Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery

Why Couples Fail After an Affair | Part 1 - Not Knowing What Happened

Why Couples Fail After an Affair: A Four Part Series

Part 1: Not Knowing What Happened
Part 2: Not Getting It
Part 3: Denying Your Reality
Part 4: Failure to Grieve

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"What's left in darkness is under the power and control of that very same darkness"

Anonymous

How to Practically Obliterate Any Opportunity for Restoration

When a spouse is kept in the dark regarding the details of their spouse's affair, it's similar to feeling trapped in darkness, trying to find their way out. People naturally try to understand the events of their life. Until we are able to make sense of these events, a part of us continues trying to solve the mystery. If a spouse withholds information regarding their secret life, how long do you think someone who's been devastated by betrayal will spend trying to find the answer to their questions?

Solving this mystery is a key factor for success in re-establishing trust and surviving infidelity.

Without understanding what has happened, there is no way for the betrayed spouse to assess the level of damage and the probability of future success. Until the unfaithful spouse extends trust to their mate by sharing what happened, it is difficult for the betrayed spouse to rebuild trust. People are more than capable of getting over a betrayal, but continued deception leaves no path for trust and obliterates the opportunity for restoration.

A Coherent Story: How To Calm Emotional 'Flooding'

A substantial difficulty for couples recovering from infidelity is the emotional flooding created by the trauma after an affair. Infidelity creates a pain like no other, and difficulty regulating the ensuing emotions is not only common but to be expected. Emotional regulation and stability are created through what is called a coherent story. Up until the point where "what has happened" makes sense to the betrayed spouse, emotions run rampant, confusion rules the day, and the heart of the betrayed remains frayed. Understanding what happened provides a safe foundation on which they can eventually begin to rebuild. (Please keep in mind, this step in the process takes a significant amount of time and cannot be rushed). Empathy from the unfaithful spouse (which we'll address in a moment) is necessary to encourage healing.

affair-recovery_to-move-forward-couples-need-to-come-to-an-understanding-of-their-story

To move forward, couples need to come to a common understanding of their history. Regardless of the type of infidelity (e.g., emotional affair, one-night stand, pornography addiction, etc.), the story of what has happened needs to make sense to both husband and wife. As I work with couples who are stuck, not knowing what happened seems to be the number one culprit.

I appreciate the work done by the late Peggy Vaughan in her e-book Help for Therapists (and their Clients).

She hypothesized: A couple is more likely to stay married after an affair when they thoroughly discuss the whole situation.

55% of those who discussed the situation very little were still married (living together).

78% of those who discussed the situation a good bit were still married (and living together).

86% of those who discussed the situation a lot were still married (and living together).

She concluded that the amount the affair was discussed with the betrayed partner was significantly associated with present marital status.

A second hypothesis stated: A couple is more likely to stay married when the unfaithful spouse answers the questions of the betrayed spouse.

59% of those whose partner refused to answer questions were still married (and living together).

81% of those whose partner answered some of their questions were still married (and living together).

86% of those whose partners answered all their questions were still married (and living together).

She concluded that the extent to which the partner answered questions was significantly associated with present marital status. Understanding what occurred allows both parties to rally around solutions.

Combating Self-Deception

Not only does the hurt spouse have a need to know what happened, that need is just as great for those who were unfaithful. Speaking from personal experience, I can attest to the benefit I received from discussing the events of my infidelity. There is a strong tendency to be self-deceived when facing a side of ourselves that we'd rather keep in the dark. When we feel shame, we betray ourselves as well as others. Exposing what has happened has a unique way of providing clarity, not only for one's mate but also for those of us who've been unfaithful.

After my affair ended, I was not capable of thinking clearly and, consequently, I made many poor decisions. It wasn't just my mate discovering what happened; I also began to understand things I had not seen. Though it is a process, it was a necessary step in my own safety and healing journey.

When Is Enough Detail, Enough Detail?

At the same time, knowing what happened isn't the same as knowing every detail about everything that happened. Too much detail creates additional problems with intrusive thoughts. The betrayed partner might want to know what happened, where it happened, how often it happened, if there are potential health risks, and when it began and ended, and they have a right to this information. Questions comparing themselves to the affair partner, however, serve little or no benefit.

Comparison questions ultimately create intrusive thoughts and complicate the healing process. While it is enticing to ask these questions, too much information only creates more reminders and more triggers.

For those who want to help their mate feel safe and heal by sharing their story, here are some words of advice.

  • Begin by asking your mate if he or she wants to know. If the answer is yes, then tell them the story. I find that carefully telling the story from beginning to end is the best way to relay the information. Far too often, the story is told piecemeal, i.e., drip-feeding or trickle-truth, as the betrayed partner asks questions and the unfaithful partner tries to answer. This, unfortunately, starts the clock over every time new information is brought to the surface.
  • When you finish telling the story, please don't say, "That's everything." You're far better off realizing that you've told everything you remember at that moment, but there's always the possibility that other memories will come to mind and/or your mate may not have heard everything and will later be devastated if more information comes to light. Tell them that you're committed to honestly answering their questions and exploring what happened.
  • Oftentimes, in the disclosure process, an unfaithful partner will resort to, "I don't remember,” when the truth is that they may not want to share the information as they are convinced that if the betrayed knows the details, they are done and gone. Other times, they genuinely may not remember the information and may need time and even help to remember what transpired. However, "I don't remember," is not the best answer—even when it’s truthful. A better answer may be, "I don't remember the exact information right now, but I'm committed to getting the right help and the right process in place so that I can remember the details. I also commit to sharing any and all information I do remember as we get immediate help to start this healing process."
  • Ask what author Esther Perel, MA, LMFT, calls Investigative Questions, especially if your mate says they can't remember. Not being able to remember certain answers won't prevent them from answering the questions below, and it will create the opportunity for the unfaithful spouse to share what they are feeling. You can read a full list of these questions here: Esther Perel's Investigative Questions for Couples Experiencing Infidelity. I've posted just a few below:
    1. What did the affair mean to you?
    2. Did you feel entitled to your affair?
    3. Why do you think you could not express your needs to me: emotional, intellectual or sexual?
    4. Did you ever get to a point where you felt you were losing yourself or felt torn and confused?
    5. Did you ever worry that your affair would destroy our relationship?
    6. What was it like for you to lie?
    7. Do you think I have a say in it?
    8. Did you want to leave me or was the affair just an addition to us?

A word of caution, the WHY will be much more difficult for both of you than the WHAT. Therefore, we've written a series called Why Did They Cheat?. As you are working through why the infidelity happened, it is important to remember the necessity of safety in the recovery process. For the betrayed party to feel safe, there must be signs of genuine empathy. Without truly working to understand the depth of your mate's pain, all attempts at reconnecting will appear hollow or self-serving.


Rebuilding trust after such a heavy blow will never be easy, but the good news is you don't have to have trust to rebuild a relationship. In the meantime, you can replace trust with a whole lot of honesty and a whole lot of empathy.

Unfaithful partners, these two gestures will go further than you may realize to soothe the deep soul-wound that infidelity has inflicted on your mate. If you are not sure where to start or how to develop empathy, please consider joining a group in Hope for Healing, our course for unfaithful partners. You'll be in a safe, encouraging atmosphere with a group leader and several other unfaithful partners who will walk the 17-week journey with you. There is hope for healing!

Hope for Healing Registration Soon! Space Is Limited!

Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives.

"I just finished Hope for Healing and am proud of the changes that I already feel in myself and my marriage. I found Affair Recovery when I was at the darkest point in my life, and this course has helped me to get myself on a true path to recovery." - S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant.

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  1. Vaughan, Peggy. Help for Therapist and their Clients: Report of Survey on Extramarital Affairs. Dear Peggy. n.d. Web. 07 July 2014.

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Comments

He is lying

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on

I caught my husband in so many lies it would make your head spin. The only time he ever admitted guilt is when I caught him red handed. And even then, he still tried to lie. Your gut knows even when you don't. When you're married , spiritually you become one flesh before God and that means something. it means when you know you know. And you know

Memo to the Unfaithful

Submitted by Anonymous on

If you are reading this then read all the other replies as well.
Do you see a common thread here?
If we are still in the picture you should get down on your knees and thank God for our kindness.
Take us by the hand sit us down and tell us EVERYTHING.
Don't make us ask and ask and ask until we ask the right question.
Don't make us wait while you decide to dole out your responses.
Don't lie to us that you don't remember.
You lied to us over and over so you could be with that other person and if you want us back in your life then give us the respect we deserve and tell us what happened.
This makes me so angry and your unco-operative attitudes is what keeps us in this hell you have created.
For once stand up and be a man, (or women if that is the case).
You want us back be the better person we deserve!
A honest open and loving person.
Please quit abusing us and start being the person we deserve.
Above all remember you have no right to waste a second of our lives and you are very lucky we are even still here.
My heart and prayers go out to all of you who have been cheated on.

This!

Submitted by Another betraye... (not verified) on

This is the best memo to cheating partners I had read in a long time.

