Why Did They Choose the Affair Partner?
"What in the world attracted you to her? You're disgusting!" Sandy screamed.
Across town a similar conversation was going on between John and Margret.
"Are you kidding me?" John said in disbelief. "You're having an affair with an alcoholic who barely scrapes by? Do you really think he has the ability to support you? He only makes a tenth of what I earn." And yet another conversation: “Frank, how could you do this to me? She's 25 years younger than you! She's practically the same age as our daughter! What in the world could the two of you have in common?"
Disclaimer: Before I even start this article let me stress that there's no way I could ever write something that will be able to fully answer why your mate chose their affair partner (AP). Why someone becomes involved in an extramarital relationship can't be explained in a few paragraphs. While reading, please don't assume you know your mate's motivations. I promise you'll always get part of it wrong as it's impossible to pinpoint another person's motives. I do hope, however, to give some general reasons for why your mate may have chosen that particular person.
In past articles, I've addressed the justifications and motivations of those having affairs; this week, I'd like to tackle why the wayward spouse chooses the person they choose. What is it about that woman or that man that would cause someone to risk it all? Is it intentional or just chance? This topic could be an entire book, but hopefully I can help shed a little light for you on the topic.
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Learn More | Harboring HopeThe Missing 20%
I've always contended that people “affair-down,” if for no other reason than because it is an affair; it's not real. Even if they believe they've found someone who does a better job of meeting their needs than their mate, it simply isn't true. Their mate probably incorporates 80% of what they want and need, but their AP might possess the missing 20%. Why would someone trade the 80% for the 20%? In the moment, satisfying the longing created by the missing 20% seems like a good idea.
If two thirds of all marital problems are unsolvable, it's impossible for one person to meet all your needs. No amount of searching for the right person will ever yield the perfect match. Unrealistic expectations are a core issue when it comes to this degree of marital dissatisfaction, which may then lead one to search for someone who has the missing 20%. Take the example of John and Margret above. John is a steady, stable guy who provides for his family. His wife chose an AP who was just plain fun. She was chasing the 20% that she believed was missing from her marriage.
Seduction
Many won't like hearing this but, at times, the AP simply knows the right words to say. There are some "experienced APs" who've had serial affairs and are constantly trolling for their next victim. They are constantly casting a lure in the water to see if anyone will take the bait. That isn't an excuse, but if your spouse is insecure by nature, they are vulnerable to the person who knows how to say the right things to make them feel special. The person who takes the bait isn't a victim, they volunteer, but they do so because of how that person makes them feel. Leslie Hardie, the author of our Harboring Hope course, says "If you meet someone who always knows how to say just the right thing, run away as fast as you can." Someone that slick has had lots of practice.
Past History
Many affair partners are chosen out of past history. It turns out the attachments we form prior to marriage still exist at some level. When we reconnect with those individuals, rekindling past attachments is easy. The reasons why that relationship went by the wayside are long forgotten and the nostalgic feelings associated with days gone by make having an affair with that person simple.
Excessive Time and Familiarity
Many affair partners are chosen because of attachments created due to excessive time spent together in a shared activity that is absent of their mate. Online gaming, shared projects at work, serving together at church, or recreational sports might drive the affair. When time spent with another exceeds time spent with their spouse, choosing to connect with this individual can seem natural.
Authority Abuse
At times, the AP is chosen out of “magical thinking.” Mentors, pastors, therapists, teachers, and other authority figures are often chosen in this scenario. The respect and trust placed in this individual, as well as the hope generated by what they represent causes the potential AP to overvalue the relationship and an attachment is created. Magical thinking on the authority figure's part allows them to distort their mentee's respect and admiration and, through an abuse of their role as an authority figure, they take advantage of the mentee. This is called "authority abuse" and can be a criminal offense. In this instance, the AP chooses their victim.
Trauma Bonds
Past abuse can also drive how the AP is chosen. If there is unprocessed abuse in your spouse's past, they can be vulnerable to someone who treats them the same way as their original perpetrator. Choosing this type of AP is particularly confusing for the betrayed spouse because they can see the abuse and it makes no sense why their mate would hook up with an abusive person. In reality, the trauma bond compels them to choose someone with whom they can reenact the abuse.
Envy
Some choose their affair partner out of envy. They are drawn to characteristics in that person that they envy. Magical thinking causes them to believe that somehow connecting with that person allows them to possess those qualities. They tell themselves that being with that person somehow soothes the places where they feel inadequate. They think the AP makes them a better person.
Common History
There are times the AP is chosen out of common history or common circumstances. For instance, in cross-cultural marriages, an AP from their country of origin may give them the feeling of being understood. This can happen if two people grew up poor and felt ostracized, if both are children of alcoholics, or countless other "connections" they may find. The perception that this person “understands them” can draw them to the relationship.
Misery Loves Company
If the husband or wife begins commiserating with the AP about their miserable marriages, the validation they receive from telling the other person creates the bond for the affair. What's sad is this process causes them to focus only on the negatives in the marriage in order to justify the validation they are receiving from the AP.
The Willing Partner
Some individuals, as a result of sexual addiction – or because they've given themselves permission to stray for whatever reason – are looking for anyone willing to have an affair. Once they locate someone willing to interact with them, that person becomes the AP. The qualities they are looking for determine who that might be. For instance, if they just want sex, then they will hook up with someone who also wants to avoid attachments. Many relationships created on dating websites fall into this category.
Midlife Crisis
Those in a midlife crisis typically choose an AP who can help them feel young again. They are likely to choose someone who is 20 years younger than them. It's the youth and beauty of a person that makes them feel young again that drives their choice. They often are willing to be with someone much older as well.
This is not an exhaustive list and, as I said earlier, none of the above-mentioned items are excuses for having an affair! I do hope, however, that these descriptions provide some insight as to what commonly drives the choices made by wayward spouses. If you are the betrayed spouse and want help discerning and processing in a healthy manner why your partner had an affair, consider Harboring Hope. We'll walk though how you got here and help you learn how to take care of yourself in your recovery journey.
