Life After Divorce: How the Unfaithful Sees It

Things will never get better for me

Hi, I am a divorced husband from Sydney, Australia. My ex-wife who was unfaithful at least twice, put me through the Family Court process and claimed the value of most of the family home. She also stole custody of the children. The divorce attorneys and lawyers and Family Court in Australia are EXTREMELY expensive. I barely had enough funds, via the help of relatives to cover the property split-up. I tried to discuss my children's custody via an out-of-court mediation process, but my ex-wife recantered and in the end caused the mediation to fail. I think this is in part because she wants me to pay maximum child support (in Australia when you have nil child custody, you pay maximum child support). What do you think that I should do?

Today, morals have declined. It is common today for people to cheat. It is sad for kids. Today often if they have enough money even if they cheat some so called friends stay with them. Didn't bother me, they were not really good friends anyway, and I have my kids. Worth a million of her.

I am the betrayed spouse. After caught my spouse emotionally cheated only after 5 months of our marriage (we still lived separately due to commuting reasong), going on a date even stayed at a hotel with some other lady, I lashed on my anger, jealousy, asked and begged his affections, offered him ways to win my heart and trust back, he did apologized but doing the recovery work half-heartedly (because he thought emotional infidelity doesnt mean anything because theres no physical intimacy whatsoever). I reached my peak because he kept hiding his phone, wouldnt let me track his behaviors, and wouldnt change his day off which is the same as the affair partner (AP). I had to show him divorce papers because I felt unheard, not validated, and he kept denying and hiding everything.

He told me to leave him alone for 2 months and after leaving me 2 months he asked for a divorce. I never ever wanted a divorce, I kept asking, begged him to stay even saying that I will erase everything and start anew with you, but I was forced to let go. I had to accept everything; feels like I am being punished for something that I didnt even do and it hurts me and my whole family. Im still contemplating my decision to divorce him because I am afraid that I hastily decided on divorce. But again deep down I know even though we stay after divorce, I will not be able to fully forget awful things he did, he might even do it again with more secrecy, and I will just be another housemaid to him. We are going to hurt each other even more and I will not be able to continue my life.

Ironically, my ex cheated on me multiple times and was also abusive, but *I* was the one who got ostracized by basically everyone we knew mutually, including the arts community in our city, after he abused me for nearly 20 years, cheated on me multiple times, abandoned me, and smear campaigned me. More than 6 years later, my whole entire mutual community locally are still ostracizing me. When they see me coming, they get a deer in headlights look like they want to escape. I'm an artist and the entire community I got my advanced degrees in completely shut me out locally. I can't move because of my day job and other related issues. Even my church community is not ht3re for me when the chips are down.

HE cheated and abused and smeared, but *I* am the one being shunned. We don't talk much about that kind of cheater, or the havoc they cause in the victim's life.

Who cheated, my wife was still willing to move mountains to make us work, I just feel like we are growing toxic and I 100% take ownership of my mistake. I’m just having a hard time feeling like I’m holding her hostage and I’m just waiting to mess up again, to me she deserves better and more from a partner that I’m afraid I will never give.

After seemingly putting my life together after my ex wife cheated . I met someone and after a few years we got engaged. That fell apart 3 years ago. Single again and after nearly 10 years after my divorce I've thought about my ex wife for whatever crazy reason over the past few months. I've come to a bizarre conclusion I still love her and had thoughts of us getting back together. Though I realize I wouldn't be able to because of what she did. We don't talk at all and have for years because of her hostile nature towards me (she's the one who's angry ,but the one who cheated) I guess I'm at a cross roads in my life where I don't know which path to take. Struggling through many aspects of my life right now.

My ex ended a 7-year-old relationship over the phone with me. Just dumped me like a piece of garbage. While I was busy crying daily and trying to sweep the shattered pieces, he was enjoying life with the woman that he had been talking a lot about around me for the last 6 months of our relationship. “Carrie this….Carrie that….I was talking with Carrie the other day…”

I have never fully gotten over that breakup. I’m married now with children but there’s an area within me that is still angry over how he treated me. I would never admit it to anyone I know, but I have never forgiven him.