Infidelity

Submitted by Craig (not verified) on

I felt I needed to respond to your comment, as a man who cheated on my wife in year 12 of our marriage, I think I can speak to your comment. First off I don’t know you or what happened let alone how recent it had been but I can tell you when you say that we should get down on our knees and thank you for still being there, that’s not an attitude that will help you reconcile your marriage. My wife and I were able to repair our marriage and have now been married for 35 years and we have more love for each other than we ever did. I never blamed her for my affair it was my choice and I excepted the responsibility. During the time of my affair my wife turned to another man for comfort, she felt all the emotions that the rest of you feel and another man preyed on here and she fell for it as I made her feel horrible. I also took responsibility for her affair as if I hadn’t been doing what I was doing she would never have been in his arms. Part of what I think helped us was when we first started to talk she made a statement through tears that she wouldn’t except responsibility for my actions but she excepted her role in helping me get to the place where I said yes to someone else. To be honest, that helped me to be honest with her and I truly felt she meant what she said. That allowed us to talk freely and honestly, they were hard conversations, I truly love my wife with all my heart, I know your thinking he couldn’t love her because if he did he wouldn’t have done it. Sometimes our own hurt is difficult to discuss even with the one you love most, in part because they are the ones causing us pain, the truth is that they don’t know they are doing it. My wife asked me why I didn’t come talk to her about the problems and how I felt before I made the decision to go outside our marriage? I did try and talk to her but men a lot of times have a hard time communicating what the real problem is. So I would tell her and nothing would change so I interpreted it as she really didn’t care. I think the problem in most marriages is men and woman don’t truly know how to communicate to one another. Those of us that have had affairs never get away Scott free we harder guilt and a lot of regret for hurting someone we love the most, I’m not asking for sympathy, it’s my penance and I’ll gladly pay it for what I did. When you ask your husband why he did it and he says he doesn’t know why, he’s more than likely telling you the truth we have a hard time looking at feelings and understanding our action. Reconciling our marriages is entirely possible and creating an even stronger love and bond is as well but it takes patience and a willingness to open up and reveal our feelings, for men if we do that we feel we’re being perceived as being weak. It’s hard after an affair to talk with love but I sat down and trout about what drew me to my wife, all the good things and as we talked I made it clear in my head that that woman was the one I needed to be speaking with not the woman I was harboring bad feeling for. If you had an affair you need to be 100% honest with her or him, your not going to hurt her anymore she is already broken. This is the point where you can turn things around, telling your spouse to get over it is a good way to hear the words ( you have been served). Both sides need to respond with love not defensiveness. You can do it, we did.

Stuck

Submitted by Anonymous on

This is a well written article and explains just how I feel stuck with the lack of information that my husband is giving. After 3 separate occasions catching him in lies and questionable circumstances/relationships with other women, he swears NOW he is a changed man, that from here on he will think different,y and behave differently. To him just saying he was wrong, saying sorry and answering questions (with lies and half truths) should be enough for me to get over it and move on. I know he hasn't been honest, he has given me no detail in regards to timeline, the person, how they came to be etc. he thinks it's enough to give a 'fake' name and that's it. Now he will argue that he is doing his best to prove to me he wants to save the marriage but won't relent and give me the information I need to know. Why do I need to know? I need to know his frame of mind, who the high risk women in his life are, how long he was involved and how deeply. Instead of full disclosure I have resorted to playing PI and reveal information that is disturbing. He says no matter what he says I won't believe him anyway, that I expect him to tell me what I want to hear. Really? But we both know he did! So fed up with lies and secrets.

So True

Submitted by Ssrs (not verified) on

You wrote every word as it was mine. This is my circumstance to the T!!! Thank you for putting it into words

From The Cheater

Submitted by leanne on

I am the cheating spouse.

I had a three month affair and when my affair had ended I made the same mistakes it seems that all of you are suffering. It's been over a year since my affair ended and my wife still feels that there are still holes and gaps to be filled.

I'll start from the beginning

My job requires me to go to the homes of others whether male or female. So this is how it happened and I am not going to tell anyone what I do for a living. So I met my AP at her home. I want to say that It was about a week later when she had called me while I was at the grocery store and she was asking me to go dancing with her the following evening. I told her that I don't dance, (1st mistake), "I should have hug up", "I should have told my wife what just happened", and when I was going to checkout she asked me If I was married and I said yes I am. So you think It would have ended there, "right". I'm not sure exactly when the next call came from her it may have been within a few days or so but when she called me the next time she had asked me to go to an art party with her. I didn't respond by saying yes or no but when I went home I had asked my wife If she would like to go to an art party that I was invited to and right now I wish she would have said yes. Please keep in mind that I am not blaming my wife for the poor choice that "I" made when "I" gave myself the permission to start seeing another woman.

I called my AP and said yes I would like to go and meet her. My AP asked me to help her bring some things to the building a week prior to this party. So this would have been on a Friday, the party wasn't until the following Friday and Saturday evenings. When I was with her the 1st evening she wanted me to go downtown with her to another function so I agreed but before I needed to get something to eat so we went to Applebees and she had a drink while I grabbed something light. Then we went downtown and I paid for both of us to get into the function. I was constantly looking around for people that I might know or my wife knew and I can personally say that it was very stressful. I stayed for about 1/2 an hour to 1 hour, I'm not sure because I left my phone inside my vehicle. "We both drove separate".

Before I left she asked me to meet her next week at another place downtown. I think we met on a Tuesday and Wednesday evening at a certain bar/restaurant. My AP was busy that week because she had a lot of things to prepare for this event that was just in a few days. I went to the Art Party Friday evening but I didn't enjoy the atmosphere and I wasn't having fun. I was stressed out because I didn't belong there and felt guilty because I was with another woman who was not my wife. So I told my AP I didn't feel good and then I went home. "Oh, by the way some of you may ask, "what was I telling my wife before I left". (Every time I left I told my wife that I was going to work), yes I lied.

The next time I was with my AP would have been on Sunday afternoon, which was the following day after the art party. (Art party was Friday and Saturday). We didn't go anywhere just stayed at her house for an hour before I went home. We discussed going to the shooting range the following Saturday. So my AP and I set up the day to meet and I went to her home that morning and I picked her up and we spent at least 1/2 the day together. I don't remember everything we talked about but we probably had discussions about our two very different lives, family's and how much fun we were having with each other. "Maybe to some of you that sounds kind of lame", but It's very difficult to remember "exactly" what was said. I think more of it is just bringing out facts of what happened because for me their were many times I met with my AP and I know we talked privately but I can only mostly remember the topics of our conversations rather than exactly how I responded or how my AP responded.

We met many times again and again and we talked by phone and text. Since I wasn't sleeping with my wife and had not been even before my affair it gave me time to both respond and engage. Just so some of you may understand how in the world is he doing this and covering it up.

Ok, I don't want to make this so long that all of you and Rick if he reads this gets disinterested so I am going to make this a little shorter.

There was a evening that my AP sent me a text and she had asked me to meet her. It was maybe 11PM. So I told her to find me out on the road which was about 100 Yds. away from my home. So I threw on my headphones and went for a walk. My AP and I went for a drive and then parked, I'm not going through any further details but I can tell you that this happened two times. Then one evening I told my wife that I had to be on a job at 3AM and that's when I went to her home and this happened during the work week not on a weekend and I did this more than one time.

We still went out many times after and met at several different places of my AP's choice. My AP had her own business and was always telling me that she never had any money. Several times she would continue on asking me to help her fund her business for her office employees expense. I always responded by telling her that I wanted to see her books so I could see what she was doing. I never supplied her any money for her business but I did pay every time we were out.

When my wife discovered.

I was with my AP one evening and it was around 11PM when I was on my way home. My wife called when I was driving. My wife said she knew everything. I said about what, and she said she found out about my affair. I told my wife I was driving home and I would talk when I was there. Then my AP calls me and she said your wife knows about us. So know overdrive kicks in and panic mode, damage control, anger, guilt, shame and now I had to come and face my wife. The only thing, there was no reality, none. I didn't even know what I was going to tell her, no plan, nothing.

I walked into a area where we always sit outside and there she was. I think she was smiling but I could feel her tense. So I think she was smiling with anger. So I sat in a chair next to her and denied my affair. Knowing me, I probably told my wife that I was tired and wanted to go to sleep and why can't we just talk about this in the morning. I don't know but I think we had a conversation and I think I told her that my AP and I were going to get married. I don't know what else was said that evening but I think I wore the same smile of anger, only mine was from getting caught.

My wife told me that she wanted me out. She didn't want me here. So I said I would leave but I needed to find a place to go. (Saturday evening was discovery and I moved out on Monday. I didn't move to my AP's home but I did go to a friends and then to my Mom and Dads as they were leaving for several months.

My wife and I didn't talk for a day or two except for she asking me to get the rest of my things out. I also talked with my Dad but the only advise he had to give me was, "you know, I never loved your mother". Instead of telling me, "Son what the heck did you just do, you just destroyed your family and your son and now you need to do anything to get them back. I wish he would have said something.

I'm leaving a lot out of this but I will say that I went back about a week later. Yes I was no longer with my AP but some text messages were back and forth and finally ended.

Mistakes I made were not telling my wife everything. But I didn't know all of the rules. She knew about the sex but not our conversations about what we talked about. I think it took me about two months. Then the dribbling started. Then 6 months I was still dribbling. Then 10 months, still dribbling. 12 months, still dribbling.

I don't mean this to sound this way. Sometimes I feel that my wife is looking for this smoking gun. This specific piece of information that will suddenly be able to help her heal. I feel like I'm the star wide receiver but I keep on dropping the pass in front of a stadium of 50,000 people and the crowd is booing and yelling for the coach to yank me from the game and put in a player that is more consistent and competent.