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Comments
Infidelity Trauma
I finally have a name for all this pain and suffering I am and have been going through for some time. Infidelity Trauma. My husband and I go back 48 years, The first time it should have been a warning but I was so much in love with him and starry eyed I did not get it. We was not married yet but living together for several moths. He would take off and go visit his Mother three hours away. Then one time he took me along. We had just gotten there and the door flew open and a young lady looked about 16 charged through the door. He was 21 then. She had a huge smile on her face until she saw me. Her smile faded, dropped her head and left. His brother was 16. Brother filled me in. They was dating, going to movies, out to eat. Number one. We continued and like a fool it went over my head and did not ask him about it. His Nephew lived six mile from us and suddenly he would there and not take me along. Claimed they was playing cards. His Nephews wife spilled it first. All of them including the Landlords wife had gone out to eat together. sometime later he told me ,"I have a girlfriend," I verified it on the phone talking to her. Number two.. As usual I went on as if nothing had happened. Then he bought propety in Virginia and was there from 1995 til 2000. He took our youngest son along down for the Summer and our son informed me how my husband and the neighbor woman who lived next door alone came when the arrived and they had a big argument. I gathered he did not want her there because our son was there. Number three. He moved back to PA in 2000 and later sold the place. Ous older son had put a Trailer on the farm for him and his young girlfriend to live in. However our son joined the Army and the girl was promiscious and having guys in and out continually. Our son came to the house in tears and said I just went in debt for my family and don;t have one. I drove him to get the bus when he left for the Army and the next day my husband moved in with her. I snuck back and forth and became a peeping Tom all the while begging him to move home. I saw through the Minnie Blinds him grabbing her by the butt. She bragged about her two Valentine meals. Number three. She had to eventually get the Police to help her move out. After all what young girl wants a over weight old man crawling all over her. So, He stayed in the Trailer and we started having Sex.However we got Divorced. He was surprised because I told him once the Divorce went through we was done. Two weeks after the Divorce he begged me to take him back. Suddenly he started hanging at the neighbors house every day and her husband was not at home. An older son said either her husband is dumb, can't get it up, or don't care. I decide to catch them and one day when he was there drove up to the house and did. That went on for maybe several years. The Neighbor and he husband got ill about the same time and she gave him the boot. I saw them driving down the road with her sitting in the Middle. So, time passed and we gravitated together as friends. This went on for about 10 years then suddenly we became involved again and Re Did our vows. I was hoping after he was alone for all those years he would have worked himself through this. We did not move together. I have my house and he got his Trailer. Then our son got married and he went after his wife. She came and told me he does not love you and only wants you for sex. She would tell me that over and over and I cried for a year. That went on for three years and she left our son. My Grand Daughter came to visit me about a year ago and said this, "Gram don't tell Pap I told you this." We was at the farm; Son, his wife, and Grand Daughter and Pap said," If blank knew how big his blank was she would leave our son in a minute for him." He did not add me to his Face Book account and last September my son whom I am on his account had posted a picture of family together and I went there to see it and discovered he was involved with an old girlfriend from school. It had gone on for over a year. He tried to deny it and said he did not see it but I did. He refused to do anything about it so we had a fight over it and did not speak for two months. Guess what he did? He went back out to the neighbors wife. He told me her husband is dying and they are loaded with money and got the biggest smile in his face I ever saw. Then he started to compare me to her. He said you remind me of her. I dropped my head. He said whats wrong your not talking? Must be something wrong. I left. However I had never confronted him about the affair with her. I saw her husband local and dropped hints. He said she needs company too. I did however after that left him a message on his phone and let him know I knew. He made a joke about it. I went to get my car inspected February 20, 2025 and my husbands name came up and the Mechanic affirmed everyone knew about the affair with the neighbors wife. and he said, "I guarantee you her husband knew about it." He would not tell me who told him. I am going to take you a little back up to add another part which is where we are now. We Re did our vows be five years ago July 9th 2025. He was pouring it on ( gaslighting ) me continually. I discovered he was hanging out at the local gas station for several years several days a week. Supposedly drinking coffee which he never drinks a home. So, I decided to check it out. and yes, that is his new stalking ground and yes, he is chasing there again. I decided to go there when he was there. He was sitting there by the coolers where women go to get items. I said to him "What did you want last night when you called?" He screamed at me,"I din't call you." See at home I was there to rub his back, give him sex, take him meals, out to eat, shopping together but he did not want anyone to know. He definitely is after his next victim the one cashier whom she and her husband are having marriage problems. He is having and affair. She was dating someone and back and forth. He is waiting like he always does for the right minute or maybe it has already happened. He talked about her with me and seems to know an awful lot about her. We are not talking now. Before about two months ago he said to me. "I know the woman I want and that is the one I fel in love with years ago and that is you." Another point. I talked with the neighbor lady on the phone several months ago. Sorta on a fishing trip.. I said to her," Did I tell you we Re Did our vows four years ago?" She went silent and could not speak. I had to call her name continually. Seemed as if she felt he had betrayed her and what she thought was not true. I figure he and he are waiting for her husband to die and get together but she realized he was not waiting on her as he promised. This when I decided to get help. At night when I lie down to sleep it all runs through my mine. I bounced him about the first one the young girl before I quit talking to him. He said,"why did you bring that up that happened a long time ago?" However what he does not realize to me this is all happening to me now. I can see the first girls face in front of me and all the rest now. I try to rebuke it at night when I lay down to sleep but it is still there.
Janice, I am so sorry you've
In reply to Infidelity Trauma by Janice K B
Janice, I am so sorry you've had to experience so much pain. My heart truly aches for you. I understand what it's like to lay awake at night while intrusive thoughts flood your mind, robbing you of much needed rest. I understand the hyper-vigilance, always looking over your shoulder for the next threat. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably with us. I know it's not easy. When my husband's sex addiction began to take hold, I started journaling as a way for me to work through my many thoughts and feelings. It was very helpful. Sometimes, just getting it all out offers relief. A little over six years ago, I took the Harboring Hope course here at Affair Recovery and it really changed my life. It offered me insight into my situation, practical steps to help me heal, and most importantly, hope that I could have a brighter future, regardless of what my spouse did or didn't do. I would encourage you to look into it. You're not responsible for the devastating choices your husband has made, and you don't have to be defined by them either.
