sent at the exact right time. 

Thank you. 

I have to admit that as we've been working on recovery (1 year out) that I still have to forgive my husband, EVERY day. For the most part, recovery has gone well. I have to admit there are times when we both get frustrated but, we work through it. We went to counseling together and I still continue to go on my own. I have just recently come to the realization of my own need for his forgiveness...not for his decision to have the emotional and a one time physical act affair (with the same woman) but, for the numerous misunderstandings and assumptions that were factors in what happened. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm making excuses for what he's done, I definitely am not; however, I know now that because we didn't work through other issues it helped to fuel our situation. I pray for us (both separately and as a couple) all of the time. People used to tell us that we were the perfect couple and I think that we actually believed it as well, until this happened. We've been together for 29 years and I pray that we're together for the rest of our lives.

I understand the 70x7, but what does forgiveness really look like?  What do I have to do to truly forgive? 

Forgiveness is an hourly process at the beginning, it is a giving to God the anger and hurt you are feeling. While it helps when the other party is contrite, their actions or attitude have little to do with the process. This is a giving to God, and it is a struggle, we are selfish by nature and take these emotions back often.

Forgiveness is an understanding of the sovereignty of God. While God understands our human frailties and vices, who are we to question him. Yet I find myself on multiple of multiple occasions doing exactly that. Wounds heal in some fashion, but we decide on how badly they scar.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation, nor is reconciliation required for forgiveness, I have found so often in this journey that these two get confused and people often use them almost interchangeable.

The ostracization that was felt in the story was not an issue of forgiveness but of reconciliation.

I never thought of forgiveness as having to be daily. I struggle so much with this forgiveness concept that I even told the marriage counselor that I wasn't eve sure what forgiveness was any more.  Some days I do feel more forgiving than others so maybe I am indeed doing that. 

You asked if we have ever had to ask to be forgiven.  I have not.  I have asked God to forgive me for my sins and the bible tells me he does.  My weakness is not to be able to accept His forgiveness.  

If I did something so horrible that I needed to ask forgivenss from another human I don't think I could.  Even if the forgiveness were offered up without asking I don't think I would believe it.  Forgiveness is a weird thing and you have certainly given me something more to think about on it.

Touching story about forgiveness, but it's not as if the wife set out that evening with the intent of running down her two daughters. It's forgiving for something incredibly painful and done to me intentionally that I'm having trouble forgiving.

I have never responded to these periodic resources but this one struck me so deeply. It reminds me , though the pain I have been going through this past year seems more than I can bear, there are always others whose pain makes mine look slight.

My heart breaks as I read this.

I am striving to forgive. I know it is a necessary step that frees me from bondage and each time a painful thought pops in my head, I try to repeat over and over, "I forgive" until the thought goes away.

Thank you for being one of many supports the Lord has given me to heal from my husbands long term affair. I look forward to each and they are always what I need, when I need it. 

It has been 10 months since discovering my husband's infidelity and although I claimed forgiveness, it was only recently that I truly began to understand what forgiveness commands of me.  For so long, it was dependent upon his expression of regret.  I "forgave" him, but felt no deliverance...that is, until I realized that forgiveness by its very nature is to forgive that which is unforgivable.  

I realized that the forgiveness I depend on from my Maker is no different.  I have had my own moments when I acted carelessly, and sometimes even callously... Sometimes being too foolish to anticipate the consequences, at other times underestimating the damage that might occur, and occassionally even imagining a worthwhile trade off. When I attempted to relate to my husband's humanness, that flawed reasoning that resulted in his transgression, It enabled me to feel some compassion.  Anger comes easily when we've been hurt.  The problem is that there is no end to it.  Forgiveness is a choice.  It is born from compassion... Understanding that we ALL need forgiveness.

First let me say that I am so sorry for that family's loss. It's such a tradegy to lose a child. 

Next, I want to say thank you. For years, I have struggled with the concept of forgiveness. Nobody could ever explain it to me in a way that I could understand. 

I finally see that it's not a one time thing. It now all makes sense to me. 

Maybe now I can work on making all my relationships better. 

Thank you so very much. 

We are almost one year past D-Day and I still need to forgive my H. There were times that I had to do it several times a day. Now not so much anymore; I've got my good days (majority) and my bad days (becoming less and less). I had always thought that forgiving was something you'd had to do once. So I felt guilty that it didn't 'work', until I realized that it's an ongoing thing, until you're truly healed.