I love my wife with all of my heart and I love my only son with all of my heart. I want my wife to heal and I want trust again. I want our marriage to be this wonderful thing between us to be so exclusive to think that nobody has the bond like we do.

My wife knows the timeline of events. She knows the where and how many times and I think she knows why but I'm not sure. But for some reason she believes she doesn't have all of the information. Believe me I have had a bomb of information dumbed on her all at one time and more.

My affair was for three months and I regret every single moment I was talking, texting or spending time with my AP.

What the heck am I doing wrong. My wife is struggling every single day and I am running out of ideas and ways to help her.

I love my wife and she truly means everything to me.

Bob

Bob, are you still out there?

Submitted by vkrinehart on

Bob, are you still out there? I see your post is from 4 years ago. Where is your story at now?

Online affair

Submitted by christinec (not verified) on

I am told it all started so innocently, just chatting on skype, "how amazing is it to talk to someone clear around the world". Then she asked if he had ever had skype sex, he says he said no. The "affair" went on for 6 months, 3+ contacts a week, or more - oh, except when his kids came to visit, but went right back when they left. Why wasn't I important enough not to start in the first place, and certainly why if he would stop for his girls being here, (obviously he knows this is wrong), but went right back for 3 more months.
I'm being told "it wasn't real, it wasn't like we were ever going to meet", then my favorite "I don't know, she just kept contacting me". Took him another 3 weeks after being busted to finally take down his google+ & skype accounts. 5 months after his being caught I am not sure its really over as I found out just yesterday in therapy that he was able to stop the behavior for his kids but not me. Now what.

Rick, I am so very grateful

Submitted by Diane on

Rick, I am so very grateful for your emails and the info you provide. It has helped me tremendously as my husband of 20 years has abandoned me and our children for his affair partner and I am truly healing on my own. Since he was completely unwilling to discuss a thing when the affair was discovered and we've had almost no contact since he left 18 months ago, it is in part by these emails and your website that I am able to find peace and understanding. God Bless You and Stephanie!

Empathy ? My husband has borderline Aspergers

Submitted by healing17 on

My D-day was January 12th 2017, and so far my husband has not been able to make me feel safe and be empathetic with me. His counselor who is a CSAT just discovered that my husband has borderline Aspergers. Does anyone have experience with this ?? I want to save my marriage but I don't know ???

Asbergers

Submitted by Kathryn on

I see your comments from 3 yrs ago. I’m in the same place. He was diagnosed with asbergers. Now what?
Did you find help for your situation.

You Feel Like You Are Going Crazy

Submitted by Anonymous on

17 months from DDay (or so); 13 months (or so) since he officially ended it with the AP. When a spouse withholds information or goes to the over-done "I can't remember" statement over and over.... it makes the betrayed spouse feel like she or he is going nuts. Just that the affair happened is crazy-making but once we've hit the rock bottom of discovery, there's so many more layers of hurt and pain to come... it's like a free fall through all with thought was true about our lives, our marriages, our family, our identities and now isn't. The cheating spouse can help by being honest, full disclosure as much as possible, being humble and performing acts of humility to help restore their betrayed spouse's belief in their bond. I appreciate that you say here that there doesn't actually have to be trust to rebuild at the start. And how can there by trust again so fast? It took years of marriage to build that trust and bond and deep layers of love; it took just hours of flirting texts, sexets and then just a few hours of screwing the AP to undo it all. None of this - the repair - is easy and fast process. But the whole thing just makes me feel so deeply insecure about myself. Was our marriage perfect? No. Are any? Most likely not. But going outside the marriage to fix something in it is the deepest form of betrayal. Can't people just be adults and treat their spouse like they would the good friend they are supposed to be and end it cleanly (no matter how hard) before turning to another? As difficult as my own parent's divorce was, neither betrayed the other thru affairs. An affair is such a childish, mean and cruel act; I don't care if it was "not all about me"... the fallout of it coming to light seems to have affected me and my self esteem and how I feel about myself as a woman, wife, and mom (even daughter, sister and friend) way, way more than it's affected my spouse. He seems pretty ok w/himself as a man, son, father, brother, etc... .post all of it coming out. Yes, he has remorse but he seems pretty self satisfied w/himself too. Why wouldn't he? He got away w/courting, flirting with and secretly romancing and then having sex w/someone not his spouse - for almost two years. What a "fun" little game they played with each other and with my heart and with our family's well being. And all while I continued to raise his kids, help them through their own problems/crisis and supported his career. The cheating spouse not coming cleaning, holding back information and parsing out the facts seem like more ways of being betrayed and more protection of the AP than our hearts; it feels like the betrayed spouse's feelings come second to maintaining the cheater's dignity and the AP's privacy. It's all so sordid and mean and such clear bullying behavior. I think that both the cheating spouse and AP must get off on it... being jerks to the betrayed spouse(s). It's part of the thrill it seems, whether or not they want to admit to themselves or each other. And if I have to hear one more time that he didn't INTEND to hurt me... I'm gonna lose it. What fully functioning adult over 40 doesn't get their their actions have both healing and hurtful potential? How could he think so little of me and our marriage and our family to not even stop once to think - he had to be setting off a chain reaction of hurt for all involved for years and maybe even decades to come. The research on children, teen and young adult children who have a cheating parent is staggering in its fall out for their own adult lives in romantic and committed relationships and the news is NOT good at all. So before you cheat, as yourself what your own reaction would be to knowing your spouse stepped out on you? And don't pretend or lie to yourself that you'd be ok with it or it was nothing personal because you know it's a lie to yourself. You'd be just as devastated and diminished as everyone writing here who has been betrayed and is trying to scrap the pieces of their heart together and restore their sense of selfhood post your stupid and selfish act. Answer the questions they have about your affair and try, try to be a person of integrity and a man or woman of the same values and vows you professed the day you got married to. Think of yourself on that day - think of your spouse on that day or the day you decided you wanted this person in your life for the rest of your life.... then ask yourself what THAT person - your old self would say to the person you are now who cheated on that same wife or husband. If you need to go barf or sob yourself to sleep for a few weeks or months, you are on the right track of remorse and change and transformation. Don't make your betrayed spouse do all the work and research and planning of the healing and recovery of a possibly new marriage. Get off your lazy butt (for what is cheating but sheer laziness about the work marriage takes???) and get to work doing the work and patience and work and fortitude of change in yourself and restoration of your spouse's faith in you and in your marriage. Got it - you were lazy and went the easy, sloppy seconds path instead of the path of integrity, work and beautiful trust in what you could do with the power of love. You gave up on love. You gave up on your spouse, on your marriage and your family - yes, all imperfect and also all yours in a way you will now have to work two and three-fold to get back. If you ever do. Everyone is changed by what you did - don't kid yourself. Go look and the mirror and admit that truth to yourself. You changed it - not your wife, not your children, not your marriage's history, not your inlaws, not your work or lack of work, not your friends, not even your AP... you did. Now grow up and fix it.

I feel it too...

Submitted by Missmee (not verified) on

I love this. Every single word. Couldn't be truer. Now a year post D-day and I'm pretty sure my spouse is still not ready to face the full extent of his actions, which is why he's not willing or able to get to full disclosure. And I'm tired of asking, but I can't have it swept under the rug. Ignored feelings always come back with a vengeance.

You feel like you are going crazy

Submitted by unfaithful on

AMEN!!!!

You are so right! I totally

Submitted by debaw on

You are so right! I totally feel like I am going insane. I am so tired of the lies after him swearing what he is saying is true, then finding out later. He asks me why I keep digging and opening up old wounds(dday was 18 months ago) I told him these wounds are not old, they have never healed and I keep digging because the I don't know why or the I don't know when it began are getting very tiresome and I need answers. I am so stuck, I am beside myself and totally going crazy.

What's real

Submitted by MikeOB (not verified) on

I understand and feel everyone's pain, my issue is crazy also. My wife has a case of the "I can't remember. She can remember what happen at the bar, went to his house and can't remember what happen there except he kissed her she kissed him,now she didn't come home until 7am and can remember the following days events cause he happened to show up at my house (football party) but left quickly. This cannot be true that she doesn't remember, right?

cheating

Submitted by shadowy on

I am long time cheater...multiple times over many years. I have a great wife and children. I have NEVER responded to anything online. When I read this you wrote, it hit me like nothing my wife or Rick or anyone on here has ever said! It actually HELPED me hit rock bottom and see myself for who I really am. I am so ashamed and aghast at myself for being in self denial for so many years! I made excuses, justified, minimized, defended my cheating as not so bad since I did not have intercourse with any of them. I thought I had set my boundaries. How ludicrous and ridiculous of me!!! Cheating is cheating and I definitely cheated even though sometimes only in my thoughts. It all affected my relationship with my wife. I know that your writing that letter was for ME! If what you did helped no one else but ME.....it was so worth it to ME! I finally see myself because of your letter! What an awful husband I have been! You were inspired in every word you wrote and I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

If I could copy/paste this to

Submitted by Melislost (not verified) on

If I could copy/paste this to my husbands heart!

