It seems like shame/guilt/depression could easily be underlying features in all of this. It would be interesting to see an article dealing with shame from the perspective of preventing future infidelities.

Also, most articles I've read have told the hurt partner not to "obsess" over the details of the affair. Where's the fine line (or is there one) of being honest versus obsessing?

Thanks for the article. Again it's hard to read, but I value the difficult insights.

As an unfaitful spouse I wish I had found this site prior to disclosure. I would have been much more prepared to care about my wife's recovery than my own issues. Good article!

Being the unfaithful Husband. I turned it into not what my wife needs but how we get past this. The truth is I must turn to God and give it up. Cant live by Number one and four. Must be real. Wish I had found this sooner!

Wow my husband could be the poster child for what not to do,I guess, except for the bad advice. He would never ask for any advice as he knows best about everything. He says he tries to be "perfect" but that I am unsatisfiable so he just quit trying. I am not sure what he was trying to be perfect at. Marriage counselors are all idiots and books and other programs are way too touchy feely according to him. We muddle along not talking about anything except his job mostly, I am very sorry to have made such a poor choice in life. Trying to learn how to be kind and "loving" to someone who can't love anyone is a very hard road indeed.

this is a very good summary of what not to do. The problem is that as the unfaithful one I am mostly spinning around not sure what to do. I think the point around "Made it about me and my guilt and shame rather than my mate's recovery" is a very good one. I am consumed by my guilt and so it's incredibly difficult to focus on my mate's recovery as everytime I think about anything I feel guilt and remorse. What can we do to break out of the cycle?

I can agree with these statements so much, from the perspective of a "wounded spouse" and now an abandoned one, as my husband of nearly 26 years seeks a "new" affair partner and pursues divorce, almost overnight.

From that perspective -- I see that the dribble and holding back of information literally stalled out the recovery process for us, along with never yielding defensiveness, and I didn't see it in this article but "blaming the spouse" for the infidelity (though never directly, always it was "but you were doing.x.y.z" --not adultery, btw). This blame always gave lip service to taking responsibility, but he never let go of blaming, and started a fresh course of blame with the abandonment. Counsel was inadequate, to non-existent, too.

I would warn any couple that is seeking recovery to let the injured spouse have their anger, and for the unfaithful spouse to confess all as quickly and honestly as possible, with much apology, never being defensive, because -- as the poster before me wisely stated: it is for both spouses. And get a good godly counselor, such as David Clarke, even if it means moving. The money would have been well spent, the move worth the effort (and helpful in our case).

The worst advice we got, and took, was to reduce "processing" to twice a week. This slow dribble of release of pain and anger, and discussion, and apology, was slow death to our intimacy, and made restoration impossible.

The second worse advice my unfaithful spouse found and took was to use self-hypnosis to make himself "feel" good about himself, rather than letting godly sorrow and repentance take hold. As a result of that, he decided that I could just be positive and heal from this a whole different way. That perspective that I could heal this way, too, shut down our processing, indeed our whole relationship.

He left after this conversation, that he had been building up to for a couple of weeks, and that was that. Now I am in worse pain than ever, with very little hope of healing.

He also held onto contact with the last affair partner, because it was just a "harmless" emotional affair that lasted for two years, and is probably still a temptation in his mind.

This left him wide open vulnerable to yet another affair, and this one promises to be an "exit" affair unless God Himself intervenes. The one he is seeking sympathy from now is "just a friend" that he can take on dates while we are separated (not divorced). How people get through divorce when they truly have loved their spouse and don't wish for the divorce, I will never know -- but if he follows through with his threat, I have to say that I hope I come to know.

I thought the recovery process was a nightmare, and ours was made impossible by the holding out on his part, but this is like waking up from a bad dream only to find yourself in a nightmare that you cannot awaken from. No hope.

Unfaithful spouses, please, have compassion on your mates! Let them process, and show you care by being 100% honest and sorry. You'll heal faster, and your spouse will heal and love you for bearing the burden. Don't expect it to be instant or easy, and let the injured spouse tell you when to have these talks, and say anything they want to. Take it like a man or woman, or the chances for your marriage to work will end up about nil. As you are kind, and grow in compassion, and remorse, your mate will believe you are sincere, and follow you to a better marriage. This is what I have heard actually works anyway. Every night processing is not too much. Don't let anyone fool you with the very bad advice of processing twice a week. It does NOT work! In any case, let the injured spouse be the one to decide. I would have insisted on doing it this way, from the beginning, when he still cared -- had I only known. Don't make our mistakes.

I wonder if there are so few men (or people in general) who responded who feel lint getting help was the biggest mistake is only so low simply because those refusing to get help are also extremely unlikely to respond to the survey and that’s women who refuse to get help are more likely to eventually give in and get help when faced with the consequences than men who refuse help are.

We are 8 weeks out from d-day. I asked questions as I thought I could handle the answers. Some things I'm ok with, like the emotional aspect of his affair..because none of those were real..they were based in fantasy and not a real relationship..even though he thought do at the time. The problem lies in the FACT that he had srx outside of us. I know the area of the hotel where one duch act took place, but I am obcessing over which one. I know he went shopping with her, took her to a restaurant while I was out of town. Now I feel like I am going to vomit when I pass the store and restaurant, because I have a tangible landmine knowing her was there with her. I obsess over sexual details. Really x rated ones..positions etc, conversations before and after..funny thing is, he says sex was always better with me. I enjoy hearing him tell me how I am better, what she wouldn't do with him, etc.
So, my question is this...do I ask what hotel and have that tangible landmine? Do I find out how many times? To hom, once he had sex with her and was unfaithful, what's the difference how many times it happened. To me...I wish he would have stopped...everytime he met her at a hotel is a new betrayal to me.
So, how do we disclose what I feel I need to know, and not create tangible landmines?? He is torn and so am I. I am driving us both crazy.