Does Time Heal All Wounds? Healing After An Affair The easiest–and cheapest–way to start on this journey is to take our free First Steps Bootcamp. It's an online guide with 100+ pages of content and a full-length video of a mentor couple who was in as big of a mess as it can get. You'll take a big sigh of relief when you have a clear plan and learn that you're neither crazy nor alone in this journey, whichever side of the infidelity you find yourself on. Start the Free First Steps Bootcamp Now! Have you ever had a torn rotator cuff? It's embarrassing to admit, but I tore my rotator cuff playing on our Xbox 360 Kinect. For those of you who don't know, this is a virtual game you play on the TV. I mistakenly believed that if I carefully protected my shoulder, it would heal on its own. Four months later, I saw that my plan didn't work; I needed to have surgery. The old saying "time heals all wounds" isn't necessarily true, especially when we're talking about healing after an affair. It's not time that heals all wounds but, rather, it's a matter of how that time is spent. Infidelity is one of those situations where doing nothing seems to make things worse. Why Projecting Your Pain Isn't Helpful While talking to one of our mentor couples, I asked, "In retrospect, what did you not know that you needed to know after the affair was discovered?" The betrayed spouse first said that she wished she'd realized the affair was not about her. She said had she known this, it would've allowed her to focus on real issues rather than trying to change in order to control her mate's choices. If she didn't cause it, she said, then she had very little leverage to control the outcome. When I asked her, "What was the least productive thing you did after discovery?" She said that it was her rage. She told me her first response was to try to make him hurt as badly as she was hurting. She said, "I wanted to punish him rather than explore what I needed to do to move forward." She added, "Not only did it not make me feel better, but it also kept me from moving forward because I was trapped playing the role of executioner." In retrospect, the one thing her husband could see was that getting the truth out was necessary before they could begin to heal. He said that the least productive thing he did was beat himself up with guilt and shame rather than begin to explore answers as to why he did it. He said, "Rather than trying to discover how I'd gotten here and what I needed to do to keep from repeating my mistakes, all I could think about was myself and how badly I'd screwed up." Now, he said he sees how beating himself up was only effective as long as he felt the pain. If he'd begun to explore what was driving his actions, he added, he could have shaved months off their recovery. How to Work Toward Healing After an Affair Infidelity creates a pain like almost no other in life and families. Lives hang in the balance of the choices we make upon disclosure. Mistakenly, we believe that simply letting time pass will heal all our wounds. It's what we do with the time that can create a pathway to healing, restoration and salvation. If we simply allow time to pass, alternatively, we can create a roadmap that keeps us stuck in our agony. Trust me: There is a better way to heal than simply letting time pass you by. At Affair Recovery, it's our mission to be a safe place for even the most broken of people walking through what seems like unending hurt and sadness. To date, our restorative courses and programs have helped thousands of participants with healing after an affair. Whether you're interested in EMS Online or EMS Weekend for couples, Harboring Hope for betrayed spouses or Hope for Healing for wayward spouses, our offerings are backed by numerous testimonials, including this one: "Harboring Hope has been the wisest choice I've made since learning about my husband's affairs and addiction. For more than six months, I tried doing it on my own. I wish I hadn't let my shame and brokenness keep me away because WOW! The Harboring Hope group was exactly what my soul needed: to be validated; a safe place to tell my story, to cry and, yes, to laugh; and know I wasn't alone. My story isn't over and yours isn't either. Join a Harboring Hope group and find hope and love!" April 2021 Harboring Hope participant. We understand what it means to heal from something as devastating as this, and we want to help guide you during this time. I truly hope you will consider doing something for yourself by registering in one of our life-changing, research-based courses. If you're in need of insight regarding any of our programs, please send an email to info@hope-now.com. Harboring Hope registration opens soon. Subscribe to be notified of monthly registration dates! You don't have to do this alone. Our online course for betrayed spouses provides support, direction, and a safe place for healing. It often sells out within a few short hours. Don't miss it! Learn More! Hope for Healing registration is coming up! Subscribe to be notified of monthly registration dates! This course offers community for isolation and healing for shame, and that's just the beginning. Learn More! EMS Online registration is just around the corner. Subscribe to be notified of monthly registration dates. EMS Online is our online course for couples to heal after infidelity. It often sells out quickly. "This course saved our marriage. We are closer now than we have ever been in 36 years of knowing each other." -L., alumnus Learn More! Sections: Must ReadNewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Recovery FundamentalsRL_Media Type: Video