Type of affair
My husband had an affair in back end of covid 2020 12 months after celebrating our silver wedding gazing into each other's eyes all night. Through covid we was really happy, he went back to work had to work away 14 days then home for 3 nights then away again. Loving husband brilliant dad and grandad real family man. The job finished he worked local home every night then 4 days before our 26th anniversary I found out he had been having an affair not for long only about 6 to 8 weeks, his excuse was he felt we was in a rut! The whole world was in a rut we couldn't go anywhere, then he said he loved me but wasn't inlove with me! Typical excuse, then he loves me but not like he used to love me another excuse. Long story short is it love, lust or limerence? She's only a few years younger than him about 60 now 4 years on he's still with her but it's her house not his, he lost his daughter and grandson's over it for a few year's thankfully he is back in their lives and comes over for weekends on his own. I still love him with all my heart and I know he still loves me we are now divorced but for the past 18 months we have been seeing each other if he was truly happy with her he wouldn't even come and be with me. It's also true that he has definitely down graded, what goes around comes around. I still can't give up on him and even though we are now divorced I just want him to come back home.
Gail, thank you for being so
In reply to Type of affair by Gail
Gail, thank you for being so vulnerable with us. I'm so sorry for the pain you've endured. Having been betrayed myself, I understand what that feels like. Take care of your heart. We're so glad you're here.
80/20
Just had a conversation with my WW about the 80/20 theory. I explained it as I understood it, and she didn't offer any objection. I then told her I feel that now we only have 20-30 percent. Meaning we have a 20 + year history and 2 teenage kids. But no longer have affection, desire, love, respect, trust with each other (some more on my side than hers). She gave up so much for that 20%, and it ripped so much from me. The "who" was covered in this article, serial cheater who knew everything my wife needed to hear. No enlightenment there but keep up the good work. All though we are headed towards divorce, your site and articles that are emailed have always given some value.
Affair baby
My wife had affair over 30 years ago and I could never understand . He was the total opposite to me as in never worked was into gangster life of prisons and drugs he was ugly and rude and turned out abusive and violent towards her yet she left me for that I could never understand
Anwer might be found in this book
In reply to Affair baby by Bernard b
The book "Body keeps the score" do mention as to why this sometimes happens. Often childhood trauma makes familiarity a inherited behavior as the brain is not functioning as intended. Would highly recommend this book, as it do explain this in a much deeper way then what i could ever attempt to justify quoting. I myself have read most of this book to unravel as to why my ex wife was a massive serial cheater.
I'm so sorry you had to
In reply to Affair baby by Bernard b
I'm so sorry you had to endure that. The book mentioned above is a great resource. I hope Wayne's video helped you find some clarity. We appreciate you being here!
Ap
In reply to Affair baby by Bernard b
well
Listen to this
I realised my wifey was in cahoots with the AP / b in law,
After both on several occasions during family get togethers , were deliberately telling me hints in round about comments that there’s something going on
At first I was so stupid and naive I didnt even realise what the were saying, but all started to make sense when I saw the mirroring body language and constant hovering around one another ,
Then getting hit with comments like,’ oh leave her to me ‘
Silly remarks like taking about sex encounters of the past on the dinner table right at my face,
Which I felt was inappropriate, but was brushed of by calling it banter,
What really made me realise was the way my wifey saw me as non existent like I was not even in the room,
Or we weren’t even aquatinted, I mean been married for nearly 18?years, all the while I’m feeling bemused to why she didn’t shut down his attention, like she was blind and deaf to his rubbing in my face hints, lead me to realise it was her intention or had planned these types of gaslighting/baiting me to realise what was going on ,
I mean just say it straight out, if they had the guts,
But they couldn’t because it was in the family, a sis in law with a bro law, talk about keeping in the family, oh forgot to mention as the Ap says while playing a board game with my wifey, the answer for one of the questions is Ben Dover, again directly looking at wifey then to take the p, repeats it to me.
After this expose I call her out , low on behold I’m the one with a digisting mind and shoulder rethink what I’m accusing, it was as plain as the sky on a bright cloudless sunny day. Then starts all the underhand signs in our daily living, she changed totally to what I think she was with the Ap, everything was different her personality, her dress, her attitude, started showing and telling me what she has done and likes now by gaslighting and leaving me hints around the house, telling me about new plans that were not even on the radar before the expose,
I found that this person wasn’t my soulmate, it was a completely different person.
But all the while still denying it on surface level,
Looking back at all the times that were bumps in our relationship, it was her slowly destroying what we had built, even now still denies everything but the next minute leaves me hints like writing initials of her n Ap with ornaments around the house, looking back she took me to places where she had been before with friends, but clearly it was with Ap,
I feel like I’ve been ghosted for the last 10 years as he has been in our family circle since,
I was so stupid and naive not to clock or call out earlier,
Subconsciously I new something was of but never in a trillion year thought my wifey was like this,
It was like they were together as a team but indirectly backing each other up in front of me, they’ve hid it so well that on one in the family has a clue,
All the while they’ve been together,
Now i look at all the photos and events over the past 10 years and it all makes disgusting sense, it’s all done with secret hand signs, and words that they know what they mean,
After heartbreakingly going over the past, every pic, every bday, every time she was out , all the fights for no reason, constant push to make me look like a failure in my own eyes, in my families eyes, they are experts in living a double life , even if I tried it be so inept to lead a double life,
Now we’re at breaking point , where our family has been affected, but still I get the same narrative “ what has the Ap done, ur delusional,
I wish they had the balls to admit it, which they will never coz both my wifey n his are sisters,
what a life
Any advice
It was genuinely difficult to
In reply to Ap by Anonnon
It was genuinely difficult to read the pain and dismissal you are feeling, and if I understnad you correctly, no one is admitting to this. When that is the case, perhaps your decisions become more about the life you want and the boundaries and respectful interactions you want in your marriage, rather than proof of infidelity. Someone is dismissing your reality, but that doesn't mean you have to agree or let go of your values in the relationship.
Interestingly, I just read this in another comment, and they said what I was thinking. A betrayed male expressed, " I reached a point where I had to stand up for myself and distance my self from her damaging behavior , that effects the kids, me and our marriage. I will never claim that the marriage was perfect, or I didn't make many mistakes along the way, we all do. But willful deception is extremely different, unloving act."
