This topic is spot on. I experienced these exact emotions two years ago and didn't understand why I felt horrible at being the "winner" while he pined over his affair loss. Every day I doubted the decision to reconcile .....thinking myself a fool to try again. I had no idea about the detox process. Boy is it ugly. It's a horrible time for the betrayed in a multitude of ways compounded by outside pressure of friends/family who want to add input to "recovery".

I'm going to read this a few more times to really let it sink in. Than you for sharing this gem.

This was a positively brilliant article. The script in our house would be reversed . After the affair was over, I spent months sobbing my heart out for my affair partner, in a wretched state of loathesome misery, all the while my poor husband watching me go through a period of seemingly endless depression. He often wondered WHY I seemed to have no remorse for him ( I didn't). It was an all consuming, completely self absorbed time of endless sorrow for me. Utterly unfair to my spouse. An outsider would wonder why on earth he stayed .

I stayed in this pattern for atleast 6 months and very slowly warmed up to him . We stayed together and worked on the marriage for the sake of the 3 children. The trauma of ending the affair was so all encompassing and overwhelming, that my husband and I sort of flopped back together at first like fish dancing in a frying pan . 18 months later, and healing has finally come into the house as we have worked out a new life and a new vision for ourselves .

People fresh out of affairs seem to take that extreme self absorbed energy and re-focus it into extreme self absorbed depression . It truly is all encompassing. It's not fair to anyone around them. It's like a double betrayal to their spouses and children . I can say that, because I'm the one that did it .

After 25 years of marriage my wife cheated on me then left me only to allow me back with her after 2 months gone but he got what he wanted and disappeared. That was 2 and a half years ago and she has no remorse or regret and especially no empathy she sais that now she just isn’t interested in sex and refuses to let me show her any passion or desire. The last time I saw her show any passion or desire it was towards another man. I lost my virginity to her 30 years ago and have never been with another and I love her so much but I’m constantly having nightmares panic attacks and I believe her when she blamed me for pushing her to cheat. I try to get her to talk to me about what she is feeling and I get I’m fine. I’m not fine not at all and we lay next to each other but I’m more lonely now. Why is she no longer attracted to me, why does she seem to not care about my feelings I miss not sex but the closeness and intimacy and not having to wonder how she really feels about me because she showed me. Why is she like this now why can’t get her to trust me and open up to me. What happened to the woman I married she disappeared when her infidelity began but won’t return should I just leave but that won’t help the pain and suffering from being neglected by the only woman I’ve ever loved

Every time I read articles or listen to videos from this site I cannot help to wonder about Samuels and Waynes ex wives. I wonder if the reason Samuel and Wayne found theirselves divorced years after their infidelity is that their wives really never got over the betrayal and simply waited until the children were older. I think that infidelity is simply abuse to their partner and if it were truly treated like that in society it would stop more partners from committing it. I quit listening to many infidelity videos because my husband never could have empathy or remorse for what he did and now is battling cancer. It’s been 4 years since his 7 month affair and almost 4 years since d day. I pray everyday he beats the cancer so he can go on with his life. I have given up on a future with him and will help him during his battle with the cancer, but I plan to move on once he wins this battle. I cannot live with someone who has no remorse for cheating with a girl 33 yrs younger that was not a good person, lying on my life when caught and a multitude of other horrible things.

I found out 5 weeks ago about my husband’s 3 year affair with a woman he met online. We’ve been married nearly 23 years and have 4 kids. He has said and done all the things he’s supposed to and seems completely repentant and remorseful. On the day I confronted him he told me that he loved us both. He then ended it with her (for the third time) and says he thinks he never actually loved her. I’m worried he’s ignoring his feelings about her in order to do what he thinks is right. He is adamant that he has no feelings left for her, even when I tell him I understand that that might not always be the case. He tried cutting ties with her twice before and couldn’t stay away. The only reason he thinks it’ll work this time is because I know? I feel like that puts all the pressure on me to keep him faithful.

I just rediscovers my husband was having an affair with their third woman a month ago. I found out about her 6 1/2 years ago during which he promised he would end it and we did go to some counseling but not much. This was after I found out about his second affair right after the birth of our twins who are our 4th and 5th children. He says he doesn’t want her and was trying to end it but didn’t know how to get out of the relationship. I am trying to understand but can’t. He keeps saying that things weren’t good not always but his perception of the marriage is so different from mine. I’m trying once again to save
Y marriage as I am a Christian and I fee that’s what God wants me to do but I’m afraid he’s in this funk and mourning over her and not me. He seems numb when we talk about this and there is no passion or “fight” to save us. He’s a Christian too but completely lost and I’m too battle weary to keep propping him up. I also feel like I’m being foolish to belt that “this time it’s over”. The ones having th affairs can’t even begin to understand the pain and hurt and self doubt they have inflicted on their spouse. Especially those of us who have chosen to forcibly to be slapped in the face again and again. Should I try to stay and hope that this time it’s for real or should I just get divorced and try to move on alone. I’m devastated and drapery for help.

My husband had an affair 6 years ago that cost him his job, the respect of our children, and almost ended our marriage. We went through counseling and have worked on healing. It has been a painful few years but our relationship is much better now. That said, I just discovered that my husband is searching for his affair partner on social media and the internet. It turns out that he has been doing this pretty consistently over the past 6 years. I don’t know if he has communicated with her, but the intent is clearly there. I’m not sure why he stayed with me if he still has feelings for the other woman. (This is not a new pattern; he had an affair with another woman years ago and spent a lot of time searching for her online, too.)
I think I finally have the answer I’ve prayed for: I am
not the one he truly loves. He’s just “doing the right thing” by staying with me. I’m ready to throw in the towel.

I have no answers for them.

Honestly I feel this is a really unhelpful article. It seems to go out of its way to emphasise just how much the betrayer's feelings are still fixated on the AP, rather than the spouse. And it seems to also repeatedly talk about how hard it is for the betrayer to 'do the right thing' even if there are no feelings, and stay with the spouse, and how love is about choice not feelings. It's all pretty insensitive.
And to be honest, I'm surprised there is this clear assumption that the betrayed will just be absolutely desperate to reunite with their betraying spouse, and will never even seriously contemplate leaving. It's just so betrayer focused.
Please try and have a more even balance in your articles. One of the reasons I came to this site was to find something about how difficult it is for the betrayed to even contemplate a relationship with the betrayer again. I wanted to see if there was any wisdom on that, and I was expecting to find articles by other betrayed spouses with wisdom for what to do when you don't think you could ever desire your spouse physically or romantically again, as they aren't who you thought they were. What to do when the thought of them being romantic with you makes you feel physically sick, and the last thing you would want to do is give a guy your own precious body after he went elsewhere.
But instead of articles on that all I seem to find are articles talking about how hard it is for the betrayer to re-awaken desire for his spouse after infidelity.
Surely we are past the old tired notions by now of someone being unfaithful because their spouse has let themselves go, or they're not getting enough sex etc. Unfaithfulness can happen to anyone married to a selfish or greedy spouse. It happens to supermodels so it's not by default to do with lack of attraction to one's mate. It's simply bad character and a choice to not follow through on promises made, and a choice to disrespect someone you had promised to always be honest with.
We've got to have a higher view of guys, and that involves holding them to a standard where faithfulness is a fair expectation of marriage. And if it's not kept, leaving the marriage is a great option. While forgiving the person has a lot of value, trusting that person again is likely not the best option, and the betrayed will do a lot better if they can heal and move on to surround themselves with people who they can trust, people who get tempted but who resist.