I grew up in a toxic environment and my sister was the favorite. Always felt I shouldn't have born. Always told I can't do anything. at such a young age boys would be abusive towards me. I got hit couple times by my classmates for no reason. All these led me to become abusive mentally and physically to my partners. I also cheated on all of them. Then I met my ex husband who's much younger than me. I thought he was similar with me but turned out he was my karma. He showed signs of covert narcissist and he was a compulsive liar. His folks were abusive so he learn to lie to get his ways. Fast forward one night we fought and I was hitting him w/pillow and he aggressively grab it from me and that triggered me and I scratched his arms. He called the cops on me after we had squash it. I took him to his eye dr hours after and that's when he called the cops on me and I got arrested. His family put me through hell but It's was mainly my ex who was the cause of that. I wanted revenge so I took him back and his folks found out kicked him out left him penniless and he joint the marine and I said let's marry. We did and I thought God was finally giving me sunshine. I was wrong our marriage was toxic. He constantly lied and cheat and when confronted he denies. This led me for be more physically abusive and I ended up cheating to make me feel better. I started to feel remorse later and started to change but he got worse. We even gotten an abortion which I am heartbroken til this day. Long story short I helped him get back with his family and God bless him with a good career and degree and he cheated on me with someone he desire since the marine and he blind sided, abandon and left me and our dog sick, no place of our own, and a very grim future. I cling to God but now the devil is showing me God favors my ex and I'm the enemy so I'm being punish. God will do whatever he likes. My ex has never gotten any discipline to any of his wrong doings to me but here I am being punish.

I was the injured spouse in the situation. We have a 6 year old and a 2 year old. My condition of staying in the relationship two years ago on D-day was that he did the recovery work with me. He begged me to stay. I was willing to do whatever it took for our family. We signed up for and completed EMS Online. We also were going to a counselor recommended by the program once a week. He resisted all of this, complained about the homework, complained about the time, complained about the money it cost (I paid for all of it). Protesting after sessions, by sleeping downstairs, refusing to go on date nights, going on long drives, changing passwords and coming home from counseling screaming and yelling. In my eyes it seemed he only did it because I was willing to move out of our home if he didn’t. Now, he says he would not have done it if he didn’t want to. At the time it seemed it was more concerned with getting custody of his affair child then working on our home. Which I suggested might be better to fix the home you want to bring the innocent child into before you try to take a child from her mother. This was met with distain; as it was “his child” not mine.
We are now separated due to domestic violence, which occurred while we were half way through the EMS aftercare. He has a history of anger management problems not only with his family, but being ordered to completed class from his work in the past. I completed harboring hope and individual counseling on my own to try to heal from what he put us through and be a good mother. He stated he does not need Couseing. CPS threatened to take the children due to the domestic violence, I moved out to live with my family and try to improve myself. He has not visited us once in a year, not sent a dime of child support, calls to speak to the children and curses me out screaming and yelling at the top of his lunges. I did not call the police the day of the domestic violence nor was I the one to press charges. He says he did enough for us and he Can now see i was the problem all along. Obviously this hurts and I care about him. He seems to have moved on with his life just fine and is happy being a weekend dad to the affair child. He told me one day I will regret ruining our children’s lives.

This article for my attention but really didn’t relate to me as I thought it would. As the betrayed spouse I have dealt with every double standard and public lashing my spouse could hurl. You see, after 2 years of hearing “what do you care, you didn’t love me, I was hurt first” I left. And that’s when the narcissism really kicked in. So this article is hard to read because it feels like it’s telling the story of how it happens for the unfaithful. But in my reality I got cheated on, isolated, and accused of being the one to break up the marriage. But going back is not an option. At this point he has been so awful that I would never go back. And that is OK too!

15 months post-divorce, I find myself and my ex-husband in a very different situation from the self-reflection offered in this video. He had the affair, but post-divorce, is filled with hostility toward me. I am indifferent, but cordial, toward him as I am relieved to no longer be burdened by the chaos of his choices. I am sad for him and my children, because our children want little to do with him, and he rarely tries to see them. I'm sure he blames me for the consequences of his choices. His pride and narcissism will likely prevent him from ever fully engaging in acknowledging his poor decision-making, much less attempting to make amends. He seems to spend his days trying to figure out how to cut financial support for me and my children, but spends on himself and his affair partner endlessly. I am interested in the psychology of such people, but recognize that I may never fully understand. Thank you.

