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Is Forgiveness Really Possible?

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Several years ago, my friend, John, told me about a man who was struggling with forgiveness.

This man's wife had taken the two youngest of their four daughters to a friend's birthday party. Halfway through the birthday party, she received a call from their two teenage daughters saying they needed to be picked up from a high-school party that was getting out of hand. Wanting to get them out of a bad situation, she grabbed the two younger girls, loaded them into the car, and hurried over to get her older girls. She didn't waste any time on the road since she knew her teen girls would be standing at the curb, waiting for her to arrive. She was in the process of texting the mother of the younger child's birthday party to explain why she had taken her girls and left without saying goodbye when she felt the jolt of her car jumping a curb – she was distracted and had not seen the bend in the road. She looked up just in time to see her beautiful teen daughters go under her car.

Both died.

After the horrific accident, John tried for months to talk with his old friend, the dad of these girls. Each time he called him, his friend would say he wasn't ready to talk. Finally, he agreed to getting together.

John told me there were two things his friend shared that really struck him. First, John's friend realized the accident hadn't just taken the girls' lives but, somehow, had taken almost everything he treasured:

It robbed the innocence of his two younger girls as they had witnessed the violent death of their two older sisters.
It robbed the special intimacy he and his wife shared. She was so distraught by what she'd done, that she seemed incapable of connecting with him. The pain of that night invaded all their time together.
It robbed him of a career he loved. He had been a pilot, but his job required travel three to four nights a week, and he now needed to stay home and take care of his family. He also confessed that he was so distracted and full of sorrow, that he wasn't even sure it would be safe for him to fly a plane.
He lost his social community. He had many friends, but going out felt awkward, selfish, and painful. He was always afraid people would ask how he was doing, or worse, he was afraid they wouldn't ask about it at all.
He lost his ability to financially support his family as he once had. Finding another job with the same level of pay was not possible – he had taken a 40% pay cut.
The accident cost him his church because he didn't feel he could go there and pretend he and his family were fine. He was confused by how people seemed to go on as if nothing had happened.
His belief that God is a loving God was not lost, but definitely in jeopardy!
The accident had even cost him contact with his extended family. His parents were grieving and blamed his wife for the death of their two granddaughters. They refused to come visit if she was present.

The second thing John's friend shared was that in spite of all the things that he lost, he still understood Jesus' teaching that we should forgive "70 x 7" in a totally new light.¹ He shared how he had forgiven his wife the day his two oldest daughters died and has had to do so multiple times each day as the painful memories rolled across their lives. He vowed that he would continue to forgive her every day from now until eternity.

John told me, "I was so struck by the forgiveness statement and thought of all the couples you are helping through Hope-Now."

Forgiveness is not a one-and-done process when it comes to trauma and pain of this magnitude. For those who come from faith, they may identify with the parallel we can draw from the concept of baptism. The inner change is the beginning, not the end of the process of a deeply personal sanctification. For those who don't come from a faith background or a personal faith, what I'm trying to convey is that our healing is a process. It's layer upon layer of work that we must do in order to process our pain and heal, slowly but surely, one day at a time.

The similarities between what this man experienced and what those who are recovering from infidelity experience struck me. All of us have been betrayed on some level, and all of us have betrayed someone else on some level. I hope this example reminds us to never take the forgiveness extended to us by others for granted! If you're ready for change and looking for a process to walk you through this journey, I encourage you to sign up for our Harboring Hope registration is open. Find a safe community of people working toward the healing and support you desire. Click here https://www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope to learn more.

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70X7

Submitted by olddude on Thu, 03/10/2022 - 21:29

I also would like to see some video presentations from experts or mentors who’ve been betrayed. I do appreciate and have been helped by the videos from Rick, Wayne and Samual but I would find it easier to believe that an extraordinary marriage lays ahead if I have heard it from someone who has experienced the same depth of pain that I’ve experienced. I know some betrayed spouses have been interviewed but the interviewer generally lead and directed the discussion.

I think what the point of the 70 X 7 story was meant to relate is that forgiveness will need to be granted over and over. My wife’s brief affair early in our marriage (in the 1970’s) still affects me daily. The process is similar even if the nature of the tragedies are quite different.

Look for articles and videos

Submitted by rcr99 on Fri, 03/11/2022 - 08:54

Look for articles and videos from John Haney and Leslie Hardy, they do the Harboring Hope course for betrayed spouses and are both previously betrayed spouses themselves.

I disagree with the complains of this articler.

Submitted by Ole (not verified) on Fri, 03/11/2022 - 07:33

After reading the moments, i would disagree with the reactions many have. Regardless of circumstances from where the pain origins from, you need to move forward. I experience there i sa a great miss from many of the commenters, that one is planned and executed hurt, the other a tragedy and therefore the topic of forgiveness cannot be brought up. I dissegra.

