Hello: My follow up question is does the unfaithful have triggers, reminders, intrusive thoughts? Never mind how they/you respond to the betrayed reaction-- what's it like for you ( for example ifvSamatha wasn't there when you checked in and the front desk mentioned the AP's email)? What goes through the unfaithful's mind when one of "those" songs come on the radio, etc. Do both parties suffer PTSD?

My sucker punch came when my hubbys EAP showed up at our church. Its been 3 yrs or so. I always suspected she was still in the area but looked at our church as a sanctuary she couldnt touch. I was wrong. She followed me into the bathroom one service. We both came out of the stalls and washed our hands. I introduced myself, told her who i was and that i knew who she was. I told her that in an odd way it was an answer to prayer that she was in church because i had been praying for her. That it took 2 to make it happen but i chose to forgive. She was shaking and almost in tears and i was shocked at my calmness. She apologized but also added a few zingers ("he told me i wasnt the first") and things i knew to be lies ("i didnt know he was married and when i found out it was too late"). I told her i wished her the best and that we were doing great and walked back in and took my seat. Out of her presence i felt immediate peace. That had been my worst nightmare and it turned out ok. I was ok. I told my husband right after and he was like you, sorry and ashamed. When we first found out she was there i told him its the devil. We are doing great and he hates it. Not long after my talk with her she stopped showing up to church. Makes me sad for her kids but i selfishly want my church back although its been tainted. Ill look around for her at times, not always but the thought she might be there is there. Now my church itself is a reminder. Jeesh. However i refused then to let it take me, us down and i wont let it now. Just wanted to encourage other betrayeds: its possible your worst nightmare comes to fruition. But you can survive. And for me, i came out the other side stronger and more confident.

Samuel:
Great job on the blog. I thought I posed this comment/question to the blog last night and I don't see it here, so forgive me if it is a duplicate.

My question is, does the the unfaithful have triggers, reminders, flashbacks, suffer PTSD? What would you feel or have done if Samantha was not with you when you were checking into the hotel? How would you have felt?

What happens to the unfaithful when one of "those" songs comes on the radio? I mean, I get that you get all worried about attending to the betrayed in these circumstances (sometimes it annoys me when I am asked, "are you ok, I know that was tough." blah, blah, blah) and I think you all get worried that you are going to go to the "woodshed;" all that aside, is it a trigger, is it a memory?

My last point is that prior to meeting my husband, I was involved in two long term relationships and I still hold a fondness and a wish for my previous boyfriends to live the best life they can. I guess a part of me loves them (but not the way I love my husband), is it like that with an AP? What is it like for the unfaithful in relation to the AP.

I might be the minority here, but I don't agree with the "darkness" definition in this blog. The darkness, wasn't put there by some dark force, or evil, or something otherwise nonhuman. The darkness was put there by him, the blogger, the betrayer. It manifests because he put it there; seeded it, gave it roots. I think calling it anything but what it is, is a subversive cop-out. He has many good points, but I feel he manages to shirk some of his accountability by blaming what he planted, on evil.

After being with my husband for forty plus years, I found out that he was having an affair. The pain and anger I felt was unbearable. I felt as if I couldn't breath. How could he betray our family like this, what made him think it was okay to share himself with another woman when I felt that our marriage and family would never be compromised for selfish reasons? His explanation he felt I didn't care. I was in a daze and numb for a while. To imagine him with another woman, sharing all that I considered sacred and special between us made me ill physically as well as mentally. It's been almost one year and five months since I found out. It still is as if I found out yesterday. To see the phone log and other evidence of him seemingly enchanted by his AP and avoiding the truth when I ask questions has caused more harm than good, especially when I catch him in denial from time to time. He wants to work on our marriage but I can't trust him or work on our marriage without his total commitment in telling the truth and helping me have answers to why he willingly participated in an affair that is so destructive to what I thought we wanted for ourselves and our family. Since the day that I found out we have had counseling, it hasn't been as beneficial as expected, but he is given effort to keep us together. I still ask why? I look at the phone log and question how did he work, the phone calls were endless 24/7. He made time to be with her. He even bought a fruit for me thinking I was the one he had purchased it for when I had never eaten that particular fruit. I actually saw him talking with her one evening when I decided to go to where he said he was headed and when I asked he said it was a cousin of a coworker. The lies and deceit have caused me to question myself, him and who is this person? I told him if he had not lied, I asked for the truths so that we could be done with the anger and some of the pain and work on our marriage but instead he shutdowns, becomes angry and the shouting begins. I am glad to have seen the video that the husband and wife explains how being open and honest helps. I will share them with him. Hopefully it will help him to realize we can't go forward if he is afraid of opening up and answering my questions. He's still in counseling on an individual basis, I stopped because once the counselor we attended sessions together suggested he talk to another counselor and he no longer was in counseling, I didn't feel my being in counseling alone could help us as a couple. It's a struggle and we both want our marriage to survive this betrayal but the thoughts and pain I have is like a weight on my chest that's suffocating my whole being. There are a few times I feel like we can make it through this, but those times are few. I'm restless, hurt, and disheartened. How does a spouse cheat dishonoring their marriage and family until caught and then question "what was I doing, what was I thinking"? Why don't they think about how that changes the dynamics of their marriage and family and how destructive their deceit will affect everyone involved?