Surviving Infidelity Part 2: What Didn’t Work For Unfaithful Spouses Surviving Infidelity Research: A Two Part Series Part 1: What Do You Need to Know? Part 2: Poor Recovery Decisions of Unfaithful Spouses Hope for Healing registration opens monthly. Subscribe to be notified. This online course for unfaithful spouses fills up quickly, so don't wait! Discover how a supportive non-judgmental environment paired with expert content can provide life-changing hope, clarity, and healing. Learn More In a past survey of Affair Recovery readers, unfaithful spouses identified certain recovery decisions that proved to be unproductive or even harmful. Here's the question, results and our commentary: "What was the least productive thing you did after the infidelity came to light?" 27% Withheld information too long from spouse 25% Maintained contact with my affair partner 19% Wanted my spouse to just get over it 17% Acted defensive 7% Believed / acted on bad advice 5% Refused to get outside help Survey participants also submitted 'other' courses of action that also proved to be unproductive. Three of these stood out: "I didn't take the risk of reengaging with my mate and give them a chance for fear of misleading them." "Focused on trying to be perfect rather than authentic." "Made it about me and my guilt and shame rather than my mate's recovery." Commentary: The Least Productive Actions Reported by Unfaithful Spouses Withheld information too long from my spouse. (27%) If there is one thing that delays healing after an affair, it is stringing out the discovery process. It's tempting to try to control your spouse's reaction by controlling the flow of information, but to reestablish trust, the unfaithful spouse has to first trust their mate with the information. The longer the details of the affair are dribbled out, the more difficult it becomes to reestablish trust as well as to move beyond the discovery stage to the tasks of grieving and forgiving. Often when betrayed spouses get a new piece of information, they're taken several steps backward in the recovery process. If the information was intentionally withheld, they may also feel further betrayed by the manipulation behind the decision to not share the information. It's important to note however, that some unfaithful spouses, who are being transparent, sometimes genuinely have forgotten some details and in an attempt to continue to be transparent, share new information if they remember something that they had not shared. To help navigate the discovery and disclosure process we have included step by step instructions that you can follow in the free First Steps Bootcamp for Surviving Infidelity. If you are currently in the discovery stage with your mate, take a lesson from those who've gone before. Let go of the information so that you can use the time productively and make progress in your recovery. Maintained contact with the affair partner. (25%) One-fourth of our respondents identified maintaining contact with the affair partner was the least productive thing they did during recovery. This may seem obvious to the betrayed spouse, but an affair often affects the brain of an unfaithful spouse like an addiction. They are not likely to be rational when breaking off an affair, just like one wouldn't expect an addict to be rational while trying to achieve sobriety. It's been my personal experience that when women have an affair, they're less likely to want to save the marriage. This is because men are often able to compartmentalize their affair and may still want the marriage even while betraying their vows. Women tend to have checked out emotionally long before an affair is possible. For those who can't seem to escape the ties of your affair partner, or for those who simply aren't sure you want to, I suggest reading our "Ending an Affair" series, and our "31 Reasons to Stop an Affair" series. It may also be helpful to learn about limerence and the difference between limerence and love. If you are in an entangled relationship, believe me when I say that you can't fully disengage from your affair partner on your own. You will need help from others who have been there and can guide you with truth and without judgment. Wanted my spouse to just get over it. (19%) As mentioned before, being able to process what occurred during the affair is one of the key success factors to healing after the affair. A possible explanation for the men who wanted their mate to get over it might be a lack of empathy. They failed to see how they wounded their mate. Empathy is crucial in surviving infidelity. Women, on the other hand, tend to have more shame and this might explain their attitude. Regardless of their motivations, it's interesting that this category was third in least productive actions. Giving the hurt spouse space and time to heal is obviously necessary. Additionally it's important for the unfaithful spouse to take responsibility for what they've done and to join their mate on the healing journey. Acted defensive. (17%) We found it interesting that a smaller proportion of unfaithful women than men in our survey selected acting defensive as the least productive thing they