To bring up other events, to draw parreles to events is ment to give you an afterthought. This is to lift your head up and relearn more self-awareness. This is how i choose to interpreterte this article.

I will for whoever wants to challenge this, to know i am the hurt-giver in my family. My perspective is that i feel immense shame, and self-hate and during the harder times i daydream to end my life as the pain is severe for me. This is my reality, and my emotions even though i did comit infidelity. If i am to help, and support my wife, i most heal too and start forgiving myself to have enough mental capacity to undergo change, to be supportive of her health issues. If i am choosing to be stuck, the marriage will die, and the wish to take responsibility will never come to be, just because the guilt and mental illness is preventing self-healing. First you need to heal yourself, to forgiveness yourself, then you can be present.

THis is why this article is something i support came; it is just one out of many topics that needs to be brought up. To expand yourself, to be more knowledgeable to comit, will need reflection and to draw parallells from different events.

Sympathy and Forgiveness Aren’t The Same

Submitted by SmalltownGirl on Sat, 03/12/2022 - 07:48

My husband found AR in 2018 after confessing to our doctor he’d had an affair. He joined Hope for Healing and at his request, I joined a Harboring Hope group in 2019. Near the end of the year my husband and I attended an EMS weekend. We did the 6 week couples follow up. We flew back to Texas on two occasions following to meet with Leigh, while we continued to see separate counselors in our home state.

I believe AR helped us in many ways and gave information that we each could apply to areas of our situation.

The unfortunate reality of many intensives like EMS is they are attended prior to a full therapeutic disclosure. At the beginning of the weekend, Rick asks the betraying spouse to look at their betrayed spouse and confess if there is more that your spouse doesn’t know about or if whole story is out. My husband looked me in the eyes and promised I knew everything.

Much to my surprise, my D day, three plus years ago was the only infidelity my husband claimed until we found our, CSAT counselor in 2020 who prepared me to brace myself for more.

A full therapeutic disclosure in July of 2020 revealed that I’d been betrayed our entire relationship and that the one night stand I believed we needed to heal from was actually just his last one.

Addiction is not a marriage issue. Marriage counseling and intensives should be shelved until the betrayed spouse has the entire story and that needs done with the help of a specialist. Read Milton Magness’ Stop Sex Addiction. EMS can then be attended by a spouse who is no longer in shock, denial, bargaining or the dark.

So much more damage was done in our case because my husband’s focus was winning me back and not on his own genuine healing process. He had determined he could betray me for the rest of our lives by withholding the truth because that was less damaging to him than losing me. In essence, his happiness was paramount to my safety and freedom.

This story doesn’t apply in many ways. Betrayal is the purposeful continual destruction of a faithful partner’s spiritual, sexual, mental, emotional, physical, financial, familial, existence and future safety. As adults, we can not feign surprise that casual or long term sex with anyone other than our spouse spreads debilitating and potentially deadly diseases. It destroys trust not only in our partners but in ourselves and others around us. It’s humiliating, expensive and changes us in ways we don’t want changed.

As betrayed spouses, our goal is never to become a better victim so our partners become more adept abusers. Often, love is restrictive not permissive and for the sake of our safety, we must create boundaries to protect ourselves from further attacks.

I believe we can all relate to the losses the husband in the story has experienced but his wife didn’t act in malice or in deceit. She made a tragic error in judgment.

Forgiveness is about my freedom. My husband is not and will never be deserving of it. He can’t fix what he’s purposefully destroyed. There is no salve to cure what he callously annihilated. I have no empathy for an entitled child who throws a toy to the ground and then is angry at it when tape can’t seem to hold it back together. When I have calculated my losses and processed enough of the grief I cycle and recycle through, I will forgive him for my sake.

Empathy however is completely different. This I don’t have and honestly don’t know that I ever will. We can all empathize with the wife and husband in this story. Lord have mercy on them both.

I can’t agree with the earlier chastising statement that betrayed spouses need to get a grip. That’s pretty much all we’re trying to do. No one can tell another that the death of a child is more tragic than betrayal trauma. Each are equally devastating to the person who holds relationships and loved ones equally sacred. Don’t let someone else tell you that the pain they or someone else caused you is unfair or unreasonable. I know it’s taking everything in you to navigate the cruelty of the unwelcome place you’ve found yourself in.

Here’s what I believe happens. In time, the power of the emotion of betrayal wanes. Rick is in a different place than newly betrayed spouses because he has experienced years of forgiveness. I met Stephanie. She’s amazing.

I think only betrayal stories should be used as examples when talking about forgiveness because we are all desperately looking for hope to attach to. Stories like this draw instant comparisons and leave us feeling unseen.

I hear the pain in the above comments. Intimate betrayal trauma is a real thing. We are still living in it every day. We have set aside the marriage for now. We are in our home, raising our daughter and doing our best to heal ourselves while honoring one another in the growth process.

