceeded to discuss to some degree and I ended up in tears. He had a type II affair, so emotional and sexual. (FYI he is doing things now to make me feel safer, he is remoreseful, he is in the Hope for Healing class) I feel inadequate in sex now as the hurt spouse. I need to understand more about what goes on in the male betrayers mind during sex with me...does he want me to look like her, act like her, am I a let down? etc? Is he comparing? How do I get over feeling inadequate and pathetic in my own mind. I don't want any visual details of what they did because it will stick in my mind for sure. Of course he says things that say I have nothing to worry about, but he lied to me before, so how do I know? I'm don't want to think I need to compete with her and be like her, so how do I just be me?

Long Term VS Short Term Affair.

Submitted by [name hidden] on
My husband is in sales. For the last ten years he has had only one client. He called her "Smelly Cat" because she wore a lot of really loud perfume. She lives in San Antonio and we live in the DFW area. He never said ANYTHING good about her. She is very unattractive, missing teeth and over weight. It has been 19 months since I found out he has been sleeping with her for business. I was completely blind sided. Never saw that coming. When he was with her he was where he was supposed to be. She is our only source of income. She tried to move her business somewhere else and I basically let her know that it would be the end of her career. My husband kept extremely damaging evidence including pictures she sent him. When he tried to break it off she took business away. When he had sex with her she gave him business. All of this was documented with email and texts. Because of the amount of business she gave him it will take a very long time to replace her business. He has not seen her in 19 months. He actually has had very little contact with her. His CSR's handle almost everything. Her acct. is the second largest acct. his company has. So many people will be out of a job if that business gets moved elsewhere. It is beginning to be very noticeable that he is not working the acct. We have been working on our marriage seeing an EXCELLENT counseler and are enrolled in EMSO online but It doesn't seem as though we have gotten as far as we should. His boss is putting pressure on him to get back into the acct. We have told no one about the affair. He will have to make a trip to San Antonio this month. He says he will never be alone with her again. I have two questions does it take longer to recover from a long term affair than a short term affair? I feel responsible for our lack of progress. I was so unaware for TEN YEARS and even though I know the bad behavior has stopped I'm constantly afraid that I'm going to find out about something else. My second question is how can this arrangement possibly work. Although he has picked up a couple of new customers it takes a long, long time to get them up and running. Usually a year just to get software built. They are getting close to the end of the project they were working before D-Day. He is going to have to re-engage with her soon. I am not sure I can handle it. I'm afraid that I will lose my mind. There are so many people involved in this that are completely in the dark like I was. This could possibly take some small businesses down. Any advise would be wonderful. I feel completely trapped.