For me, I find a trusted person or therapist to help me sort out how I feel and get clear on what I need. The hard work is done before a conversation. The following article might help you go from there: https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/proper-use-of-boundar…
I am sorry for your sadness, frustration, and that feeling that what you say holds no weight. You are deserving of dignity, respect, and of being heard. With or without proof, you get to decide what is and is not ok with you. You have our prayers and support.
Still Struggling..
Give me one good reason to CHOOSE to forgive a spouse who repeatedly didn’t CHOOSE me!
I have read every article sent to me by this organization. Grasping at anything to try and understand just a sliver of why he did what he did. With understanding comes empathy.
I have come to the conclusion that if you want to forgive your spouse, this site offers you plenty of excuses to do so. But, if your like me, then no excuse is enough to justify my decision to choose them when they repeatedly forgot about me…
Still struggling
In reply to Still Struggling.. by Traci Merritt
I feel your anger and pain. There is no justifiable excuse or reason fir a spouses affair. I am 2 years out from discovery and the pain is relentless. I am working hard to move pass victim status. My husband fell into the trap of entitlement thinking, feeling old, and that life was on the down swing. In walks a 32 years younger, co-worker who idolized him, stroked his ego, started an affair after being married for 2 months because my husband promised her my wonderful life, only she wouldn't have to wait nor work for it. It was a perfect storm. He was having a mid-life crisis, lost his mind, and was addicted to the high created by the forbidden. Why? Because she was a willing participant in the game, something entertaining during covid. She made him feel young and he promised to place her on a throne. Nothing in their affair was based in reality. When the affair was discovered, he hit rock bottom and has ben working hard to fix himself and us. I didnt have this realization until reading these comments. Please do not allow yourself to be bitter. If bitter is where you choose to remain, then move on. It sucks and no one deserves this pain nor the body blow we were given. But how we heal and how we move forward s our choice. I am choosing to find empathy with the changes my husband is making. Most days it seems impossible but there is hope for all of us. (BTW-I work for the same company and the affair became public). We can survive this hell.
She wanted to replace me
When I found out my H of 26y had an affair with a girl the same age as our son, very overweight and not attractive in the slightest, I couldn't understand how he could throw away his entire life for her. He knew her for 2 weeks when he left me and moved in with her. He told her he loved her after 3 days! This girl was 29. He was 50. Thank God he came home after 3 weeks (no STD's or pregnancies).
After finally getting all the details, I know why he had an affair with her:
1. She knew he was married but pretended to believe his lies about being separated. She knew exactly what to say.
2. She was playing the victim and my husband played the hero. She boosted his ego.
3. She wanted to be the girlfriend of a popular biker. She had a goal.
4. He told her no one could know about her, and she was fine with that. She had no respect for herself.
5. She had no kids or responsibilities so she could drink and party every night. She was nothing but fun.
6. She offered to let him move into her home. She handed him the "solution" to his bad marriage.
My husband was going through a mid-life crisis after his parents passed and he lost his job. He did something that he would have never done in a million years because he was both sick and naive. This person was a friend of our daughter and knew he was married. When she caught his attention and saw that he was eating it up, she knew this guy would fall for her helpless victim act and she could steal him from me. And, she was right...it worked. But they both couldn't keep their lies going for long because he realized he was being played and came home.
I've finally been able to open my husband's eyes to the reality of the entire affair. He now sees what everyone else sees in her and is so embarrassed. He can't believe he thought he loved her and feels so stupid (it was limerence and that was real...but never love). He now sees how she manipulated him to get what she wanted (Stache's Girlfriend) and how he fell for it. He believed he was the one in control the whole time and looking back, he sees that she used her "victim act" to get him to do anything she wanted. He feels so foolish (kind of how they made me feel...sorry, not sorry).
So, my husband and I are finally at a good place after 2 years since D-day and 4 years since his affair. He finally decided to try the "You have to hurt her to help her heal" conversation that needs to happen before we could ever get past this. He told me everything I wanted to know, even though the truth hurt. Now, there is nothing to hide and we have the most honest and productive conversations that I've been waiting for for years.
Good luck all and God Bless
Thank you Wayne.
Thank you Wayne.
This helped to clarify my thinking of the last 2.5 years since disclosure.
My husband was seeking sexual gratification as a way to feel affirmed and desired. Our sex life was in the tank after 20+ years of marriage and those holes and wounds from his childhood reared up to tell him that he was not loved or valued.
He chose his affair partners based on anonymity, perceived safety, and with anyone who was willing and halfway desirable. He didn’t even see them or know them when he would start up online conversations and flirting. This went on for about 4-5 years with 5 women. Only one of these became a physical affair, but even that was very low commitment. He never contemplated leaving the marriage.
I’m thankful to say that through our work with our counselor, EMSO, Married for Life, H4H and HH, plus countless books and podcasts, we are in the best marriage of our entire 28 years as husband and wife.
Thank you again to all of you at AR.
Betraying Husband has most of these
My Betraying Husband (soon to be ex at his request) has been with a handful of strange sexual partners including paid. The latest is 14 years younger, thoroughly covered in tattoos (he was always openly against tattoos) and piercings and labels herself as pansexual and pagan publicly on social media (and she currently is dating a woman while living with him). I know I shouldn't judge her appearance (it's just so out of character for him and I know many wonderful people are pierced and tattooed, but I should judge her self-claimed labels. He is a former church member and worship team leader. He pays her bills (I think she has a track record of getting older dudes to support her). He is in his early 60s. I think most of the categories of "why" in this article fit him. They have an abusive physical relationship (fighting), something he and I never had.
He sold out his family and friends who he is estranged from most of us now, for this kind of behavior/addictions (including drugs/alcohol). None of it makes any sense and his pleasure and excitement and selfishness took priority over the wake of devastation that he left behind of children, grandchildren, and a nearly 4 decades long marriage. Thanks for helping us to relate to others and make some small amount of sense of things. I owe everything to my Lord Jesus Christ for standing firm in love with me through it all. Without Him I would have never made it through.
