Are You Forgivable? Part 1: Self Assessment Are You Forgivable? A Three Part Series Part 1: Self Assessment Part 2: 7 Myths Undermining Forgiveness Part 3: Stupid Apologies Did you miss your chance for Hope Rising? We now have this year's conference available On-Demand. Experience what all our experts at Affair Recovery have to say about healing from infidelity. Purchase On Demand Access Here! When was the first time you ever really hurt your mate? Did you want them to forgive you? Did you just assume they would forgive you? Did it hurt you to hurt them? For Stephanie and me, that first major wound was in July 1978, just a few weeks after our June 24th wedding. I've included a recap of that event below. Hurting Steph - a personal story Being newlyweds, Steph wanted to be a great wife and for us to have a loving home. She had wrapped up her workday as quickly as possible and came home to prepare a wonderful supper. She had it on the table for the two of us to enjoy at 6:00PM sharp, which is the time I told her I'd be home. The final task of my work that day was to complete a foster home study that was due the next day. Rather than taking a break from the interview and calling Steph to tell her I would be late, I kept plowing through the material telling myself the sooner I finished, the sooner I could get home. I gave absolutely no thought to sacrifices Stephanie made planning and preparing the meal, nor did I consider her desire to display her love for me. The second I walked through the door–over an hour late–I could tell she was upset. Needless to say, the kiss and hug I received in the entryway hall was less than passionate. We went to the kitchen where the table had been meticulously set with our new dishes and silverware, and in the middle of it all—a cold meal. She asked, "Where have you been?" I replied, "I told you about the foster home study I had to do." "And you also told me that you would be home by 6 o'clock," she retorted. "I worked really hard to get supper on the table so that we could eat as soon as you got home." I snapped, "It's not like I was out having a good time; it just took longer than I expected." "You could've at least had the courtesy to call when you knew you were going to be late," she glowered. "I was doing everything I could to get home as quickly as possible," I told her. "I can't believe you'd treat me like this," she shouted. "I can't believe you'd treat ME like this," I shot back. The Never Ending "Sorry Fight" "Okay, I'm sorry I was late," I muttered. The moment that little "S" word slipped through my lips, the real fight began. "You're sorry all right! You're sorry you got caught, you're sorry I'm mad, you're sorry what this is going to cost you, you're just sorry your ass is grass..." In response I continued trying to pacify her by saying, "I mean it. I'm really sorry." To which she responded, "You're not sorry, you're just sorry that I'm mad. You're just sorry what this will cost you..." Then I got mad and yelled, "I really am sorry!" Then we'd start the cycle over again. "You're just sorry I'm mad!" "No, I am sorry!" On and on the battle would rage, trying to determine whether I was sorry and worthy of forgiveness. In retrospect that's the day we invented what we now call the "Sorry Fight." For the next five years I don't think there was ever a time when I'd say I was sorry that she ever agreed with me. Then in year six of our marriage I discovered the antidote to sorry fights—all I had to do was say I was wrong. While she had never agreed with me when I said I was sorry, there's not a single time she's ever disagreed with me when I said I was wrong. I discovered that I'd say I was sorry when Steph was upset even If I didn't think I was wrong just to end the fight faster; I wouldn't say I was wrong unless I believed it to be true. That's when I first realized my issue with conflict avoidance and how my lack of sincerity in my apologies wasn't making me very forgivable. Abandoning Our Mate When we betray our mate in big or small ways, we create a rift in the relationship. Obviously, the rift caused by minor offenses pale in comparison to the relational chasm created by infidelity. Infidelity–along with all other unloving behaviors–communicates to our mate that they don't matter to us, that we don't care about them, and that we're not going to be there for them. Unless our actions communicate that they do matter to us, that we do care, and that we are going to be there for them, it will be difficult for our mate to feel safe enough to reconcile. The offended party is the one who has to write off the debt created by a betrayal, but it's the unfaithful spouse who can provide the necessary conditions for that to happen. If you are the unfaithful spouse or the one who has caused the wound (this is also applicable to smaller offenses that