Mara

As the betrayer, I don't feel worthy of forgiveness. I want to move past this. The affair was short, but the impact was huge. The affair is over and will always be over. I know the Lord forgives me. My husband also says he forgives me, but the struggle comes day after day. The pulling away, the unreturned or minimally returned affection...it is a constant reminder of my failure. I understand it and feel that I deserve to feel this way now. My old nagging feelings of inadequacy have now been multiplied exponentially. I did this. I dug myself into this pit and cannot find my way out. I have moments when the Lord shows me a little brightness at the end of the tunnel, but these moments are so fleeting. Forgiving myself, that is the hardest.

only after we are so tired of hurting and worn from fighting against the feelings of disappointment and disgust of the betrayal. I often think it is the mind giving up and the tincture of time fading the pain emotion and memories. 

While I appreciate all that this story can teach us about forgiveness and the day to day after any form of trauma, what had been lost here is the matter of intent. It is hard to compare the forgiveness of this basically innocent mother with the forgiveness of a spouse, who purposely pursues adulterous relationships.

I agree with the other comments. This woman made a bad decision that killed her daughters and the family suffered on every level. The difference, though, is that she did not intend to do this. Much like an affair, where the spouse intentionally sets out to be unfaithful, deceived and lies to all around them - especially their spouse.
Accidental death is a world apart from intentional unfaithfulness. I would have rather my wife died in a tragic accident than the years of lies and, since the affair ended, the years of no empathy or remorse or connection toward me.
I applaud this man's ability to forgive, but please don't try to pass this over as the same pain an affair causes in the marriage covenant.

I concur with the comment directly below.

It’s soon going to be 5 years since I found out my wife betrayed me. I think at one point I may have those words “I forgive you” in a counseling session but in reality I’m not sure I ever have. We are still together but my life is nothing like it was. I have little to no passion towards her. I have to literally make myself go and get her a Christmas gift, birthday gift and etc. Before D-day I would put a lot of time and effort into those special days surprising her and enjoying it. I use to think about our future but now don’t ever give it much of a thought. I think she believe I have forgiven her and that things are good between us but it’s from that. I appreciate you sharing the story and my heart goes out to that family but it’s definitely not comparing apples to apples.

What a sad story and yes this is different then an affair. However, in my situation my actions created the environment for the affair. Active Alcoholic for 20 plus years, sober going on 3 years. I have forgiven my wife as she has forgiven me. Or I should say we are actively forgiving each other on a daily basis. Our marriage is not perfect but it is better then it has ever been. We have spent a lot of time and money in counseling and AA & Alaonon. If you truly love your spouse never give up hope. When my wife had moved out was the darkest time in my life. A whole lot of God, AA and dear friends got me through it. Never would have imagined things could be as good as they are now and forgiveness is the key

This is the 2nd time this month that you compare an issue with your spouse, children and family and the ensuing pain with INFIDELITY of your spouse. It’s not even in the same league. And how does that address the RAGE that occurs? Please stop gaslighting us and give us examples we can learn from.

I read this article before going to bed and I could not get it off my mind. Infidelity is a conscious and deliberate act of betrayal. The situation described here was a tragic accident. The two are just not the same. My husband often struggles to understand why it is so difficult for me to move on from the pain caused by his 8-year-long affair. It has been three years since discovery, and I still struggle with depression, crying, triggers, etc. My husband has experienced a number of tragedies in his own life. He lost his mother to cancer when he was just a young boy. He also witnessed a close friend lose his life in a tragic accident. He will often use those examples to shame me for not getting over the infidelity quickly enough. He says that he also experienced bad things in life, but he realized you can’t change the past, so he figured out how to let it go and just move forward. He says I should be able to do the same. I just do not see the situations as being the same. His mother would never have chosen to get sick and leave him. He can take comfort in that knowledge. When his friend was tragically killed, he received an outpouring of kindness and support from others to help him through the grieving process. Betrayal is such a unique situation. The person you love and trust the makes a series of deliberate hurtful choices over many years. It was not a one-time mistake or accident. His lies were woven into the daily life of our family for several years. The discovery of infidelity brings shame to both spouses. There is no funeral to help you grieve the loss. There is no outpouring of support because you don’t want everyone to know. I acknowledge there are many things in life that are much worse than having a cheating spouse. I cannot imagine the pain of losing one of my children. I know there would be no comparison. I just am growing tired of being misunderstood by my husband. Betrayal trauma changes a person in ways that are so different from other types of trauma. The only thing I could relate to from this article was the fact that forgiveness is a process. With infidelity, you are not forgiving a single act of wrongdoing. You must learn how to forgive daily because there will always be intrusive thoughts or new discoveries about past events. It’s a pain that just keeps on giving every day. I came back to this article several hours later just to read the comments to see if other people may have felt the same way I did. It really bothered me that much. I feel somewhat better knowing that I am not alone.