Forgiving Infidelity: The Gift of Forgiveness Long ago when I was first starting out in business, I had a friend who abused and misused me. The circumstance was simple. After committing to partner with me on a business plan, he told me he had found a more promising partner, took my idea and ran away. In the blink of an eye, I was on the outside, crushed by the fickle state of relationships. What I felt then were the same emotions many experience when first discovering infidelity. (Although, I recognize the intensity of the pain pales in comparison to what Stephanie experienced with my own betrayal over three decades years ago). When my business partner left me, at first I felt devastated and alone. I wondered what was wrong with me that he would choose another business partner? My pride felt destroyed and shame washed over me like a roaring river. Feelings of inadequacy and insecurity were my constant companions, and although I was very young, I knew enough to understand I hated what I felt and wanted nothing to do with him, or the feelings now associated with him. Would I ever find another business partner I could trust? Would anyone ever want to work with me again? Similar to forgiving infidelity, I didn't know where to start. I found that each time I rode by his house, anger flooded my soul. I imagined hurting him in the same way he'd hurt me. I'd ignore him when we saw each other in public. If we were both outside, I'd move to the other side of the street. If I encountered him in the store, I'd leave. If I saw him at church, I'd move to the other side of the room and pretend he wasn't there. I wanted to make sure he paid for what he'd done. And I was going to make sure that I would never be treated that way again, not by him or anyone else. If someone had suggested that I forgive him, I would have laughed, cursed, or even thought they were insane. In my mind, he didn't deserve forgiveness. He deserved death, pain, and suffering. The rage I felt was seductive in many ways but not at all helpful and provided me no real comfort. I wasn't interested in getting even - I wanted to get ahead. I was sure that the antidote to bitterness was revenge. To Forgive or Not To Forgive? This is an unbelievably common question. The incredible pain of the betrayal may create a nearly impossible situation, one in which the betrayed spouse feels as though they cannot function until they get even. To forgive or not to forgive is where almost every betrayed spouse ends up. Overcome with a myriad of emotions, not to mention a wide array of advice from well-meaning people, the mind of the betrayed is often maxed out and paralyzed. The betrayed spouse can be overwhelmed with questions like: If I forgive and give my mate what they want, what will keep them from doing it again? Will they have suffered enough or even long enough to discourage them from doing it again? Maybe I need to hold this over their head for the time being, in order for them to understand the level of pain they've caused? Bitterness and anger are the weapons most used to inflict the pain necessary to discourage future indiscretions. By not forgiving infidelity, betrayed spouses may even notice their mate working harder to reconcile and gain forgiveness. But Is Forgiveness Losing Control? For many, granting the gift of forgiveness is relinquishing their last ounce of control. For others, they wonder how they can maintain safety once they release their anger and bitterness? How can you maintain safety once you release your anger and bitterness? What many fail to realize, due to the overwhelming and practically incapacitating pain, is that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. For those who come from faith, the teachings of Jesus are very clear. Forgiveness is not optional, not even when it comes to forgiving infidelity. Therapists and infidelity experts, whether they have a Christian worldview or not, tend to agree that forgiveness is not for the benefit of the betrayer but rather for the benefit of the offended. I learned this concept early on as a young man, yet the lesson has stayed with me for decades. Harboring Hope registration opens soon. Subscribe to be notified. Harboring Hope is our online course for betrayed spouses to heal after infidelity. It often sells out within a few short hours. Don't miss it! Subscribe to Registration Notifications! I discovered that my unforgiveness of my business partner affected me far more than it did him. As long as I held a grudge, he had control over my life. Do you recall what I said earlier about how I changed my behaviors when I encountered him? When I saw him, I altered my plans to make sure he knew I was still angry. I lost my peace. The very sight of him stirred deep emotions of hatred and ruined my day—over and over again. It stole my joy morning until night. Nothing made me more miserable than seeing him living well while I still suffered. My unforgiveness served no good purpose other than to further harm me. I had suffered enough. Unforgiveness kept me blind to anything but my anger and the injustice I felt in my heart. Before I could heal, I needed to see all of this more clearly. Now, don't think for a moment that I'm suggesting that forgiving infidelity is quick or cheap or easy. In fact, it's far more than the offender deserves! If I had this much trouble mustering forgiveness for a business partner—someone I had committed no more than a few months and some money to. It is infinitely harder to forgive an unfaithful spouse, someone who vowed "till death do us part." Again, though, it is not for their sake that we forgive. We forgive for our own health and ultimate recovery. If you have a personal faith, you also forgive because God first forgave you. If you don't come from faith, forgiveness still sets you free and provides the necessary context for a life free from the desire for vengeance. This journey is all about finding freedom from your crushed heart and to get your life back and move forward. Bitterness and unforgiveness will never bring peace or joy and will most certainly kill any sense of hope for reconciliation and restoration. Bitterness and unforgiveness are like poison. Be sure to understand that I'm not saying that forgiving infidelity is synonymous with trust and reconciliation. I'm not even saying that your anger and hurt will be gone. The forgiveness I'm writing about is between you and God. where you (like Jesus) say "Father forgive them, they don't know what they're doing". It may seem as though they should be aware of what they are doing, but in reality, it's part of the fog they are enveloped in. They are just not in touch with the magnitude of what their choices have done, or are doing to you. They are not living in reality. Nevertheless, the most important type of forgiveness is about releasing them to God and allowing Him to deal with their sin and also help you have the courage to forgive. This is to set yourself free, not your mate. For additional help in understanding forgiveness and working towards forgiveness you can view all of our related content in the How to Forgive category in the Recovery Library. "See? You Have To Forgive Me!" If you are the betrayer, please don't use this to say to your mate "See, you have to forgive me!" That's up to the betrayed and where they are at in their personal journey. Demanding forgiveness will only intensify their feelings of hurt, pain, frustration, and anger. In fact, if you feel you need your mate's forgiveness in order for you to be okay, then I'd like to invite you to consider the possibility that your mate may be like your god and your need for their approval might signal an imbalance in your own life. Those from whom we seek to gain forgiveness in order to find peace are the ones we expect to relieve us from our fears and insecurities. It's a type of co-dependency that happens so gradually, sometimes we don't realize how unhealthy is has become. I look at forgiveness as a process, an event, and then a process on the other side. I believe we must sit down and consider with great prayer and contemplation what it is we are really forgiving. Numerous losses are experienced with betrayal: loss of the idea of who are mate is, loss of hope for the future, and loss of friendships. As you are painfully aware, the list goes on and on. Ultimately, it involves no longer making them indebted to us for what they have done. One definition of forgiveness I like to use is, "Giving up all hope of having a better past." The event of forgiveness can be freeing for everyone involved. Then the process on the other side of the event has no defined timeline. It is to remember that I have forgiven the particular offense(s) when bad feelings pop into my mind, when a physical or financial consequence is felt, when the person does something else hurtful in the present, or when someone else does something hurtful that serves as a trigger to my past hurt and emotions. Harboring Hope registration opens soon. Subscribe to be notified. Harboring Hope is our online course for betrayed spouses to heal after infidelity. It often sells out within a few short hours. Don't miss it! Subscribe to Registration Notifications! 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