Repeating questions

Submitted by Patti on

I found out 4 months ago that in 2015 my husband of 21 years (25 together) and a friend were having a sexting relationship.(Very inappropriate sexual videos and messages sent to him and to her taken in my house). She had moved to Texas in Aug 2014 but they were texting before she moved and all through out the year. He says they were friends beforehand (we were all friends) and confided in each other. She said she envied my life with him and pursued him and let the lines blur. She lived next door to us before she moved. Somewhere in July or August 2015 the sexting started while she lived in Texas (according to them both as he deleted google where i found all info). She came for a visit in 8/2015 and stayed at my house 2 of the 5 days she was here the other days she was next door at her moms. She was sexting him while at my house pretending to be my friend, while trying to sleep with my husband. It did not get physical according to them both) In Sept 2017 she moved back to her moms next door and literally became my best friend, we spent almost everyday together. They hid this from me. They both say it was not rekindled but i am pissed she could come into my house and act as if she hadn't wronged me that takes a really sick person to do this. That he would allow that, he says he didn't want to but i had immediately connected with her new baby, which was true and he was desperate for me not to know because he didnt want me to leave him. I am such a fool. She spent holidays with us before and after she moved, i hosted her daughters 2nd birthday, she stayed at my house while we took our son to college. I have to be reminded of her every time i pull up and walk to my house because she lives next door and he made videos of himself in my house, its like it is tainted and toxic for me now and i feel like a prisoner here, humiliated to be outside and jilted to be inside.. There are other things, porn, massages and websites. I am so devastated, I keep asking the repeating questions trying to wrap my head around this person who says they love me but devastated me to the core. I am the need to know person and am upset its trickling out. I deserve the truth and i am tired of i cant remember... He is remorseful and sickened my what he has done to me and seeing me in pain is devastating to him we are seeking counseling individually and together.. I started being silent about it not really talking about it, i feel like he takes my silence as i am over it, but i am not i still hurt deeply..

I'll never know what happened

Submitted by jax on

What about a spouse who lives in alternate reality - she won't acknowledge the affair lasted a year -she believes it was a just a fling! Recovery isn't possible because she isn't capable of telling the truth - she has lied so many times she actually believes the lies and is quite willing to live in her alternate reality and wants me to join her! I'm not ever going to live in her alternate reality!

3 D Days

Submitted by Anonymous on

How about husband comes home Dec, 2018 tells me he lied about going to Christmas Party and was out with his Physicians Assistant because holiday party was on a Friday and they kissed. That’s it. He kept to threat story for 4.5 months and i told him no one believes you after we had come from couples counseling. He said i tell you the truth. We kissed, only kissed starting in October. Then they broke up. Because he wouldn’t have sex with her (. A lie). Then she proceeded to have affair with his junior partner. He felt betrayed by both and had to win. Her back. I saw Amex bill for. Gifts,Uber. Ride homes every night, out for. Drinks. But he Said I never had sex with her. I had begged him in front of therapist for truth a few weeks earlier. I told him there are a wall of lies between us and I’m stuck. I need the truth. He lied. Through some unscrupulous methods, i found out that they had been having sex from October, he told her. He loved her and she told him she loved him. Prior to coming clean about sex, his story was emotional affair, the had a higher connection and he had sexual feelings that he never acted out. I also found out they were planning to go away but got caught. Truth, he started having sex with her two weeks after i asked him if there was someone else, that we were broken and had no intimacy. He got defensive, had a tantrum. And denied,denied, denied. This affair. Had nothing to do with partner, he was already doing unspeakable things with her. I found out texted him, he finally confirmed, i went to hospital she had left and i trashed her office. I still think there is more. I try to explain that the sex is secondary to all the lies. I nearly. Was committed. I think my husband has narcissistic personality disorder. It’s been 11 days since full details of affair have come out (if its really full). He isn’t dealing with questions and reasoning behind my need to know . He cant take it lol. now the story is he didn’t love her,he liked her she did this PA that appreciated and said he just wanted blowjobs at work because he hated work. I told him go stay at Hotel for few days. I dont know what to do. There is so much more to this story, horrendous details but i cant write forever. So in closing timeline,details never added up. I. Always say if it dont add up you have done the math wrong. Don’t know what to do,I’m still fragile but so angry

Holes in stories?

Submitted by Jasonjrl (not verified) on

What do you do when there are still holes. Certain parts of stories that don’t add up. She admitted to sleeping with him ONCE but I am almost certain based on other facts there was multiple times. I want to believe her but I can’t make myself. I’m so desperate. What do we do??

Holes in stories....

Submitted by Torgym1 on

I want you to know and understand, you are not alone with your feelings of disbelief. Much like you, I felt the same way for the first couple of weeks after D day. My wife was less than honest with her infidelity. I wanted the whole story. Why not, she had already betrayed me, and I needed closure. Only when I began researching infidelity and using the tools Affair Recovery provides, did I then get answers. Honest answers. I had to quit pushing her for answers in the disrespectful way to myself, and to her, to get the truth and closure I wanted. My wife was being dishonest with her stories and I also wasn't making her want to "open up" and tell me the truth. I finally came to terms with myself and thinking I was the issue. I was not. I did not make these choices. Once my wife understood that I already realized I wanted her to be married to me and forgave her for her infidelity, she began to understand that I was already hurt and confused more than she could ever make me by giving me her honesty. This gave her the opportunity to tell me the whole story. Front to back. No, I did not want the horrible details of the actual sex, just how it got to that point, why it got to that point, and when it got further out of control. I started by telling her that going forward, if I had questions, I would write them down and she could take time to answer within a certain time frame. This gave her the courage to be honest, open, and not pressured. I realized when I asked her questions face to face, I was doing ot more in a way to shame her than to find answers. After about two weeks, she sat down, opened up to me and told me everything. At that time, her stories had no gaps, no "I can't remembers", and she looked me straight in the eyes and said "I'm so sorry I hurt you. You didn't do anything to deserve this. I love you and want to restore our marriage." I understand this may not work in every situation and I do realize we have a long way to go, but I will tell you, our marriage and communication is now stronger than it has ever been. Again, we still have a lot of work to continue restoring our marriage and myself trusting her, but I feel strongly that we will survive this together. I hope this helps.

Holes in Story Are Tearing Me Apart

Submitted by Michael1024 on

I have been married for 30 years and we have been together for 32. Full disclosure--our marriage has been bad for a long time. I had 2 affairs, 14 years ago for about 4-6 months, and 9 years ago for about 1 month. My wife found out almost immediately about both and has, since 2006, been relentless in her horrible treatment of me. I made full disclosures and answered every question/accusation as fully as possible. We tried counseling several times but she stopped going every time that the counselor tried to shift my wife's focus from what a bad person I was to how we could save our marriage. I truly love her and have done my best for the years since to show her that I am sorry for what I did to her and have taken concrete, positive steps to improve our marriage. I retired (my affairs were with co-workers), moved to Florida, and have travelled with her throughout the U.S., South America, the Caribbean, and Europe. In short, I've devoted my life to her. She has not done the same. She's held on to her anger and has expressed it on, if not a daily, a weekly basis. Small disagreements shortly turn into raging arguments with her screaming the names of the women I cheated with at me--although I have had no contact with them since the affairs ended.

I had long suspected that she had revenge relationships but was content to not confront the possibility beyond her perfunctory denials. On 3 occasions, I snooped on her electronics and found her corresponding inappropriately with other men, making plans to see each of them. When I confronted her, she made light of each, saying she was just being flirtatious. On another occasion, I found nude pics of her on her iPad. She told me they were just to see what she looked like and that "all women take naked pictures of themselves." I swallowed that one also. A month ago yesterday, I went on her iPad and found a screen shot of an explicitly sexual text message and another screen shot of a text message of an exchange giving the address of a short-stay motel. This time, when I confronted her, she told me that she had a one-time affair with a man our oldest son's age. I contacted the person and he said that he did have a "relationship" with her over 10 years ago but hadn't had contact with her since. I persisted in asking who THESE texts referred to and she gave me 2 obviously fake names before telling me that she had a short affair with someone who worked for me and who I considered very loyal, if not a friend. It was literally too crazy to believe as my wife is the ultimate in pretentious and this man is one of the dirtiest. sexually immoral people I've encountered. I told her that I didn't believe her and that I would spend whatever I had to in order to find out who the subscriber to the phone she texted was. Realizing that I would eventually find out, she then told me that she had an affair with another man I knew through my job, one she knew that I did not like. This information, proved to be more devastating than the prior admissions as, during therapy that we've been going to, its been coming out in drips and drabs that, in addition to having the affair with and sending nude pics to my subordinate, she's been having an off and on affair and exchanging nude pictures with the man I dislike for over 10 years. She's been downplaying the seriousness of the relationship, saying they wouldn't be in contact for months or even years at a time but I looked at phone records going back to 2016 and that's not true. She says that she didn't love him and didn't tell him she loved him but I can't wrap my head around her denial. It's completely contrary to human nature to have a 10+ year relationship and not have a strong emotional tie to the other person. Now, I've ordered phone records going back to 2014 but I know I'm just torturing myself looking for that "months or even years" that she says she was not in contact with him. I look at text exchanges between the 2 and then check my phone and work records, wondering where I was, if I was calling her and she wasn't answering or if she was being nasty to me that particular day. Funny thing is, I started to keep a diary on my phone to try to avoid direct confrontations and the frequency that she would accuse me of infidelity or tell me that I was garbage because I had cheated on her and she had remained loyal--WHILE SHE WAS ACTUALLY ENGAGED IN NUMEROUS INFIDELITIES FOR 10+ YEARS--is astounding. I'm having trouble dealing with her destruction of my dignity while she was out messing around. I love her but her story still keeps evolving the deeper I dig. At what point do I say enough is enough?

