Sarah's Story

"Do I even matter to him?" Sarah asked as she told me that she had allowed Chuck to move home last month even though he still seemed to be pining for his affair partner (AP). Like many, Sarah asked herself over and over again, Am I a fool for even trying to work on my marriage?

During a session together, she shared a portion of her heartbreaking story:
"Three days after discovering the physical part of the infidelity, we sat down and he told me everything, but he cried when talking about his AP. In the past month, he's taken steps to make things better, and he hasn't contacted his AP, but she has tried to contact him. He says he loves me and he wants to help me heal, but the only time he gets emotional is when he talks about HER. Can you imagine how hard it is for me to feel he is really remorseful? It's making me an emotional wreck. Is it possible that he's actually committed to me and our marriage? At times he seems so depressed and hopeless. Is he really choosing me?"

Detoxing

Hopelessness engulfs the depressed. Dreams that once lit paths toward an exciting future are extinguished and replaced by the nightmare of consequences from the infidelity.

I know it's gut-wrenching for betrayed partners to hear this, but in many cases, it's common that even after an affair ends, dreams of a life together with the affair partner often remain. These lingering fantasies create a significant barrier to the hurt spouse feeling chosen and the wayward spouse rekindle passion for the marriage. It would seem the only remorse, compassion, or life left in the wayward spouse is expressed when they share their feelings about what their affair has cost them, or even their AP, rather than their spouse. This is hurtful to say the least!

If the wayward spouse feels they've found their “new” soul mate, those dreams that were cast out to the future can be difficult to erase from memory. That’s because the dreams that once included their mate were replaced with those constructed in the fantasy world of the affair under the guise that they would bring greater happiness.

It's very common, although not guaranteed, that those involved in affairs come to their senses and begin trying to put their lives back together. While rationally, they understand the need to stay and work on the marriage, their feelings often lag behind. Rewriting their future again can be a more significant loss than the loss of their AP. They may finally be able to see the flaws in the other person, but the dreams of how their life would be still linger.

For instance, I know that when I wrong my wife, an apology from me will help mend the damage. Therefore, when I've neglected to consider her thoughts or feelings, I may choose to apologize. But just because I know this truth and choose to apologize does not change the fact that I will dread that humiliated feeling I get every time I speak such an apology. Pride drives that feeling, so I choose to act on truth instead.

Though a wayward spouse may know the right thing is to return home, end the charade, and work on the marriage, the thought of doing so may produce feelings of confusion, embarrassment, and rage. If the wayward spouse had erased their dreams of future happiness with their mate, they would feel more hopeless in the short run. This certainly doesn't mean they don't love their mate. Love is a choice; choosing love in the absence of feeling in no way diminishes the depth of love. It does, however, impact how that love might be perceived by the betrayed spouse.

Doing what you know to be right is difficult, especially if, due to a loss of vision, you can no longer trust your feelings. It's like flying an airplane in the dark. You know how the plane is flying by the instrument readings, but you also know that if you ignore the instruments and fly by what you feel to be right, you'll crash the plane.

All too often I see unfaithful spouses who have tried to "do the right thing" but they don't feel it is doing any good. They wear out, give up, and cave on the work of pursuing what is real and lasting.

Feelings are wavering and deceptive. There is far too much at stake to be guided by our feelings alone.

Grieving the Loss of the Affair Partner

After an affair, if the unfaithful spouse seems to be grieving the loss of their AP, the hurt spouse often feels they've made a colossal mistake. It's easy to assume the wayward spouse isn't committed, but that's not necessarily true. More often than not, the root problem isn't a lack of commitment to the marriage but a lack of shared vision.

Dreams of the future for the betrayed spouse aren't simply rewritten, they are shattered. The impact of the betrayal causes them to question their past, their judgement, their image of the person they married, their present, and their future. The devastation of infidelity isn't their only barrier; they've also lost their vision of how life was going to be. Hopelessness demoralizes both partners, leaving them grasping for shared dreams that could energize their life together.

This isn't to say that couples have to always feel passionate about their future together, but in the absence of passion, at the very least, they need to be committed to doing the next right thing. At the same time, they need to, once again, begin dreaming together and be willing to imagine a life together that both would enjoy. Recovery is hard, messy work!

Moving forward will involve recreating a future vision with your mate. It isn't just about grieving and forgiving; it’s about having the courage to once again dream with your mate about what you want, and together, creating a new shared vision.

There is one caveat here: The couple must address the initial trauma of the betrayal before they can begin healing the relationship itself. Nearly everyone needs to seek out qualified, expert help in order to talk rationally with one another about the damage and trauma that has occurred. The feeling of working toward a new vision, a new life, can be very powerful.

Finding New Momentum

To create a new vision for your future, you first have to discover your mate all over again. This is certainly not a definitive list of everything that can or should be discussed, but it's a great start. When you've finished, set aside more time to talk about your goals for your life.

This exercise is to be completed together. Schedule time to go through each question. I suggest finding a minimum of thirty minutes at a time. You could consider skipping your favorite television program to begin the process. You will not be able to complete this in a single sitting, and it might take weeks to complete, but the effort is worth it! Try to be as open and honest as possible.

Take turns going first in answering the questions and remember there are no right or wrong answers! This will help you to consider your future with one another. It's well worth the time.

1. These things have made me proud...
2. As a child I dreamed of...
3. I have yet to accomplish but hope to do...
4. I hope for __________ during my life.
5. I fear...
6. These things have caused me the most personal embarrassment or shame in life...
7. The people I admire... (and why)
8. In the past 24 hours, something I could have done better...
9. These things have challenged me... (name at least 3)
10. The beliefs that have guided me...
11. In my heart of hearts, the type of spouse I want to be is...
12. I still hope to experience in life...
13. Some unfulfilled dreams I have for you...
14. I've seen you suffer and endure...
15. I hope for you...
16. These things I admire the most about you...
17. I still hold these goals for you...
18. I see these strengths in you...
19. The hopes I have for you...
20. I see these wounds in you...
21. A few key events that have molded me...
22. I have healed from these wounds...
23. As I go forward in life, I would like to become more...
24. This is how I'd like to be remembered when I'm gone...
25. Growing up, these were my biggest hurts...
26. As a child, this is what I was most ashamed of...
27. In our marriage, these things have made me proud...

Creating new vision requires a desire to understand your mate rather than getting your mate to understand you. Take the time to dream about the life you'd both like to have. This will put you on the path towards a shared vision, but it will most likely require some outside help to truly heal.

New dreams and new vision require expert guides to wade through the enormous trauma and uncertainty that infidelity creates. Our EMS Online course is a safe place for spouses on both sides of infidelity to grieve and heal. This course will give both of you the opportunity to connect with other couples in the same situation and provide a path for growing together toward a new life of freedom and purpose.