Why did they choose the affair partner
My husband had a n emotional affair with a woman 10 years younger and they shared bike riding. My husband always said we would retire and ride bikes together, he continued to push more than I could do, I was injured and could not ride anymore. He joined bike clubs and rode almost everyday. I always thought that he was in a group, but I learned this summer that at least 4 days a week he was riding alone with this woman. I found out this had been going on for about 2 years. They were texting all the time, and also communicating on an app called Strava. He had started going to her home, buying her bike parts and fixing her bike if she needed it. He kept all this a secret from me. When I discovered this I was heart broken, my world was rocked and I am in so much pain. He claimed they were only friends and she was the only one of any group that could ride as fast as he could and he needed that to keep in shape. He forgot our 47th wedding anniversary, but spent part of that day looking up info for her new bike and they sent about 12 texts back and forth.
We are now about 6 months from D day and I am still spinning and hurting, we want to stay together but he has made it all my decision. I found a counselor and we have worked a book, but he has not initiated anything it is always I will do anything you say. I want to scream I want you to pick me, I want you to want to be with me. I want you to help me heal.
Thank you for you work, this article helped me.
Misery Loves Company
The misery loves company reason sounds like the basis of my husband's affair. Do any of the different reasons predict the outcome of the affair relationship? In this case if trying to have a long term relationship the foundation built upon by commiserating in the beginning later becomes uncomfortable to keep the bond. It worked in the beginning, but will it be a sabotage for long lasting relationship?
why's?
there really is and shouldn't be focus on "the why's" but.. i get ppl looking for a simple answer to try to put the sad reality of affairs into a formula. I appreciate the list of reasons or excuses, depending on perspective, but it is missing a big one.. on purpose? SEX. sometimes it is missing from the marriage and sought out. i'm not talking about addiction or other behavioral issues. i believe sex, for some ppl irregardless of gender, is just more necessary than it is for others. this is especially problematic when libido variations are significant btn spouses. whether its testosterone or estrogen, sometimes sex drive and hormones are just more significant to some. i believe its just a difference in a physical trait like height, athleticism or baldness. some ppl just need it more than others. not identifying this fact or limiting what is natural, or a hormonal predisposition, only leads to problematic behaviors. take for example the problem the church has with pedophile priests. putting restraints on individuals, priests in this case, with abstinence is a mistake. hormones have no religious perspective. no one can or should limit nature. some ppl have strong libidos and others could care less. the care less ones should be the ones that choose abstinence and become priests. this would keep our kids safer. anyway i'm getting off the subject. i'm not making up excuses for affairs but.. seems like SEX is the elephant in the room missing from your list.
I chuckled to myself as I
In reply to I have a much higher libido by Perky
I chuckled to myself as I read Perkys remarks. Infuriatingly dehumanized as I felt, when I too heard those words from my spouse as one of his various reasons (excuses) for his most recent affair. I just can't fathom another human being as able to place an insignificant perception to an accountable action, knowingly to be with sinister outcomes. Can there really be anymore out there?
Why’s
In reply to why's? by punisher
So if there is such a mismatch of sexual needs, and that is what you want to base your whole relationship on, then maybe the answer is not an affair but a divorce and the freedom to seek what you so desperately need. To cause such unbelievable hurt and disrespect for your spouse because of your own desires is so incredibly selfish and self serving. Why not be honest with your spouse/partner and give each other the opportunity to make decisions that benefit you both? Why drag them through hell just to get your own moment of pleasure with someone you deem more of whatever you can rationalize to have your deceitful sex with? Maybe you should ask yourself why your partner isn’t as interested in sex with you anymore? Ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, the problem IS YOU!
Sex affair
In reply to why's? by punisher
I agree sex is a big part of the affair.. My WS was a terrible lover very selfish only thought about himself and getting off. He watched so much porn that I believe he thought that was how it was in real world. I was treated like a porn star. He would come to bed all excited by those women and f** me There was no intimacy no kissing, no connection no fun there for me. Just self recrimination for just going limp and taking mind elsewhere and letting him have his way. So that is his excuse of why he had affair was because he couldn't please me in bed. And that it was all my fault because he was doing his best and I just didnt like it.
I guess I’m a little
I guess I’m a little surprised at this article. I understand a lot of your points, but I can’t help but be frustrated by your main point of the unfaithful spouse looking for the 20% they aren’t getting from their spouse. I’m tired of the message to the betrayed of “they were looking for something you weren’t giving them”. While sometimes that might be true, sometimes the betrayed is showing up, doing their best, and giving their all to the marriage and the unfaithful is just too emotionally unhealthy to do the same. They can be looking for the missing in themselves and not their partner. I’ve learned his choices in the affair and in his affair partner were not about me at all.
20%
In reply to I guess I’m a little by KSAmy
It's important to emphasize that the 20% is what's missing from the marriage, NOT from the faithful spouse alone. That missing 20% is a shared responsibility. Sometimes no matter how much is given, it's not enough, and the wayward spouse may be more than happy to shift all the blame onto the faithful one. I understand your position because I have held exactly the same feelings that you are expressing. Thanks for making this clarification for those of us who are struggling through these issues and running into this "blame the faithful one" game. Glad you are not beating yourself up. I have stopped too but it took a while.
yep
In reply to That 20 % is whats missing by Jitsulady2
its the cheater that has the issues ! not the faithfull spouse!
Another reason
My experience.
Society gives the message that men are in charge, women are to respond by being submissive, accepting and loyal to our men. ”Boys will be boys” with only a hand slap for wandering outside the marriage. Women, on the other hand, are judged more severely by society for similar behavior. Isn't this societal attitude of women as second class citizens another reason? Yes women have affairs too, but not at the rate that men do. Are their any faithful men out there?
Signed, 'Feeling Hopeless'
well that isnt an accurate statement
In reply to Another reason by kathe
actually recent studies have shown that women actually cheat more then men do, im a betrayed spouse, three marriages down the tubes because all three times the woman i was married to in each had cheated on me, and with several different partners, while i on the other hand have never cheated on a woman in my life, not in marriage, nor in a pre marriage stage relationship. i could never do that to someone i love. the thought of even causing half the anguish that that type of betrayle causes to the one being betrayed spouse 2ould break my own heart, are there still dome of us faithful men out there, yes indeed, your reading the response of one at this very moment, and as you have that thought run through your mind, us faithful men often finding ourselfs asking the same about women, and we too share your feeling of hoplessness in the matter.