Unanswered questions

Submitted by Sue on

Hello,
I’ve been married for 21 years and my marriage was never really solid. We argued a lot because he worked a lot and it made me feel lonely and unloved. I spent a lot of money to fill that void. After 12 years, he was let go from his job for a problem he had way before we got married. Looking back now, I should have had the sense to leave. After his job loss, we moved. Two years later, I left not as a means of ending the marriage, but that I missed my support system back home. My kids were being bullied and I couldn’t handle it anymore.
I honestly don’t know what is keeping us together.
The big breakdown between us happened 3 years ago. He began keeping his distance, staying out late and sleeping on the couch. I knew something was wrong, but didn’t know what. There was one of his high school friends who was around during the summer and at first I didn’t think anything of them chatting. I trusted him and actually didn’t really care. At one point later in the fall, he went to my mom and dad to tell them that he didn’t love me anymore. My dad who at the time had his mother actively dying was told these words from my husband. A few days after my grandma passed away, my dad told me what my husband had said. That was it! It confirmed for me the reasons as to why he was sleeping on the couch, arguing with me and going out all of the time.
At that very moment, it was over for me. I removed my wedding ring and showed my husband that I took it off. He had also removed his months prior, but I hadn’t noticed.
I drew up separation papers and started looking for an apartment. Then I noticed him trying to reconnect with me? I didn’t understand. You say you don’t love me and now you’re trying to be kind and affectionate? But by that time my heart grew cold and hard. I pursued my goal of moving on. I began going out with friends and having fun. Something I felt I hadn’t experienced in a long time. I met another man and had a month affair. It was not sexual. My husband found out, but by that time my affair had ended. I remember him saying to me....”already?”. I felt bad and told him the affair was over. I gave him all of the details. I few months afterward, I was sitting at home one night and got a call from a friend. She told me that she had seen my husband holding hands with another woman. I found out it was that old high school friend. He had been seeing her since the summer/fall of the previous year.
I was angry and hurt. He came home and was upset. He told me he made a mistake and that they were “just friends”. Yeah right!!!!!
He involved my children in his shenanigans with her. I believe he was trying to integrate her in his and their lives to start something new.
Anyway, he was not forthcoming about the details of his affair. He simply said it was over and that he was sorry for hurting me.
We decided to try and work it out. I canceled my apartment, my furniture purchase and our appointment with the mediator. He assured me that it was over. He told me many times that they did not have sex. I was willing to acknowledge and work on my role in the breakdown of my marriage. I was mean with my words towards him for many years and I came to understand how his heart closed off towards me. But I took no responsibility in his decision to cross the line.
I later found out that he lied about ending things not only once but twice. I was focused on keeping my family together and grow spiritually.
Now two years later, I’m still struggling to stay in this marriage. My only reason to stay is for my kids. We are amicable and trying to leave things in the past, but there is still an undertone of unresolved hurt, pain and honesty. I rarely bring it up directly because I know he will get defensive and angry, so I bring up indirectly through other friends experiences of infidelity to make him realize how much he damaged me and the family. Don’t know what to do.

All I keep getting after a year or trying is lies and more lies

Submitted by Daleyssa (not verified) on

It's been a year after I found out of everything. I asked him to tell me everything I needed to know and that I would forgive him and we would work together to make our marriage of now 16 years work out for the sake of our 4½ kids. Well all I got at the beginning was everything you know is all it happened nothing more. Well through out this whole year it's all been arguments because little by little stuff has been coming up. Before I had found out everything of his infidelity I found out by one of his friends that he had a second cellphone that he used to do everything. Well he denied everything completly. I always had the feeling he was still liying to me so a few weeks ago I asked God to help me find it since it's really obvious that I have to have proof in my hands so he can confess to something. Well 2 days ago God told where to find it and I did. It's a smart phone and he has a pin on it so I can't access it at all but he doesn't want to give me the pin either. To me I have a feeling that he has kept cheating on me this whole time that it was not all talk that he actually had physical contact and he doesn't want to give me the pin because he knows that if that's true I'm out the door in a heartbeat. He swears up and down it was all talk but of course I don't believe him one bit since he has never been honest with me to begin with. What should I do?? Should I just go with my gut that he did have physical contact and leave or what?? To me marriage is something sacred but all these years of past infidelitys im to the point I'm done and don't want to try anymore

Will I ever be able to trust again

Submitted by gw on

It's been over 20 year since my husband first admitted to an affair that he said lasted six months. He often stayed at his work location over night - it was a long drive and I knew he would always grab beers on his way home. So I would often say - it's ok "don't drive , after your long day " - I rather he stayed over than drive whilst under the influence . Our children would often be in bed anyway by the time he made it home. One night he suddenly seemed repelled by my advances in the bedroom - I was worried and couldn't understand what was going on. Anyway things were up and down for a while , and eventually after a drinking session at home, and me actually telling him to admit to the affair, he did. It was as if I had been hit by a truck. Things were horrible and the uncertainty of what I should do , and with having young children was horrible. Lucky for us, his job location changed . We moved interstate . It was his chance to run away from the affair without actually telling her he was breaking it off. When we were interstate , at first he would sneak into another room late at night and make calls back to his old office staff- saying he had to check in on them. He was still calling her. Eventually it petered out. Thank goodness and we got some semblance of normality back in our lives. Until now 20 years later , he is called away to work again . This time he is living interstate alone , we meet every few months , but my job is here and his there - only for a short stint of 18 months and we didn't want to sell the family home. In that time , little signals started triggering . No contact on my birthday, more coffee shop, pub and restaurant visits on his credit card showing up. Always an excuse, for him tho' - entertaining business clients ETC. On a visit home tho' , a check on his phone showed him messaging a girl at work. Sending pics of his visit home , telling her when he would be back in town. Sending her poems about love. Long texts about how to deal with her partner ' she was having issues with'. Telling her that he listened to her , knowing her likes and dislikes. Sending her pics of a bottle of whisky - because she likes Whisky and he was enjoying it here. !!! On confronting him he could not see that he was infatuated with her - he was doing most of the messaging - deliberately making any excuse for contact ' Call me , if you need to chat!' ' Are you awake' . For goodness sake - the girl is 24 year old overseas student!! He is 63!!! I don't know if she was humouring him or trying to entice an old dude into a marriage because she needs permanent residency.!! Either way he cannot admit he was besotted with her - a man does not make such efforts to keep in touch unless he is interested. We had massive arguments again and in the end he quit that job and come home for good. But is my trust destroyed again!? Absolutely - I can't forgive - even though nothing physical has happened this time around - the emotional betrayal has been horrible. He has changed his phone passwords and so I have no way of knowing if they are still in touch. He says he was only helping this girl , but the fact that he never talked about her, whilst he always talked about other employees , makes me certain of his true feelings for her. Of course this brought flooding back the old memories of his previous dalliance , which he would never talk about . Does the hurt ever stop?? I want so many answers , but he says if I keep bringing it up , then we are finished. Maybe we are if that's how he feels. And to be honest , I don't think he feels anything anymore. Thank you for listening and letting me get that if my chest.

Trusting again seems unimaginable

Submitted by Danielle M (not verified) on

I found out 4 months ago that my husband was cheating on me with his ex girlfriend. We had been married 4 weeks when I found out. He had also cheated on me with her while we were dating. Why I didn’t walk away at that point, I’ll never understand.

This time around has been different in that he changed his phone number, he has given me all of his passwords and goes out of his way to reassure me. His work requires some travel. I have gone on every work trip with him until here recently. He has a trip coming up the middle of November. It’s a quick two day trip. He didn’t ask me to join so naturally anxiety sets in. I start playing scenarios through my mind of the two of them rendezvousing. I kept all of my feelings and emotions to myself until tonight. He asked me how I was feeling about his up coming trip. So I was honest. I told him my struggles. Instead of being loving and talking me off the cliff, he reacted very harshly. I told him I wanted him to take his iPad and keep FaceTime open while he was in his hotel room. I thought that would help me so much. If he has nothing to hide, why would it matter? He got so angry with me for even bringing it up. He yelled at me and said I should just leave the relationship because I will never be able to trust again.

Please someone tell me if I am out of line for making this request. I always try to put myself in other people’s shoes and I truly feel it wouldn’t matter to me because I would want him to have total and complete peace of mind.

Am I a crazy B**** like he says? Am I an idiot for not trusting him? It’s been 4 months. We’ve been together for 20 months and he has cheated on me five times in 20 months all with the same ex girlfriend. How could he possibly think the trust is already rebuilt? How can I trust him?

What to do?

