Why Did They Cheat? Part 2: Entrapped or Enchanted Series: Why Did they Cheat? The Role of Oxytocin Entrapped or Enchanted? Do They Have an Addiction? The Problem With Addictions Cover more ground faster with the life-changing experience of EMS Weekend for couples. This isn't another light-and-fluffy program that only scratches the surface of your pain. The EMS Weekend Experience is a safe space for you and your partner to start putting the pieces of your life back together, transform your trauma and begin healing from infidelity. Skeptical about the effectiveness of this experience? Don't be! Backed by a slew of previous participant testimonials, EMS Weekend delivers results month after month for countless couples. During EMS Weekend, we won't shame the unfaithful spouse nor blame the betrayed spouse. What we will do is pair you with a small community of other couples and an expert therapist — all of whom have experienced infidelity firsthand — as well as provide comprehensive resources to help you kick-start your healing journey. Sign Up Now! "I love you, I'm just not in love with you." It's one of the most devastating statements a spouse can make to their mate. The reasoning behind the statement is not only flawed, but it's coming from an irrational state of mind. I hear this statement so often, I felt the need to explain what your spouse is referring to when they mention being "in love" (spoiler: it's not love at all) and dissect what they're really saying. Remember that feeling of falling in love? We feel renewed and invigorated. The volume control on all our senses is cranked to high. Smells, music, colors, tastes and even textures take on new dimensions. The theater of our mind plays only one film, that of being with our eternal source of life. Simultaneously, a heartfelt ache consumes our soul when separated from what we know is our source of true happiness. In this state, hope springs eternal. As a caterpillar is transformed to a butterfly, we too are transformed and with new wings as we soar into a fresh newness of life. What are the magic elements of this elixir of life? There are three neurotransmitters primarily responsible for the natural high of "love": serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. Serotonin Serotonin is the neurotransmitter believed to be responsible for mood stabilization, appetite, sleep, motivation, social behavior, memory, and sexual desire and function. Some researchers believe that low levels of serotonin are responsible for conditions such as depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive thought. On a day to day basis, how we function seems to be largely determined by serotonin levels. Dopamine The initial excitement created by testosterone and estrogen triggers the release of dopamine. Dopamine is the primary player in what's known as the reward/pleasure centers of our brain, and it's this brain chemical (along with norepinephrine, more on that later) that creates the incredible high we experience when we fall in love. Creating an amazing high is not dopamine's only function. It also spots activities that bring intense pleasure and creates an intense drive to experience that same pleasure again and again. Research shows that the intense feelings generated by the high-arousal state of an extramarital affair are the byproduct of the release of dopamine, which then labels that experience as pleasurable and creates a habit loop to ensure that we'll repeat the routine that is necessary in order to achieve the "reward" of that pleasurable experience. Long after an affair ends, that habit loop can be triggered, and the urge to repeat that routine in order to experience that reward can still occur. In no way does that mean relapse is imminent, but it takes time for the intensity of these memories to fade and to lose the desirability programmed by the dopamine.1 So, dopamine is the messenger telling us what feels good, but other research suggests that it creates an intense need, similar to a drug addiction, which tells the brain you must have that pleasurable experience to survive. The more intense the emotional experience, the stronger the drive to recreate that experience for our very survival. This explains why individuals involved in high arousal relationships become so oblivious to the damage being done to those they love and to themselves.2 It's Like A Drug Remember, I'm not making excuses for those who've been unfaithful. These are the same chemical reactions cocaine addicts and alcoholics face when coming off their drug of choice. My purpose in explaining the chemical realities of infidelity is to inform those involved in high arousal relationships that what they're feeling isn't love. It's a series of intense and intoxicating chemical reactions in the limbic system of our brains, and it's only going to last for so long before it progresses to a different kind of experience. My second purpose is to inform betrayed spouses on the kind of dysfunction your mate is experiencing. Not in order to excuse it, but in order to relieve you of any illusion of comparing yourself to their affair partner. That would be like saying to an alcoholic, "Why can't I make you feel