I found your resources so helpful at the start of my discovery of my husband’s betrayal and when I thought he wanted to work on restoring the marriage. However 12 months later he said his feelings have changed and despite therapy he no longer wants me. I may not have a choice in a divorce although it was NEVER what I wanted. Perhaps you could include more resources for people like me who have tried everything but cannot force a spouse to work on healing. I feel your resources no longer help me as I feel judged because this marriage is over - even though it breaks my heart to admit it.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with reconciliation. People easily get that confused. The final step in the forgiveness process is to release or reattach. Regardless of the unfaithful spouse being a ‘poster child’ of recovery this is a deeply personal choice for a betrayed. I read many more blogs, books, articles, about people who have healed better and found fulfilling relationships after leaving an unfaithful spouse than staying in a marriage that left part of them dead. You cannot love a full life being dead! The kids will all know one day what their unfaithful parent did. It’s MUCH better having an ongoing age appropriate conversation with the kids than to have them hear about it from a relative (as I did hearing about my father’s cheating on my mom). Open conversations are imperative in healing!
More often than not it’s the kids that are the reason betrayeds are ‘guilted’ into staying in a marriage that was abusive. And yes, cheating is terribly emotionally abusive. I rarely hear encouragement for the betrayed to overcome their fear of change and ‘responsibility’ to the family and do what’s best for them. How many quotes about fear are out there?! Everything you want is on the other side of fear. Yes, you have to heal, forgive, stop taking their actions personally, but can you do this with your abuser still in your life ...truly? Even if they ‘get it’ now and are ‘over it’ the horrendous damage is done and cannot ever be undone. You will forever be on guard. It’s part of our biological make up to avoid what causes us pain and you cannot get rid of that no matter how much therapy you do. Your unfaithful spouse chose to throw away you and your children like garbage. They dropped a nuclear bomb on your lives. It is NOT your responsibility to save this. The incredible about of work an unfaithful has to do within themselves to ‘get it’ is daunting and most wont make it. They may make a stab at it but looking into the depths of themselves is too painful and one of the reasons why they cheated in the first place! They can’t face themselves and you’re left having to ‘fix’ it. Which you can’t! It’s more likely than not your close friendships and extended family have already been affected by the damage caused. A nuclear bomb is not self contained. Remember you are NOT the problem OR the solution.
At the end of the day we are on our own spiritual journey, separate from our spouse, kids, family, friends. People come into our lives to teach us lessons and vice versa. It takes much more courage to let go of what no longer serves your highest good than it does to stay clinging to what you wish would’ve been. It’s the whole ‘devil we know is better than the one we don’t’ fallacy. It’s time you truly face what negativity you’re willing to surround yourself with. It is costing you your life. Resentment is the biggest factor of illness and disease.
If you stay in a marriage ‘pretending’ you’re ok the kids will feel it. You can’t fake your energy. The damage is there. Talk about it, focus on what’s best for you, heal yourself, come to peace with yourself and if then you think you can really be all ‘in’ in your marriage again then stay. If not, leave with peace of mind that you are an amazing person that overcame Hell and let it go. Your children will be much better off being separated from parents than living in an emotionally dead house. They will see how you can overcome hard things and that leaving does not mean quitting any more than staying does.
As long as you are doing what’s true for you (and it takes a ton of work to figure this out sometimes) than it is true for everyone! Even if it causes pain in others. Give yourself permission to trust yourself and believe in a better future. There are ‘horror’ stories with staying and divorcing. Your life does not have to be a horror story. Take the path forward with courage. Love yourself with all of your heart!
God bless you all. Being betrayed is a death blow but you will rise like a Phoenix!

Even after 3 1/2 years, over 2 years divorced, this topic still enrages me. I was the betrayed and did not want divorce, she filed for divorce 2 months after discovery. She is still with her affair partner, his marriage ended in divorce as well. Every time she contacts me or thoughts of her come up, I get angry. I have only been to an event with her present once (our son's wife's baby shower) and that was uncomfortable. I don't go to family events where she is present, and even her contacts to try to make arrangements so I can attend feel condescending and controlling. I can definitely say divorce did not make our relationship better, the opposite.

After some thought, I think what makes this difficult for me is the fact that she ended her marriage, his marriage, and now remain together, all the while repeating that she would like to become friends, maybe closer friends than when we were married. Give me a break!!!

My expectations were reasonable...they were not met...now I will have to live with the status quo which is obviously cheating and being "forgiven" for it. Which to me means the unfaithful can feel extremely thankful that I accept him as my room-mate, financial partner and father of my children for the remainder of our long lives...Depressing

Interesting how this information is written from the unfaithful's perspective. It some ways, it enforces or provides validity to the betrayer in his or her reasoning to avoid separation or divorce. Items may be shown by research to be of common conclusion, however, when the spouse who was unfaithful chooses to remain in the patterns which led to infidelity, there is little resolution for the one "left".  Items mentioned above seem to support the unfaithful's line of blame or lack of commitment to change in that they suggest that divorce really does not make one happy.  Happy or not, the reality of the brokenness and despair is monumental and if there is not an exact, intentional, and sacrificial choice made to repair what was broken by subscribing to vows of marriage and the biblical mandate for marriage, then divorce becomes a viable solution to place one on the road to healing and self-restoration.