Submitted by Anonymous on

Well it's only been 4 days since I found out. The shock and confusion is unbelievable because we've been separated but recently had been together quite a bit more and I thought we were falling in love again. I had talked openly and honestly what's my wife for months. I thought we were rebuilding our marriage and then I found out she's cheating.
I know it's only been four days but we're still separated and she's telling me she loves me and wants to work it out but that's about it.
She has an attachment disorder and I thought the disconnection was due to that. I did everything I could to give her the space that she said she needed wow trying to be a good person and then found out she was cheating.
What I don't understand is why she keeps telling me she loves me and wants to work it out while she never talks to me other than to respond to things say to her.
I told her that I will need to know what happened and that we needed to be transparent and she agreed but you won't let me look at her phone either. Granted it was the day after but I feel like if there is something she wanted to get rid of she probably would have.
My wife has always been kind of aloof but I always thought it was just a whole lot of anxiety because that's what she told me. She's never been able to talk about things that she's done wrong in our marriage although this is the first time that infidelity has been discovered.
I don't see how she's going to be able to now but I still can't leave when she keeps telling me she loves me and wants to work it out.
I was a husband who tried to be open and honest and try to always work on our marriage.
Now I'm reading this and people are going through the same thing that I'm going through and it's pain over a year in some cases.
Yeah I'm not sure I can take another week. I love my wife so much and I have done so much and sacrificed so much only to make her happy. I can't see myself ever being with anybody else but I can't stick around with someone and feel this way. I can't be left out on this isolation point where I don't have any answers and I have to make up everything because that isn't any better.
We've had issues for a while now but I've always been trying to work on making things better. I was never perfect and I have my wrongs and I know what I've done wrong.
Knowing my wife in the good times as well as the bad I know she's never going to be able to talk about this with me.
I'm not going to be able to move on and build something without knowing.
I've been pleading with her to talk with me for the last couple days but today I changed my approach and was just sweet with her.
I bought her flowers and we talked about have a nice dinner together. We joked around a little bit but really she won't talk to me unless I initiate. Our marriage has always been like that.
I am hoping against all hope for some sort of epiphany. I can't handle hearing her say she loves me one more time only the keep her distance so soon after finding out she's been cheating.

What to do?

Submitted by Anonymous on

Hello,
I understand that the news of your wife’s betrayal is only a few days old. I can also understand the feelings of shock and confusion you might be feeling. I’ve experienced infidelity in my marriage too. For me it felt like my world was flipped up side down. The hurt, anger and utter devastation is in the least a blow to the heart. It’s hard to understand how we think we know our partner and then a huge reality check like betrayal and lies comes to light. It seems to me like your wife is teetering between what she thinks she wants and doesn’t want in a relationship....hence the aloof behaviour. And that sir, puts you in a vulnerable place. I admire your devotion to marriage and how you want to show her your love, empathy and dedication. However, according to my research on affairs....the betrayer who is caught up in what they call “limerence” or “affair fog”.... leaves little to no room for him/her of being in a state of truth. She seems to me...like someone who doesn’t know what they want, which I see is causing you to feel like you are being left dangling. Hoping she will come around. Leaving someone dangling without really being honest and forthright is unfair and disrespectful to you...not to mention dishonourable. As difficult as this may be, my advice to you is to focus on your own wellbeing. Whether that be through prayer(finding a good church), talking with a person who values marriage(support system) and maybe some focus on exercise could help you develop a sense of self worth, can help you through this life altering change. It’s a tough road. At the of the day what I’ve learned is that we are human beings who are seeking to fill a void and want to just be loved and cherished. I wish you all the best. God Bless.

Doesn't remember and he doesn't know why

Submitted by Anonymous on

My major problem is my husband keeps saying that he doesn't know why he cheated! Could he be telling the truth?

Unable to decide what to do

Submitted by HG (not verified) on

I am in a similar situation. I had found out about the affair around 10 yrs ago and he had said there is nothing to it and had promised that it had already ended. Now a few weeks ago, my husband all of a sudden wants out of the marriage. Says he never wanted to have kids in the first place. Says he was ready for divorce even back then. Turns out the affair had never actually ended. Actually its much more complicated. The girl got married, divorced and my husband has been helping her thru all this time constantly assuring her that he is always going to be with her no matter what. Meanwhile, we had our own life going on with a unsuspecting me doing everything - managing the kids the house etc., while he went away on business trips (some of which were with her). Now the girl is back in his life and she has agreed to be with him too, so he is swept away in the heat of it all. He doesnt know that I know these things. Every day is a new revelation to me, when they talk. I have access to his computer - so I know he is messaging and calling her day and night. As of now, its a long distance relationship, but they are soon planning to meet. I am getting to know details about all these years when they talk daily. Should I let go and ignore him, because he has always woven a web of lies at me. Or should I confront him about all the past lies and get answers ? I am confused at what I should do. I am deeply hurt and feeling sick to the stomach every day, because all my life has been like a lie now. He kept lying to me and meeting this girl, but I believed him all along. How naive was I ? Its pathetic that I could have been so stupid.

Unable to decide what to do

Submitted by Nobody (not verified) on

Hello there,
I can relate to how you might be feeling torn. I went through this three years ago. Seems like you have alot of evidence to back up the fact that you’re husband has been lying to you for all these years. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling by giving him the benefit of the doubt 10 years ago, to only find out that it’s continued all this time.i don’t think you’re naive. Seems like you have discovered a real side of what your husband is capable of doing...as a human being. Please understand that in no way am I justifying his behaviour. This was his choice. I’ve done a lot research about affairs. Bottom line is...broken and hurt people hurt other people. There’s a void in his heart and he is being deceived. As for you, Could it be possible that you might just be a forgiving person? Could it be that you’ve stayed for your children without realizing it at the time 10 years ago? Have you looked at your communication style that might have played a part in the breakdown of your marriage? Again, this not to say it’s your fault...because he was the person who crossed the line. It’s just an opportunity for you to reflect on yourself and decide what you want and what legacy you want to leave your children with. I have a friend who has said “all we have is our name”. I don’t know how old your children are, but I can tell you that when my husband had his affair and lied to me about ending it....I was furious. Initially, I wanted to leave, but chose not to. I was not the easiest person to live with and my way of communicating my feelings of dissatisfaction was hurtful to me and him. So, my reason for staying became for my faith and my kids. It took me three years to finally see the positive side as to why I changed my mind about leaving. I did not want my children to experience the pain of watching their father disregard their feelings by showing affection to another woman in front of them, nor did I want them to get mixed up in a blended family where they might have taken the back seat. This is my mama bear approach. I believe that my husband was so immersed in his infatuated state with her that the pain being caused to others was not being considered or thought of. He showed no remorse after being caught in public with her. Looking back now...that attitude said everything about what my children might have experienced, if I would have left.
I can’t tell you what to do next. My advice is to care for yourself and your children. When the focus is shifted on things you can control and not on the other person and their choices, it can be life changing. Despite the deep hurt and pain I’ve felt, I made the decision to shift my focus. I worked through my pain with my trust in God and a few close friends. It sounds like your husband has made his decision to be with this other person. Unfortunately, there may not be a way of reasoning with him at this time. He will need to see for himself the impact and consequences of his actions on his relationships. In the meantime...I suggest you reach out to some friends who will support you according to what it is you want and need. Weather it’s to save your marriage or not. Only you can decide. Please know that you have more worth than you know and deserve to be treated with value and respect. Praying for you and your family.

Unable to decide what to do.

Submitted by Nobody (not verified) on

@nobody.
Hi! I can completely relate to the decision you made in keeping your family together. I felt the same way. It took me a few years to see the positive side for staying in my marriage. My husband also got caught in public with his AP, my friend was the person who saw them together and reported it to me. He also failed to end the affair twice after telling me it was over which further eroded any trust I had in seeing his ability to be honest and forthright. I thought about leaving many times....it’s like an emotional and psychological roller coaster ride. I love him, but I didn’t like his actions and choices. I realized that he couldn’t be in his right mind to take a chance of losing his family a second time around.(we were in the middle of going through a separation at the time prior to dday). He had already taken the chance when I initially found out about the affair. But when he pleaded with me not to leave, I thought to myself....he must want this to work, only to find out he lied and kept contact with her. That is when I said to myself...like you in mama bear mode...I will not allow my kids to go through the emotional and psychological pain of watching my kids see their dad disregard their feelings by being affectionate with another woman. Kids don’t get a say when they are too young to make adult decisions. So...I became their voice by protecting them by not separating from my husband. My focus shifted as well. I learned that I have a God who loves me and forgives. Now three years after the fact...I still hold on to my faith, spend time with my children which wouldn’t be possible on a daily basis if I would have left. My husband’s job now as far as I’m concerned is to make the choice to reflect and make changes within himself should he want to. Although the scars that have been left from this tragedy still weigh heavily on my heart from time to time, I push forward, allow to grieve what has changed for me and him...and move forward counting the blessings in my life. I can understand how this person feels of not knowing what to do. When you think you know a person and trust in their faithfulness...to have that taken away is a shock indeed. But, I believe that situations like these give opportunities for growth...I guess it depends on which direction you want to grow. Bitter or better.

not approved

Submitted by Feeling For You (not verified) on

Hi there…it’s been a couple of years since these posts, but our stories are so much the same. I hope your doing well and your children too.

