Q&A How Do We Overcome This Destructive Cycle?

I am the betrayed and my husband is the unfaithful. It seems that we are in an neverending cycle or dance - I feel sad because he is acting or pretending like everything is fine. When I bring this up to him and tell him what I feel - he becomes defensive, angry, and frustrated that whatever he is doing is not enough and retreats. It feels like he is so upset that what he is doing it not enough he is ready to give up. It seems like how ever I approach the topic of my feelings, without blame or anger, it doesn't matter. I have even tried the truth in love approach that we learned at EMS Weekend. It still makes him upset and he cannot be with me in that moment. How do we solve this cycle? We are both so tired as it been 2.5 yrs since D-day -though I only discovered the affair six months ago. The resources I have found here have been amazing. I don't think he has taken the time to read or listen to these resources though. He has not taken any leadership in our recovery and complains that he has done everything I have asked. I am afraid to suggest anything else - I don't know if I should just give up or how to move forward?