Another Man's Wife
My husband and the other woman reconnected on a school facebook page. He was her teacher, and I later realized, she had a teacher crush and he thought she was cute. He taught fresh out of college so he was only 6 years older than her. She was married, so he needed to hire her to be able to lure her into an affair. Her poor husband thought she got a job and she was traveling all over with "her boss". I've worked through everything as to why they connected and how they stayed connected. My husband relied on his justifications stemming from my trauma, which was from his ongoing pornography, deceit, indifference, unwillingness, etc... The minute he connected with her, I felt it in my soul. I began experiencing the escalating trauma even before the truth surfaced. I cycled in and out of depression which then led me to getting help. Now I see how unhealthy they both were and are, emotionally and spiritually, and why they stayed connected through divorce unto remarriage. Some people don't ever want to change, they just want a change.
My husband confessed five
My husband confessed five months ago that he had been unfaithful for the past 6 yrs and had been seeing a woman for 2 yrs out of the 6. Of course I wanted to know why especially when I saw three of their pictures in his phone talk about down grading. My husband told me he wasn't attracted to me, he wasn't happy and he thought we were eventually going to get a divorce. Which I thought was a bunch of malarkey because he always seemed happy never left any clues and when did have explosive arguments where I wanted out he would always convince me to stay. The one thing I'm having trouble with is now he's always over the top happy calling me through out the entire day face timing for 2 hours at times. My husband says that I have changed for the better I am 42 yrs old I seriously doubt that I changed, I tell him maybe because he doesn't have a distraction and is able to focus on me only. This is definitely hard and taking one day at a time.
Never the same...
My spouse was almost bi-polar in his behaviour toward me. Swinging from "your the most beautiful thing I wake up to every morning" to nasty "you don't know anything" and abusive. I was everything and nothing all at once. Now nearly 3 years out and I don't know if I'LOL ever believe anything that's comes out of his mouth. Finally he has started individual and couples counselling. It was that or I was done. No gratitude and no empathy. The couples counsellor asked in a safe way if he thought he was psychopathic. Apparently he can feel empathy for everyone else except me and sometimes our children. I think a lot is part of his personality disorder. Yet to discover what that is. But I am tired no exhausted I mean really at 47 you should have some of your H ni together. I just want him to adult and stop blaming everyone and everything else for his issues. Things will never be the same and I won't ever trust him again. Sad but true. Life goes on. And as for the 80%, gee I wasn't even getting that for the last 25 years. I learnt pretty early on he was less then what he presented but I just loved him anyways. Very little in return there I've now found out. My compassion and unconditional love was rewarded with a fraud. A well hidden counterfeit. Not sure why he wants to stay but he does. You talk about new beginnings but very few people can make something out of so much destruction and trauma. It's like my son who broke his neck at 19yrs old and is a C4 quadriplegic. He's still my son but physically broken and has had to learn new ways to live. May the Lord bless us to get through these terrible experiences.
Why he chose her, why he risks it all?
My husband was a heart patient on a pacer, and yet he drank, socialise in the clubs and pubs and met her, who showered so much attention to him. He was successful in business so perhaps he felt entitled to have a fun on the sideline and LIVE. She was 30 years junior to him, only 5 years older than our first born. She was born in the year we got married. So can you imagine the pain as we celebrate our wedding anniversary. It happened 6 years ago, discovery 4 yrs ago, and I still not healed. Everyday I am reminded how they spent their rendezvous for 2 years until she tells on him. He did not come forward so I presume he was sorry it ended. I am existing going through each day, on my own.
Great Article
He told me he thought I didn't love him anymore. We had drifted and he was horrible towards me. It got to the stage where we were just living in the same house but not together emotionally. I can understand why it happened but I don't understand how he could do it to me without giving my feelings a second thought. The AP is married too. She finished the affair before I "accidentally" found out. What I also find hard to comprehend is how they could still work together knowing all the hurt they've caused but I guess it's easy for her as her husband still does not know what she did. Coping is getting easier but will never be 100% 'cos she's still part of his work life. What's the chance of it happening again?
Well said
Many of these reasons are things my husband has shared. I already understand why (though I'll never agree it was right) but what I struggle with and I hope an article is written about this one day is how does the betrayed spouse get over the pain. I have no anger anymore, no resentment, no bitterness. That's all gone, I have forgiven it's been five years since my husband gave me the I love you but I'm not in love with you talk and refused to work on the marriage and left continuing his affair after moving out and into his own apartment. I still have moments of extreme sadness and sometimes I think about my brokenness and I wonder if I ever will REALLY get over it all.
I'm also very disappointed about how little my husband works on the marriage. Everything we have grown past and done to mend things is because I initiated it or I read it, or I looked it up. He's willing to go along with whatever I propose but drops off from continuing it soon after the initial talk or event. I still to this day have never felt he tried to "win me back" and it hurts.
I never used to look at my husband through flawed eyes but I do now almost every day. I sometimes think I would have been better off moving on from where things were.
choosing
They both chose each other. This is the second time around my husband had an emotional affair with her. First time =maybe a mistake. Second time = a conscious choice. He knew what he was doing and so did she. Apparently the first attachment was never severed and it made it easy to re-attach to each other when he moved into her building at work. What's to keep it from being a third time? Nothing. If they want to do it, they will and there is nothing I can do about it. Except leave and divorce. If I stay with him, I will always - until my dying day -be hypervigilant and suspicious and untrusting. I am no longer the same person I was.
That missing 20%
I think the missing 20% is more about the percentage missing inside yourself (appreciation, humility, self esteem), rather than anything really missing from the marriage.
Missing 20%
In reply to That missing 20% by anon
The 20% line has always not felt right to me. What you said does. It is true that I am not perfect, I know that and I never expected my husband to be perfect. In fact, I saw his flaws and accepted them. I apologized when I saw my fault and advocated for date night, counseling, vacations together; he criticized me, refused all of the above and had secret sex with other women for 33 years before I found out. I was willing to work on my 20 %, he denied he had any faults. I think the 20% just indicates we are human and always need to work on ourselves and being more Christlike.