TRUST YOUR INSTINCT

Submitted by Tara Jacobis (not verified) on

I have been married faithfully for twenty- five years. My husband has always used his indiscretions as " counseling women". Which I've always told him its to be done decent and in order, either at the church in the open ( not where others could hear), or with my being present. Being that he is a Minister it was like a right of passage. For our entire marriage this was used as his excuse, not saying he was sleeping with all these women but some of the relationships were very inappropriate ( going out to eat, hanging out at their homes, before and after work communication, excessive extreme texting and being secretive ) Going three years back. My husband so called was counseling a couple he became really close to the man's wife they started hanging out together, talking on the phone a lot, etc. of course myself and the AP spouse was clueless. Once I found out my husband repeatedly lied, denied, tried to accuse me, etc. a lot happened with the situation one that could have caused lost of life once the AP husband found out.... My husband and talked to the Pastor I agree to bury it although there was no resolve, he made me feel as though I was paranoid, it wasn't what it seemed, blah blah blah... I forgot to mention my husband was jobless at the time I worked to support our family while he played Mr. Counselor. At any rate months after this so called non sexual its all in your imagination affair. My husband got a job ( through the help of my resources). He met a female co-worker they worked together for a little over a year. During this time I had gotten laid off my job. Always trust your intuition. My husband started telling me he had to be at the church for meetings, he had to work late, on weekends he was riding around the neighborhood seeing if people needed help to move since he had a truck, ALL LIES!!!! I decided to put an app on his phone. needless to say four months after being employed he started talking and texting his female colleague it got really intense the beginning of 2019. Some of the text messages read " I miss you, its good to see you, can you talk," etc. He tried deleting his calls and text messages but because of the app I was able to catch most of it from both her and him. Later I checked his google app come to find out he had been to her house several times, they had going out to eat at different restaurants, I matched the days and night he said he was at church he was actually with her. I made copies of everything when I confronting both of them it was like oh we are just friends, nothing happen between us blah blah I was devastated because now you've developed an emotional attachment and maybe a sexual one. My husband quit his job. This wasn't to stop the affair it was to save his face! Moving forward I have tried to get over this but its hard when you are married to a person who has no guilt, remorse, gaslight, accuse me, has a you should get over it attitude. etc. For months any small thing would trigger those emotions all over again. I prayed and asked God to help me show me his will. Its 2022 the last three months I have detached myself from my husband both physically and mentally and have asked for a separation with move out deadline for either myself or him. I'm numb to him now because not only was the above hard to deal with I've thought about all the other times his female encounters hurt me and our three children ( two or grown one getting ready to graduate hs). We went to private counseling and spiritual each time he made it seem as though I was crazy and he was so innocents doing the Lord's work ( as he put it). For those of you who have been betrayed by your husband or wife. know that its not your fault there's nothing wrong with you. If you are married to someone who tries to turn the tables on you and manipulate, lie, etc. know that they will never change. They repeat this cycle to gratify their insecurities and hurt those who really love them. I'm just getting to the point where I feel nothing for my husband. My mental health, happiness and well being means more. I have been a faithful wife and mother God knows. I'm starting what I call "new Beginnings" not saying it will be easy but its better than being stuck in a marriage where there's no trust!

Forgiveness does not equal staying

Submitted by Dee V (not verified) on

I wanted to be a good person and do right for my children and husband and God. I worked to forgive and I have worked , worked , worked but I now see work must come from both of us. No relationship is true when only one is working. I love him. I always will. I also realize that all the times I felt bad for not forgiving him when I thought I had were times that I was grieving. And he didn’t like the grieving. I heard the same messages as many of you which basically boiled down to “get over it”. What I know now is I can forgive him but that doesn’t mean I need to stay. Staying does not prove forgiveness. I had to move on. And I felt guilt for years until someone basically said something like,”marriage is not meant to feel like a prison or like torture. God does not want that for us.” I realize not everyone believes in God. For those who don’t I hope you can still accept the message that marriage is not meant to feel like a prison sentence. Allow yourself to heal and mend. You may need to let go of him to do this. And you are brave for doing it. And you will be okay.

Many christians think divorce is not forgivable under Gods laws. Once someone steps outside the bounds of your marriage commitments you do not need to ever feel like you need to stay in that relationship to prove righteousness to God. Staying married does not equate a godly life. Keeping trust does. You don’t need to stay.

Timely info

Submitted by bighorn mountains on

This was very timely info for us. I hope that what I’m about to write will help someone who is also going through the initial stages after discovery.
Disclosure day was a week ago. The initial disclosure day was five weeks ago where I received probably 3/4 of the story. In the ensuing weeks there were many incidents of trickle truth as he remembered things. The affairs were over a period of time spanning 4 years, mostly online affairs and inappropriate messaging/photos/videos with strangers he met through various means like craigslist and online forums. Probably 8 people total. At year three he had an opportunity to meet up with one of them but canceled in guilt the week before they were to meet. By year 4 (2019), he started an online relationship that ended in a physical affair lasting about nine months with a two month break over the summer when he tried to break away from the affair because of guilt. He and the AP met up about eight times, but messaged each other frequently, except for those two months over the summer. This last December things were starting to fall apart with them because he felt so horrible every time they met, and he was wanting to meet with our pastor to confess but was struggling because he felt I would leave him. On January 18, I ended up discovering an email that had nothing really to do with the affair but caused me to ask him questions. That’s when he decided to tell me the truth.
I have some advice for betrayed spouses. The waiting time for a full disclosure timeline is excruciating. It has to be one of the worst things you’ll ever experience, I felt like a 1 ton boulder was poised over my head, ready to drop at any moment. I was so fearful of new information and more detailed information, but I knew that I needed to hear it. Our counselor told me to give him the time that he needed because I really deserved the full story not just bits and pieces, and that takes time. He put the timeline together probably over a two-week period. In that time he remembered two other online APs that he had failed to tell me about. So it was important that he have that time to think things through. My husband’s memory is not the best on a good day, let alone over a span of four years and a desire to forget it all because of shame. He would go months in between these incidents without acting out and wanting to work on our marriage and himself, but then he would eventually give in because he really had no support in this. My husband is a journaler, so I could probably go back and see the times when he unsuccessfully tried to journal his way out of this hole. This is an important lesson to unfaithful spouses. You cannot do it by yourself, it is impossible. You could have every good intention and really love your spouse and want to stop, but you won’t be able to until the whole secret is out and the motives are addressed. The enemy works best in darkness and secrets, and temptation will eat away at you and your best intentions will be nothing but ashes. I’m actually glad my husband had experience with this because now he knows that he needs to be open and honest, and be accountable to others about when he’s struggling. It’s about being a real, authentic human with frailties and a propensity to sin. There’s no shame in that because that is everyone of us. That’s why we need a Savior.
This week has been a week of questions, some I have not wanted to ask. I have carefully avoided comparison questions even though I wanted to know some things. One of the hardest things I asked him was if he held her hand when they strolled around a park. You would think that the idea of them having intercourse would be more painful for me, but this was far more painful because it seemed more intimate and less connected to sex. Last night I had a revelation. My husband explained the affairs as a type of infatuation, but in our discussion this morning we decided infatuation is the wrong word. Infatuation is what he and I had when we first met, dated and fell in love. It has a very pure feel to it, a rightness, it’s the way that God designed us to be when we are searching for a mate. The best term I’ve seen for this “other infatuation” is limerence. Limerence thrives in secrecy and deception and obsession. It’s not love, it’s selfish lust that has more to do with what it provides for the individual and not for the other person. My husband loved me and knew me, just as I loved and knew him; reality, not fantasy.
What has been helpful for me in my discussions with my husband was to think of the analogy of a sinking ship. As the ship goes down I, our children, my husband’s mother and siblings, our grandchildren, and the affair partner are all in the water and he is trying to rescue us. Guess who he would rescue last, if at all? I know this because never once did he think about leaving our marriage and the thought of me leaving once I discovered the truth was what prevented him from saying anything. He never spoke about me with the affair partners, he only spoke about his own loneliness and desperate need for affection and attention. This is something that I am finding I need to work on. Because although I was faithful to him and loyal, I was not treating our marriage in the mutual way that I should have been. I was living a pretty independent life. No excuses for sin on his part, just part of the larger picture of how this affair happened. I need to own my part in it, especially if there’s to be healing for both of us. He is a man who truly loves his family, and did something very foolish that nearly destroyed it.
So I hope this is a hopeful message to both betrayed and unfaithful spouses; become students of the affair. Learn as much as you can on this website and through other resources. I cannot believe at times where I have come from the initial discovery on January 18, 2020 until now. We are both going to counseling twice a week as a couple and he’s going once a week on his own. We watch the videos on this website together and share things that we learn. We try to spend as much intimate time together as we can so as to reconnect. We are going to bed at the same time and going grocery shopping together, I’m getting up and having breakfast with him in the mornings, and we now do bible study together. I’m joining him for dinner the nights that he works 24 hour shifts. I never did that before this happened. We are working on mutuality. We also know that we need to work on conflict resolution because that was a major part of the failure of our marriage.
Last of all, the most important thing we do is that we pray together several times a day, we have a commitment to pray together every night. When he’s at work he calls me and we pray together on the phone. I see God’s hand in everything that has happened so far. I see that the Holy Spirit was working when he caused me to initially question my husband. Believe me, I was completely in the dark about any of this at the time.
Without that prompting none of this work were doing now would be happening. Last month my husband moved to a fire station five minutes from our home and I see that as God’s hand. The two men that he works with are fellow Christians. Again, I see God at work. I picked our counselor at random from local online resources; he happens to be trained in affair recovery and sexual addictions, my husband really relates to him in a good way and can talk to him. Again, this is God at work. There have been many other incidents of God revealing himself to us these last five weeks.
I’m still working on trust and I know that will take time. My husband is doing everything he can to make me feel safe. Last night I woke around four in the morning and he asked me what I needed, I asked if I could present a question to him and he said yes and we talked for an hour. I know that healing can take a long time but certainly it doesn’t have to be excruciating. We are having many sweet moments together that we haven’t had since our early days of marriage. I see that my husband has a lighter spirit and a freer smile, his eyes are lighting up again. I haven’t felt this in love with him for years (we’ve been married 25). Thank you to all of the staff here at AR for the work that you do and know that it really does make a difference in people’s lives. It’s such important work when you consider the fallenness of this world and the enemy’s attack on God’s most important institution here on earth, the relationship between a man and a woman as husband and wife.
“God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.”
Thank you for letting me post my long-winded response.
To healing!