did. This may be due to the fact that women often tend to have given up on the marriage prior to the affair. While it's common that men haven't made the decision to leave the marriage before having the affair and are more ambiguous about their motives. Defensiveness usually comes from shame or guilt and is typically an attempt to justify (pass the blame for) people's actions. Acted on bad advice. (7%) Sadly, everybody has an opinion as to what they would do if they were in your situation, yet people actually walking through recovery seem to always report surprise at how they responded when the infidelity came to light. Most of us believe if we are cheated on, we will be out of there, but other factors come into play and influence our decisions. Hopefully, the people we listen to are those who have successfully navigated the recovery process. Refused to get outside help. (6%) We had far more women claim not getting outside help as their least productive action than men. Personally, I believe infidelity tends to be more shameful for women than for men. This shame might account for why the women respondents were less likely to get outside help. It might also be the fact that the men respondents were more likely to want to salvage their marriage and therefore had more motivation to get help from the beginning. Regardless, these women respondents regretted not seeking outside help. Three Other Unproductive Actions of Unfaithful Spouses: I didn't take the risk of reengaging with my mate and give them a chance for fear of misleading them. For those who feel they lost their desire for their mate before their affair, re-engaging in the marriage is difficult. Frequently, there is ambivalence as to whether to continue in the marriage after the affair. Some feel no hope for change in what they considered a miserable marriage. Others doubt whether or not their marriage can be restored. They fear their mate could never forgive them or wonder if they could ever rekindle feelings for their mate. People who have low desire for the marriage may avoid re-engaging to avoid giving false hope. It's interesting, however, that this approach was identified as one of the least productive actions for unfaithful spouses. Without taking the risk of re-engaging, it's impossible to determine the possibilities for healing and for a meaningful life together. Re-engaging is essential to surviving infidelity. I focused on trying to be perfect rather than authentic. People often have affairs because of intimacy avoidance. They are too focused on trying to please their mate rather than being honest with their mate. If an individual's goal in recovery is to save the marriage, then authenticity is not pragmatic. You will tell your mate only what you think they want to hear in order to motivate them to continue in the relationship. However, this leads to a performance-based relationship and we discovered that it's never really enough. The ensuing dissatisfaction can lead to more temptation to have an affair. It also fails to resolve the issues that were present in the relationship prior to the infidelity. Intimacy in marriage almost always creates short-term instability. When we are authentic with one another, it highlights the differences. The most severe consequence of trying to be perfect rather than authentic is how it robs us of love. I can never be loved unconditionally as long as I only conditionally let my mate know who I am. What convinced me of my wife's love wasn't the fact that I was perfect, but that she chose to love me in spite of my imperfections. Authenticity is crucial to surviving infidelity. I made it about me and my guilt and shame rather than my mate's recovery. I found this comment to be particularly interesting. It's certainly easy to make recovery about our failure with little or no consideration as to how our actions affected another. While it has the appearance of humility, to be focused on our shame is still 100% self-centered. Love is concerned for others, not what others think of us. If you're in the in midst of recovery and surviving infidelity, I hope you'll learn from those who've gone before. It's not time that will heal you, but it's how you use that time. Are you making decisions that bring new life and health, or are you still stuck in a spiral of destruction? EMS Online is a great way to start down the right path. I hope you'll choose life. Hope for Healing registration opens monthly. Subscribe to be notified. This online course for unfaithful spouses fills up quickly, so don't wait! Discover how a supportive non-judgmental environment paired with expert content can provide life-changing hope, clarity, and healing. Learn More EMS Weekend is now Virtual! Check out Rick's special video below to hear how our first ever Virtual EMS Weekend went. Our 3-day weekend intensive for couples to heal after infidelity now offering $1,000 discount for virtual months. Limited availability. Sign Up Now! EMS Weekend is Virtual! Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressDescriptions: For the coupleRL_Category: Affair PreventionHandling DiscoveryRecovery FundamentalsWhy Marriages FailRL_Media Type: Video