Adultery partner choices & anger about adultery to begin with
Amazingly well put! Other than the particulars to fill out the edges of each "case", I think you have hit the nail on the head, Rick.
I think what is so difficult for us "betrayed spouses" to get is that the "reasons" our unfaithful spouses give for choosing that other person are really sometimes just their excuses, and justifications, in the form of criticisms of their spouse that they had to capitalize on in order to justify this act to themselves; while the "real" reasons are oftentimes a LOT more along the lines of what you have stated here.
Anyway, hurting people, I pray you don't beat yourselves up by believing the "lies" involved in adultery. Those lies are lies that your spouse has told himself/herself in order to justify adultery. If you are married, then adultery is sin, pure and simple. Don't blame yourself. Help your spouse blame himself for his/her choices. Go way into being angry about it, and venting your feelings -- and get it out of your system, before you EVER even agree to discuss any kind of "mutual blame" for the breakdown of the marriage. You want to see that person take responsibility and work hard to win YOU back, and see them repent toward God. Wait for that. If they don't know Him, they need to, and if you both don't -- read the gospels in the KJV, and see for yourself what adultery is.
Anyone with a conscience, HAS to have had come up with "something" to use as an excuse. They peddle the lie to themselves, first; to their affair partner next; and finally to you -- when it comes out. Sometimes they peddle it to friends and colleagues and family members as well, but it is always "peddling", and it is always a "lie". The real reason they did this was because they wanted to. They were drawn aside by their own lust (even of their own mind, having little to do with sex appeal of affair partner etc.), and enticed, and sinned. You did not MAKE them do anything! Any honest person on the adulterous/adulteress side of this will admit they have come up with a justification, that involves blame, or excuses, and has nothing to do with the responsibility of this act being someone else's.
I have the unique perspective of having been on both sides of this, more than once. I know that if "I" had been allowed to vent and process the first time this happened to me as a "victim", I would not have later been able to come up with "he did it to me" as an excuse for my own affairs. If I had had my spouse (at the time) vent and process with me (after I did commit adultery), I would have dealt with "all of it", and it would have changed my thinking in my next relationship.
I believe I would have seen my own emotional affairs sneaking up on me, and prevented them -- seen them for what they were (sin) and been truly sorry to my spouse; and I might have actually seen the danger coming with my second spouse, before he cheated.
Live and learn! It's best to learn from someone else's mistakes if you can, before you have to learn the hard way.
Yes, I am a flawed person, and I did contribute to the breakdown of my marriages, through lack of communication --- but not because I did (or didn't do) x, y, and z --- excuses used by my mate(s) to commit adultery. The flaws of the injured spouse should NEVER be addressed anywhere close to the time of disclosure of an adulterous affair though.
This is a mistake I made over the past year and a half after the disclosure of my husband's adultery. My husband is still involved in his second emotional affair (long-term fantasy) and has left me, believing his problem is that I am flawed, and refusing to examine himself.
I have truly learned the hard way! And now, thanks to information, such as this article, I can begin the arduous task of healing alone, and planning not to make any of these mistakes again. I am really thankful for this article, Rick. Bless you for being on target with it! And bless those of you who are going through this. Try hard to be straight with one another. It IS sin, and it does bring forth death. Don't try to sidestep the issue and miss real repentance, healing, and reconciliation. You need to get clear of the real flaws inside the perpetrator (first that they can and will make excuses, and second that they probably don't communicate their own emotions very well, and third that they may have past baggage that has not yet, but needs to be dealt with so they can really relate to another person lovingly).
David Clarke in his book: What to do when your spouse says, "I Don't Love You, Anymore." says that you need to get out of the shock & denial -- and bring on the buried anger as quickly as possible. This would have been good for me to hear up front.
I stayed in shock and denial a LONG time in my second marriage after "discovering" my "loving" husband's long term entangled (sexual & emotional) affair (lasting 5 years total).
If I had been truly angry, perhaps he wouldn't have been able to "hide" his second (becoming long term) "emotional" affair, from me for six whole months after initial revelation, or to take six months to completely tell me about the first affair. Anger has a purpose, and it shouldn't just be a day or two or on occasion that you let it out. You need to let it out until it is gone! Don't hide your feelings and chase your adulterous spouse, like I did. Learn from my mistake. Oh sure, he knew I was mad, and in pain, but he also thought I was a nice door mat -- to take his affair with such "grace". He decided he still needed the one he "hid" from me. These really ARE "his" problems, they are sins, and they affect me. Adultery is Never "fair"; it is "cheating"... Let the anger that this causes out. There is a good chance your adultery spouse will be shocked at your righteous indignation. There is a 100% chance they need to know it exists. If you don't get good and angry, and get it out of your system, there is a chance you will not be able to fully forgive when the time comes! Don't lie to yourself or your mate and forgive early. Be real. God does understand.
Hear this article, and don't blame yourself or your marriage for "making" your spouse cheat on you. Realize they have real issues communicating, and with morality. Address this by communicating your anger (so they know it exists) and asking hard-hitting questions. Get a good counselor early on, one that doesn't have you "just hug" and make up, or be a better wife/husband.
Get a counselor that sees this as a sin problem and doesn't let up on the cheater until they break.
"I" would have appreciated it, as a cheater. It would have given me a chance to "clean my own clock" with God and get straightened out in my conscience and thinking (to really decide what I wanted to do, not just pretend everything was OK, and pretend I loved my spouse) and have prevented subsequent "sins" of adultery on my part.
And yes, emotional affairs are adultery, too. I've had both, and my current spouse has had both. I recall thinking, "If only this had 'only' been 'emotional' and not sexual, then maybe I could get over it easier." They really lie to themselves (and everyone else) if it is "only emotional", and it is actually harder for them to see it as "sin". It is. Remember what Jesus said. If your spouse is "in love" with someone else, I guarantee the lip-service they give you about loving you -- is just that, "lip service". Don't believe the lies, and get and stay angry -- until you see real changes! It's never too late to "feel" your feelings. Forgive, but not until it is "real". Give your unforgiveness to God, and tell Him what you are doing. I guarantee, if you are being encouraged to look at your "fault" in your spouse's adultery, you are setting yourself up for a prolonged amount of pain. Clean the temple of your marriage!