might occur in a marriage), and you would like to reconcile, here are brief descriptions of the steps you can take to become forgivable and create the conditions that help your mate heal and reconnect with you. Becoming Forgivable: Step 1 Identify for yourself how your current beliefs about forgiveness prevent others from forgiving you. For example: You may mistakenly believe your mate has to forgive you. I personally believe that forgiveness is for your mate's sake and is in their best interest. By releasing the need for retribution, they set themselves free. Reconciliation, which many mistakenly believe to be the same as forgiveness, is optional and is typically based on whether the offending party is safe enough (forgivable). If you believe your mate has to reconcile with you, there's a good chance that belief is blocking what you want. Step 2 Be loving rather than codependent. Being forgivable requires emotional strength. You need to be able to be there for your mate–helping them heal–rather than beating yourself up with shame and self-contempt. Shame makes it all about you, and instead of helping your mate, they're burdened with having to take care of you. Shame is co-dependent and kills the appeal of being with you. Step 3 This is a big one: Take responsibility for what you've done. Don't talk about intentions, justifications, and/or minimizations. If you fail to take responsibility, your mate loses hope that you'll ever do what's necessary to keep this from happening again. Step 4 To the best of your ability, try to understand from your mate's perspective what your actions have cost them. Allow yourself to grieve for your mate's losses. Until your mate believes you are interested in understanding their pain, they won't feel they really matter to you or that you really care. Failure to see through their eyes makes it difficult to for your mate to let go and reconnect. Step 5 Make sincere and appropriate apologies to your mate. Notice I said apologies—plural. It's not a single event. There may well be a thousand consequences as a result of your choices and your mate has to work through and forgive each of those consequences. Continuing to express remorse and making amends as they go through the process lets them know you're grieved over what you've done to them and helps make you forgivable. Step 6 If you want to be forgivable, be willing to make restitutions. During the recovery process, consider their needs as more important than your own and do what's necessary to help them heal. For example: If your affair partner rode in your car, there's a good chance that is now a trigger for your mate. Do what's necessary to sell the car and make it safe for your mate to be with you. Step 7 Taking responsibility for your personal reform is critical if you want to be forgivable. If your mate can't see any effort on your part to make sure this never happens again it will be difficult for them to believe there's hope for a safe future with you. There are many ways to accomplish this including 12-step work, accountability partners, counseling, etc. We suggest Hope for Healing as a starting point. Step 8 Forgiveness is a process and takes time. Pressuring your mate to get over it doesn't make you forgivable; in fact it makes it far more difficult for your mate to reconcile with you. Be patient. Instead of asking if they'll please forgive you, which puts the burden on them to forgive, tell them you hope someday they can forgive you and that you'll do whatever you can to help them toward that end. In the next newsletter I'll be expanding on this concept of being forgivable. Forgiveness is essential for a relationship to find healing and new life. In the meantime, do what you know to do. Take steps toward reform. If you're the betrayed spouse, and missed our Hope Rising conference, we now have it available on demand! Watch Shelley Martinkus explain forgiveness more in-depth as a betrayed spouse and what that process looks like. Purchase On Demand Access Here! Try telling your mate they have all the time they need to heal, and try to understand what it must have been like to live with you. Taking any of those steps helps you become more forgivable. The easiest–and cheapest–way to start on this journey is to take our free First Steps Bootcamp. It's an online guide with 100+ pages of content and a full-length video of a mentor couple who was in as big of a mess as it can get. You'll take a big sigh of relief when you have a clear plan and learn that you're neither crazy nor alone in this journey, whichever side of the infidelity you find yourself on. This bootcamp can be completed alone or with your mate. Start the Free First Steps Bootcamp Now! Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: How to ForgiveRecovery FundamentalsSafety in RecoveryStrengthening MarriageRL_Media Type: Text
