One of the few parts that I am struggling with is the idea that me and my spouse were each other's one and only. We were each other's first real relationship and first to share physical sexual intimacy with. It meant quite a lot to me in having that with my spouse. I will not sugarcoat and will admit I had my wrong doings in our relationship. In our early years, I messaged people of the opposite gender inappropriately and was very mean at times to my spouse. I have since showed remorse for my transgressions and have taken strides to reconcile. However, my spouse's affair has now made me feel as if I have been left behind or abandoned. As the affair did involve multiple sexual encounters with another person. The spouse now has external experience and memories, and I feel like I am left holding onto something that has no more value. Is it normal to feel like this? The affair went on for almost 10 months. We are about 8 months post-affair. At no point during the affair, was I chosen over the affair partner. I have tried watching videos, reading blogs, trying individual and couples therapy. Nothing has helped with this one mental wound. How can one move forward knowing and feeling like this? It is a mix of feeling hopeless, inadequate, and abandoned. I do not have any desire to want a "Hall Pass" or revenge affair to "even the score".