Why Did They Choose the Affair Partner?

"What in the world attracted you to her? You're disgusting!" Sandy screamed.

Across town a similar conversation was going on between John and Margret.
"Are you kidding me?" John said in disbelief. "You're having an affair with an alcoholic who barely scrapes by? Do you really think he has the ability to support you? He only makes a tenth of what I earn." And yet another conversation: “Frank, how could you do this to me? She's 25 years younger than you! She's practically the same age as our daughter! What in the world could the two of you have in common?"

In past articles, I've addressed the justifications and motivations of those having affairs; this week, I'd like to tackle why the wayward spouse chooses the person they choose. What is it about that woman or that man that would cause someone to risk it all? Is it intentional or just chance? This topic could be an entire book, but hopefully I can help shed a little light for you on the topic.

The Missing 20%

I've always contended that people “affair-down,” if for no other reason than because it is an affair; it's not real. Even if they believe they've found someone who does a better job of meeting their needs than their mate, it simply isn't true. Their mate probably incorporates 80% of what they want and need, but their AP might possess the missing 20%. Why would someone trade the 80% for the 20%? In the moment, satisfying the longing created by the missing 20% seems like a good idea.

If two thirds of all marital problems are unsolvable, it's impossible for one person to meet all your needs. No amount of searching for the right person will ever yield the perfect match. Unrealistic expectations are a core issue when it comes to this degree of marital dissatisfaction, which may then lead one to search for someone who has the missing 20%. Take the example of John and Margret above. John is a steady, stable guy who provides for his family. His wife chose an AP who was just plain fun. She was chasing the 20% that she believed was missing from her marriage.

Seduction

Many won't like hearing this but, at times, the AP simply knows the right words to say. There are some "experienced APs" who've had serial affairs and are constantly trolling for their next victim. They are constantly casting a lure in the water to see if anyone will take the bait. That isn't an excuse, but if your spouse is insecure by nature, they are vulnerable to the person who knows how to say the right things to make them feel special. The person who takes the bait isn't a victim, they volunteer, but they do so because of how that person makes them feel. Leslie Hardie, the author of our Harboring Hope course, says "If you meet someone who always knows how to say just the right thing, run away as fast as you can." Someone that slick has had lots of practice.

Past History

Many affair partners are chosen out of past history. It turns out the attachments we form prior to marriage still exist at some level. When we reconnect with those individuals, rekindling past attachments is easy. The reasons why that relationship went by the wayside are long forgotten and the nostalgic feelings associated with days gone by make having an affair with that person simple.

Excessive Time and Familiarity

Many affair partners are chosen because of attachments created due to excessive time spent together in a shared activity that is absent of their mate. Online gaming, shared projects at work, serving together at church, or recreational sports might drive the affair. When time spent with another exceeds time spent with their spouse, choosing to connect with this individual can seem natural.

Authority Abuse

At times, the AP is chosen out of “magical thinking.” Mentors, pastors, therapists, teachers, and other authority figures are often chosen in this scenario. The respect and trust placed in this individual, as well as the hope generated by what they represent causes the potential AP to overvalue the relationship and an attachment is created. Magical thinking on the authority figure's part allows them to distort their mentee's respect and admiration and, through an abuse of their role as an authority figure, they take advantage of the mentee. This is called "authority abuse" and can be a criminal offense. In this instance, the AP chooses their victim.

Trauma Bonds

Past abuse can also drive how the AP is chosen. If there is unprocessed abuse in your spouse's past, they can be vulnerable to someone who treats them the same way as their original perpetrator. Choosing this type of AP is particularly confusing for the betrayed spouse because they can see the abuse and it makes no sense why their mate would hook up with an abusive person. In reality, the trauma bond compels them to choose someone with whom they can reenact the abuse.

Envy

Some choose their affair partner out of envy. They are drawn to characteristics in that person that they envy. Magical thinking causes them to believe that somehow connecting with that person allows them to possess those qualities. They tell themselves that being with that person somehow soothes the places where they feel inadequate. They think the AP makes them a better person.

Common History

There are times the AP is chosen out of common history or common circumstances. For instance, in cross-cultural marriages, an AP from their country of origin may give them the feeling of being understood. This can happen if two people grew up poor and felt ostracized, if both are children of alcoholics, or countless other "connections" they may find. The perception that this person “understands them” can draw them to the relationship.

Misery Loves Company

If the husband or wife begins commiserating with the AP about their miserable marriages, the validation they receive from telling the other person creates the bond for the affair. What's sad is this process causes them to focus only on the negatives in the marriage in order to justify the validation they are receiving from the AP.

The Willing Partner

Some individuals, as a result of sexual addiction – or because they've given themselves permission to stray for whatever reason – are looking for anyone willing to have an affair. Once they locate someone willing to interact with them, that person becomes the AP. The qualities they are looking for determine who that might be. For instance, if they just want sex, then they will hook up with someone who also wants to avoid attachments. Many relationships created on dating websites fall into this category.

Midlife Crisis

Those in a midlife crisis typically choose an AP who can help them feel young again. They are likely to choose someone who is 20 years younger than them. It's the youth and beauty of a person that makes them feel young again that drives their choice. They often are willing to be with someone much older as well.

This is not an exhaustive list and, as I said earlier, none of the above-mentioned items are excuses for having an affair! I do hope, however, that these descriptions provide some insight as to what commonly drives the choices made by wayward spouses. If you are the betrayed spouse and want help discerning and processing in a healthy manner why your partner had an affair, consider Harboring Hope. We'll walk though how you got here and help you learn how to take care of yourself in your recovery journey.