as good as liquor makes you feel?" It's apples to oranges. Norepinephrine (adrenaline) The third neurotransmitter, norepinephrine, is the final contributor to what we call "being in love." Norepinephrine, also known as adrenaline, is the excitatory neurotransmitter. It causes us to experience heightened sensations. It's the chemical that makes life seem more vibrant, even though nothing really changed but the level of norepinephrine flowing down the nerve cells to the parts of our brain that create those heightened sensations. It's norepinephrine that creates the rush you feel when scared or excited. If you think about it, it's the same rush you felt with your first kiss. That rush of excitement and emotions does not mean it's love, it's just norepinephrine. At this point in the unfaithful spouse's chemical reality, their ability to discern what is real from what is fantasy is highly skewed and they are probably feeling hooked by the intensity of emotions. Jumper Cables With the foundation laid, we can now begin talking about the forces behind high-arousal relationships. To jump-start a car, there has to be an additional source of power flowing through the electrical system. In the same way, high-arousal relationships receive a jump-start from the hormones that are released when they find someone with the qualities they're drawn to. That initial jump-start creates the amazing cascade of neurotransmitters. As the dopamine and norepinephrine increase, the person caught in the web of these feelings begins to feel alive in ways they haven't for years. Increased levels of norepinephrine light up senses that seemed to have been lost forever. Increased levels of dopamine trigger intense emotions they most likely haven't experienced since adolescence. Not only that, but a habit loop is created to cause them to continually pursue that intense emotion. It also informs the more primitive parts of the brain that it is as important to pay attention to this as it is to breathing, because their brain now believes they need this in order to survive. One would think that with the euphoria created by the increased levels of dopamine and norepinephrine, serotonin levels would also increase since serotonin is responsible for happiness. Surprisingly, the opposite is true. The euphoria this person is experiencing has nothing to do with happiness or finding their soul mate, but rather an intense chemical high. The stress created by higher levels of dopamine interfere with the brain's ability to absorb serotonin resulting in increased obsessiveness, making it even more difficult for the person caught in this web to extricate themselves from the situation. Additionally, with lowered serotonin levels, if the high-arousal relationship is terminated, or if the dopamine runs its course and stops providing the desired high, depression is sure to follow. Suggestions for Betrayed Spouses "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." That statement embodies the high-arousal state created by the chemical cocktail we've been discussing. Trying to talk sense to someone in this state is nearly impossible, because they're not concerned with what makes sense. There's a good chance they already know it's crazy, and they can't even convince themselves to stop. Remember, they feel they can't survive without the one they believe is bringing them this newfound life. It's hard for them to see that the opposite is actually true. Most likely, they are willing to sacrifice everything to keep from losing their new high. It's imperative at this stage of such chemical entanglement that we are strategic in the approach taken towards sobering up the unfaithful spouse. One size does not fit all, and we can't simply bonk them on the head in hopes that they wake up. Freedom is possible, but it will take a process-oriented approach to unlock the truth and help them disentangle. Yes, There Is Hope It's possible to break free from this type of relationship, but it's every bit as difficult as an alcoholic getting sober. You have to be willing to do whatever it takes. It will probably never be something you feel like doing without some sort of expert, third party support system. Breaking free requires cutting off the relationship with the other person, getting into a safe and objective recovery support system, and allowing the intensity of the chemical reaction to fade. Our EMS Online course can start the process and pave the way to long-term healing and relapse prevention. If you'd like to know more about this course or the process we use to help couples heal, please call 888-527-2367 or email us. The easiest–and cheapest–way to start on this journey is to take our free First Steps Bootcamp. It's an online guide with 100+ pages of content and a full-length video of a mentor couple who was in as big of a mess as it can get. You'll take a big sigh of relief when you have a clear plan and learn that you're neither crazy nor alone in this journey, whichever side of the infidelity you find yourself on. Start the Free First Steps Bootcamp Now! Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: For The Hurt SpouseFor the Unfaithful SpouseWhy They Did ItRL_Media Type: Text
