I love premarital counseling. It's so easy. I don't mean to be sarcastic or condescending here, but I'm sure you'll get my drift as I continue on. The reason premarital counseling is so easy is that you've got two people believing they have found the one person in the entire human race who can truly make them happy. They are definitely NOT asking the question, "At what point should I get a divorce?" They are consumed with bliss and willing to make the necessary sacrifice just to have the opportunity to travel the road of life with their chosen, cherished person. Together, they feel they can conquer the world and experience true love for a lifetime.

It really makes little difference what you say to these couples, because they're going to do what they want anyway. You can throw warnings of potential problems, but there is a slim chance they will think it needs addressing. In their minds, they've already figured it out, and they are going to do what they feel they want to do. There's no hint of a future in which they might be coping with divorce.

Romance Is Easy (Early On)

Dating, engagement, and courtship are all based on a paradigm called romanticism. Romanticism is always about two people who are not together but are longing to be. It's about wanting what you don't have and the sacrifices you're willing to make to get it.

Marriage, on the other hand, is based on a system called oneness. The paradigm of oneness is somewhat like tying two cats' tails together and then instructing them to get to the water bowl or to go out and catch supper. In marriage, it's no longer about wanting what I don't have; it’s about figuring out how to navigate life's incredible challenges while joined at the hip.

Our inability to comprehend this reality sets couples up for painful disappointment. Frequently, marriage just doesn't meet our expectations. I've always thought the best way to explain this reality is a baby in utero. If I could speak to an unborn child, I could try to explain what life is going to be like on the other side—how life is different and how there are these things called air and light, what it means to breathe. "Breathe?" the child might ask, "What is that?" My explanations might leave a lot to be desired because how can I explain the reality of breathing to a person who has never felt the wind or experienced anything beyond the safe warm fluid within the womb?

In the same way, our best attempts at explaining marriage to those not married are lacking. We can try, but ultimately those entering the marital union are usually pretty naïve about what they are about to experience.

Divorce and Infidelity

I believe the only naiveté that exceeds that of those who are entering a marriage is the naiveté we exhibit as we exit a marriage when coping with divorce. Still, the question looms: "Should I get a divorce?"

Why people think they understand the dynamics of coping with divorce or that they will be able to easily navigate the difficult and life-changing process is baffling. If you don't believe me, then go visit a divorce recovery class. There, you will see smart, wonderful, otherwise-successful people who are broken and hurting, trying to pick up the pieces and move on. Not only are they dealing with the pain, but they're also dealing with other issues, such as dating after divorce. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever seen individuals in as much pain as those going through the ripping-apart that occurs as a marriage ends.

Divorce hurts the partner, their spouse, their children and so on. It's simply not easy, and it certainly is not what most people anticipate when they decide to divorce. Much like those entering the union of marriage, those exiting this union often seem incapable of hearing or understanding the reality that awaits them. As a counselor, I could scream, "Bridge out ahead!" but few would listen.

Some listen and really go to great lengths to ponder what awaits them should they take the divorce route. Others are dead set on ending the union and are not interested in sorting out the decision nor do they care to act out of wisdom. They don't even ask the question, "Should I get a divorce?" Instead, they take the shortest path to relief.

What Should You Do?

Are you considering your options during this difficult time? If you're contemplating ending your marriage, please remember, you may be acting out of naiveté. I would encourage you to stop and ponder whether it might be worth trying to figure out how to make this thing work or, at the very least, attempt a comprehensive last-ditch effort to see if the marriage can be saved.

This new clarity and insight will enable both spouses to come out of the fog of ambivalence and raw trauma. After over 30 years of caring for those struggling with the painful effects of infidelity, I can tell you that while it may look and sound impossible, there is often hope and opportunity for change.

Many couples come to us as a true last-ditch effort and are surprised to find that they are now seeing and understanding issues between them with a much greater sense of clarity and urgency. Should you consider moving forward in divorce, though? You don't know what's waiting for you, and no one is any more capable of explaining that reality to you than air to an embryo.

Please understand that coping with divorce, especially after infidelity, is no easy task. Every situation is uniquely challenging and requires a great deal of patience and strategy before you finally act.

Sometimes, a mate refuses to take action. If you've held on for what seems like an eternity and your spouse's actions continue to show disregard for any of your pain or other consequences to children or loved ones, not to mention your future together, you may have come to the point where divorce is your best option.

I would never want to recommend staying with a spouse that is abusive, whether physically or verbally. Sometimes, divorce might be the only option for your and your children's safety. However, when abuse is not present in your relationship, or there's just a really bad feeling of being "stuck," I'd say pump the brakes before you end the marriage. The relief a person or couple might feel for ending it without giving a comprehensive effort (with an infidelity expert) could soon be replaced with pain, agony, and regret.

My team and I would be more than happy to help in any way we can. There are a variety of Programs and Courses" and free resources on our website.

Just below, I'll share an answer to a previously submitted question: How Long Should I Resist Divorce?