God bless you with healed marriage, or the dignity to walk away "well"!
Mixed feelings
In reply to Adultery partner choices & anger about adultery to begin with by wistful
Boy.. wistful, you really went into great detail with your answer! I agree with you on all of it and I have had almost 4 years now to accept my husbands (35 years) of betrayals... I am still here but honestly I don’t know why? I can’t seem to respect him or show love anymore.
In these 4 years, he can’t call me up with any reasons for what and how and why he ever did these things.. Only thing he says is he’s so sorry and he’ll never do it again! (He wasn’t suppose to in the 1st place).. Then he makes it all about him and get whiny just so I can’t ask him anything else.. He has not done anything to really better himself, so how can I believe that nonsense...
I can’t trust him and lately I am realizing just how much I want and deserve better than -him! I hope you find someone you can be happy with and enjoy each other enough to stay “all in” soon.. You sound like a very intelligent person!
and then what
Ok, so it is all about the 20% and the affair is exposed and the two affair partners hate each other (or so it seems), each of their spouses know and there is all kinds of trouble. My husband now thinks I am great, wants to save our marriage; will do whatever.
What about that 20% and the magical thinking? What about seeing themselves through someone elses adoring and appreciative eyes?
During my husbands eleven month affair, he was mean, removed and uniterested in anything and now the opposite. He acted like he was King Kong and I was a villain; now the opposite.
It's like, why would you want the marriage now--it's broken, it's work, it has hurt in it. Is it because the Affair Partner is unavailable?
and then what.......
In reply to and then what by Butterflies
Hi Butterflies....
I feel the same.....I was stupid, I didn’t do anything right. Complaints and unhappiness was all he could say to me.
I wasn’t good enough for a 2nd chance not even for our kids.
then the affair partners husband found out and called me and she dumped my husband.
Then he comes home and for months he idealizes her and acts like a moron.
NOW, it’s been almost 2 years, and HE is happy. I am the best.
I still ask WHY am I perfect NOW...Is it because he can’t have her, so he is settling for HIS WIFE.
By his selfishness, he in turn killed me. I’m not sure how I feel anymore.
Did you get any other responses, because this is a question I would like to know the answer to myself.
And then what...
In reply to and then what....... by Carey
My story is also the same. My husband was distant, grumpy, argumentative and critical. Nothing I wore looked appealing, rarely did he support an opinion, never did he ever reach out to touch me during the day (walk with his hand on my back, take my hand, touch a shoulder or arm). This treatment lasted for years and my husband's affair was on and off for 6 years with a woman 19 years younger. Now, I am his everything. He listens intently to all I have to say, touches me constantly, makes me coffee each morning, never let's me carry a bag, every day tells me I am beautiful and he was a fool. What is the pattern here? The Unfaithful Spouse finally awoke to appreciate the 80%. He finally realizes how much he risked losing to gain that little bit of comfort the missing 20% provided and he is scared straight. He is deeply grateful for this second chance. The Fog has lifted and the man I married (a slightly improved version if I am being honest) is back. Why do we the Betrayed Spouse have such trouble accepting this? I think we need to go through the stages of grieving for our old, dead marriages before we can more forward and embrace our new marriages. This takes time but I am still in this fight 18 months after Discovery hoping one day I can accept my new and improved husband and move on.
And then what
In reply to and then what....... by Carey
I also feel like my husbands AP broke up
With him so he “settled” for me, his wife. He was emotionally cruel to a point I had a break down. Now, he wants to go back to how it was even though “ how it was” was miserable according to him. Everything I ever did was wrong-nit picking me right down to the point of destroying who I was and now never will be again. Our marriage will NEVER be the same and neither will I.
It’s a daily struggle to regain some self worth, but I am working hard at taking of me and trying to put his affair behind me. Good luck to all of you!!!
and then what....
In reply to and then what....... by Carey
Hi Butterflies....
mine did the same to me. I couldn't do anything right according to him. I felt worthless. I actually suspected his affair during this time and would get up in the middle of the night and go through his car, pockets, phone, etc... I thought he didn't love me anymore and wondered what I was doing that was so wrong... But they HAVE to make you the villain during this time to make what they are doing okay in themselves; to internally rationalize it within themselves. If you were actually the good wife that you were, they couldn't tell the OW how great you were. Mine actually got in a fight with the OW at the end because she found a sweet text on his phone that I sent him and she called him out on it saying how he told her what a witch I was... That was the day I finally had PROOF of his affair because he came home noticeably agitated and forgot to delete their texts. She was just a constant ego stroke - a fantasy - that he didn't have to do anything real to sustain. I was real. Of course it happened again because he needs constant validation and I couldn't look at him with that love and admiration I'd once had anymore once I knew how weak he really was and he wasn't willing to see it was his own issue he needed to address. I worked on my own issue of why I was willing to stay with someone who was willing to treat me that way in the first place. Now I never will do that again.
I was an unfaithful wife. I
In reply to and then what by Butterflies
I was an unfaithful wife. I can only speak for myself and maybe it will help and not hurt. My AP was 18 years younger than me and it was even a shock he looked my way. He made me feel like I still had it. When we thought I may be pregnant he asked me to kill the baby and dumped me. My husband, on the other hand, wanted to forgive me and even said he'd raise another man's baby and we'd never tell anyone it wasn't his if I wanted. I am soooo sorry to say that when I acted out in my affair I lost all reasoning. Once it got to a certain point I wasn't at all acting according to my core values. I even said to my AP 'I wish you would have met me 10 years ago, I was a much better Christian then'. It's like a piece of me was sad to betray MYSELF. (Side note AP would have been 16 10 years ago and I'm thinking that would have been illegal. Eeesh!!!). Anyways I just wanted to say that I was pining for that young man who I gave my flesh to for mo this after he dumped me. But my husband's continued love won me over like Hosea in scripture. He was criticized and many said they never would have taken me back. But he stuck to his resolve and did the hard work of changing the things he needed to change- and he DID have areas needing help. We haven't arrived and yes I still miss that asshole AP but all these articles and Hope for Healing is helping me gain perspective. I'm going on 3 months since Ground Zero so I'm pretty pleased with our progress his far!!
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