Addicts will and do continue to lie, gaslight, control and malign faithful partners until the root of their trauma and addiction is exposed.

For those who have been continuously betrayed for being betrayed, I’m so sorry. You alone will have to put safety measures into play for yourselves and it’s so hard to do when weakness and strength no longer even make sense to you.

Offending partners, please seek out a trauma therapist or CSAT therapist to determine what you actually need to see about yourself so you have the potential to live authentically and actually be loved and known.

Healing is a journey and each day is riddled with challenges, set backs, revelations and steps forward. I believe this platform is one where others are seen and healing is encouraged. Keep sharing your truth, insights and wisdom here. To healing.

Agree with Smalltowngirl

Submitted by DaniD (not verified) on Sat, 03/19/2022 - 19:19

I read the article and the comments and I want to say thank you to Smalltowngirl for so perfectly and eloquently dissecting the article and putting the pieces back in order with empathy for the father, and entire family in this story, and for your bravery in sharing parts of your story in which we, the other hurting, can relate, empathize, and gain hope from.
Thanks again, Smalltowngirl!

This installment was a

Submitted by Radishgirl on Wed, 06/26/2024 - 13:58

This installment was a godsend for me today as I, 13 months in, face the ripples and get frustrated in going back to crying every day as we pass this milestone. I've never heard that about the bridge. I'm definitely crying a river but i'm going to work on the bridge. Thank you.

Please consider pulling this or doing a conceptual rethink

Submitted by Datasurge86 on Wed, 06/26/2024 - 15:25

I have benefited greatly from a number of these videos as a regular subscriber. I do not usually comment; however, please rethink this video and the examples used. I would rethink, or at least take some more, time in differentiating accidents from choices. In this context, that is a rather important distinction; this can be incredibly hurtful to someone recovering from betrayal. The betrayed get enough of that sort of content from the unfaithful in their own set of circumstances.
I do see an opportunity to use the bridge analogy from a different angle. It's not getting over it or moving past it, it's rebuilding what was destroyed. The unfaithful has a role to play in that process, both for their redemption as a person and for the restoration of the betrayed. That certainly makes forgiveness/healing that much more possible.
One way to think about it: The unfaithful has destroyed the bridge, it is in pieces. Consequently, the betrayed is stranded on the island they both once called home. Crying not only understandable but necessary to heal. I've never seen a construction worker capable of building much of anything let alone a bridge in that state of mind. It becomes the obligation of the betrayed to grieve the loss and work through the emotional fallout; it becomes the obligation of the unfaithful to repair the bridge (i.e. agency, dignity, choice, etc.).
It seems like supplementing this analogy with the role the unfaithful should play would be helpful to the healing process in getting that bridge built.

BW Response to this video and analogy used

Submitted by Kristin Tillotson (not verified) on Fri, 06/28/2024 - 02:17

I have loved so many of hopenow and affair recovery videos, but this one in particular left a very disturbing and unsettling feeling that I cannot agree with. When it ended, my UH and I both looked at each other, completely confused, and more so disgusted by the “cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it please.

First of all, in many AR videos I have seen on intimate betrayal an I have actually seen you speak directly to the unfaithful spouses and tell them never to say “get over it” to their BS. So I’m utterly confused how you are wholly contradicting your own advice in recovery. Grieving is imperative, on the betrayed spouse’s own timeline and I vividly recall the recommendation to Betrayer to allow as much time as needed to grieve. So how then, do you feel goo about telling the betrayed spouses to directly “get over it”? Confusing, rushing the grieving process, and trivializing and minimizing the destruction caused, then telling us to get over it.

I also remember many times on the playground, hearing silliy school children sing out this childish gig, especially in the context of making fun of whoever is being overly emotional, or in child’s terms “acting like a baby”. Please, I am begging you to rethink the concept laid out in this video.

To healing for all betrayed and their betrayers!
Thank you, Kristin

The striking difference is

Submitted by Jody Moore (not verified) on Wed, 06/26/2024 - 16:50

The striking difference is this was a one-time accident. My husband’s afffair was hundreds of disrespectful decisions.

yes!

Submitted by JulyRose (not verified) on Fri, 06/28/2024 - 01:57

So very true. I feel what you are saying to my core...this wasn't an accident. It was uncountable decision after decision to dishonor and disregard me as a wife.

What if the partner is unforgiving?

Submitted by puppycat on Sat, 06/29/2024 - 21:10

How is someone supposed to move forward when they are constantly forgiving, but their partner is not? Is it even possible? For context, I’m the unfaithful, but my partner has stayed for 8 months since dday and I’m now 6mo pregnant. The flooding (yelling, calling me disgusting whore, saying he’ll leave ect ect) just keeps getting worse and it all feels like a trick to hurt me when he’s nice (as he has specifically told me). Maybe this is not the right comment for this article, but it’s been on my mind.

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