For sale

Submitted by bighorn mountains on

I’d also like to add that as a result of this disclosure, my husband is now having to sell his beloved truck and his personal vehicle because I will never ride in them again. He is willing to do this for me. If you are an unfaithful spouse these gestures can go a long way to making your husband or wife feel safe again.

Prayers for you

Submitted by DarkestB4Dawn (not verified) on

Prayers for you and your husband, Bighorn Mountains. It’s a rugged journey to healing, but it sounds like your husband is doing everything he needs to do, in order to help you heal. My own journey began 2 1/2 years ago with the disclosure that my husband of nearly 30 years had been cheating throughout our entire marriage and even before we were married. His betrayal included bringing people into our home for hookups and also introducing new “friends” to me who were portrayed as lost souls in need of care and compassion. My world shattered when I learned the truth, but he and I are still together, by the grace of God. I’m still in therapy, and I still have bad days, but my heart no longer feels like it’s in constant agony. We are closer than we’ve ever been, but I still haven’t been able to feel the forgiveness that I believe will finally free me to move into the future. This has been the most painful experience of my life and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. (We had to move out of our home because the triggers became too much to bear.)

Thank you

Submitted by spriet on

I just want to thank you for your comments here on this site. I had disclosure of my husbands affair exactly one year ago on Monday 2/24. however he was not honest about it, he was caught on tape and was still speaking to the AP when I found out. We immediately separated but have been working on our marriage. We see a marriage counselor once a month now but are still not living together. He also sees one on his own once a month as well. In our rural area counselor's are hard to find and we typically have to drive 2 hours to find one. I feel we are still struggling and I have a very difficult time letting go of things even though he is doing everything he can and has given up many things. We owned a business that we started together and we have turned that over to other owners. He has no part in it anymore. My struggle is the lying that he was able to do for so long. According to him it was about 4-5 months long. He and the AP worked at the same location and she was 23 while he is 51. They still work at the same place but don't see each other. She has seemed to have moved on and my husband has no interest in her at all. He had a lot of shame and guilt but thought he could get away with it and not tell me because he knew it would ruin our marriage. We had been married 22 years. I feel like we should be farther in our recovery yet, I know that I hesitate still not knowing if I am making the right decision to work on our marriage. I appreciate reading your story. I'm just not sure what our next steps should be. Thank you for sharing.

Impressed!

Submitted by A~L (not verified) on

Wow! I am truly inspired by your story. You have made great progress in such a short amount of time. I am just getting to where you are and it has been almost 1.5 years since D-day.

thanks so much for this post.

Submitted by b.a. (not verified) on

thanks so much for this post. We're almost at 3yrs post discovery - discovery was made when he confessed to me. I really appreciated your description of the infatuation. I have been so certain that my husband was infatuated with his AP, however he has continually denied this stating she was simply a friend and the said friendship went horribly wrong. I shared with him what you wrote and he agreed completely with your description of infatuation vs limerance. I had read the posting on this site about limerance but this context helped me to understand it much more clearly. We are well on our way to healing, although I still have times when I get emotional (very) about it. We are more in love now than ever and he has learned to be more open/honest with his feelings, etc., in a way that he has never been before. I am glad that I stayed and we are now approaching our 33rd anniversary. Thanks again for sharing and I pray that your recovery continues as a shared journey.

Beyond broken leaning on GOD

Submitted by Tnail93 (not verified) on

Thank you so much for the “long winded” post I feel like GOD put that in front of me to see he always knows what’s best! As I read this there were so many things similar to my situation. My husband and I had the initial break through moment late summer and have been working on things..it took ALOT for me to get him to FINALLY say the word AFFAIR...finally in October (our 22nd anniversary) he basically told me he was totally committed to working in US I saw many differences in his demeanor and really was feeling great about things it seemed that he was really working on it letting her go etc. then a couple of weeks ago for whatever reason (she lives 4hrs away) she had a 3day weekend and reached out to him about coming over and rekindling things since it had been so long since they’d seen each other..well he went for it...it didn’t take me long to put the pieces together and realize what was going on..:finally this morning (after much prayer that he would just come to me- which he didn’t) it finally came out...and basically he just said...”I dint really know what to say” I asked how he could be so emotionally detached and he said he wasn’t but he really just didn’t know what to say...I’m so broken after we have been working so hard and have so many other blessings in our life...I realize it’s not all her fault..but she’s well aware of me..and just continues to pursue the situation and has no regard for the lives being destroyed by this

Thank You!!

Submitted by Anonymous on

Thank you for sharing. This gives me great hope in my recovery 🙏

Need advice

Submitted by Ziggy29 (not verified) on

I read your blog and I’m in the same boat finding out December 2019 after 20 years of being together. He’s always been a flirt and I was always afraid of a crossline one day and it did. He is a contractor in and out of women’s homes and always called them beautiful sweetheart it’s always made me feel diminished. I called him via text messages even though I have been tipped off by his cousin and he denied it as did she when I confronted her. I kicked him out and he got an apartment for six months. During this time he has made it quite clear that he wants nothing to do with her and loves me. We started going to church on Sundays and he is now attending Bible study every week in addition to weekly counseling for each of us. I do believe he loves me but I am straddled with all these unanswered questions as he denies that he had sex or kissing with her which does not correspond to what he wrote in the text messages. He said because it didn’t cross the line of sex he didn’t believe It was an affair. Once he started counseling he admitted that he realizes it was and he’s deeply hurt over what he did to me. He said he got caught up in some sort of vortex with her constantly complementing him and it got out of control. It apparently lasted like nine months and it’s eating me alive. I know I have things I have to work on and I’m trying hard to turn it over to God but I have all these questions that he denies and it eats me alive. He said he didn’t kiss her which makes no sense to me. Then he Confessed he kissed her on the cheek. After what I read in the text messages I just don’t believe him and that eats me up alive. My counselor said to me doesn’t really matter if you’re both working on moving forward and to me it does. It means that he trust me enough to tell me the truth. He swears on his kids lives he did not do anything like that and I just can’t get past it. I also feel like every memory we had for the last nine months is completely tainted. He said every moment he was with me, he was in the moment. I find that hard to believe. I have to start of his construction business two years ago and it hurts me deeply that the business almost went under and still made because of his dual lifestyle. When things are good between us they’re good and I believe that we have the potential to have a better future but I’m scared to death. I am straddle by the fear and I making a mistake and I don’t know how to get past it. I’m trying to hold on the faith but if there’s any advice you can give me I would appreciate it since you seem like a strong woman .

Need advice

Submitted by Sue on

Hi there. I’m really sorry for what you are going through. I understand your pain because I’ve been in the same situation. I don’t blame you for doubting him. Im sure a part of you wants to believe him because it’s so hard to believe someone you thought would be faithful was not. Knowing that their was deception and lies while you thought everything might have been ok is a hard pill to swallow. To me, that is one lesson I have learned. We are human beings and there is not one human being that is infallible. Including myself. I’ve made mistakes too. I’m not condoning what happened. But I also believe that because we are capable of making bad decisions that there is also room for learning and growing with grace. Infidelity is one of the most painful things a person can experience. It sets your world upside down. You want desperately to believe him because you love him. But your mind and heart has been shattered. In my experience, I always thought that my husband and I would always be faithful to each other. I had been proud of that fact until we hit our 16 years of marriage mark. Infidelity became a reality and it was a very hard reality to face. Dreams of how I thought it would be and should be....died. It was one of the biggest disappointments I ever experienced. Trust was gone and the person I thought would never cross the line...did. Over time, I tried to stop focusing on the unanswered questions about his affair because I knew it was getting me no where except a ton of frustration. It still hard sometimes....3 years after the fact. But now when I see the benefits of staying in my marriage because of my children not having to bounce back and forth from one house to another....to me has been worth it. Also, I’m learning that I can’t make someone tell the truth. My job is to move forward with life. To keep loving my kids, keep doing good work, keep my heart and mind focused on Jesus Christ and how only He has carried me through. I’ve learned a lot about me and how God’s grace and mercy saved me and does every day. How His grace opens the door to give grace to those who hurt me because I have hurt others in my life too. I suggest you keep looking upward and forward. Time will tell if you’re husband is sincere in wanting to live life with you in a honourable way. Keep the faith my friend.

Truth.

Submitted by Bobbie (not verified) on

My d-day was June2 2019. The emotional affair started in 2009 as a friendship and working relationship. I came across old texts accidentally. But those texts were from an old phone from 2014. I still don’t know what happened before that.
She was 24, he was 57. It went on for ten years. The last five years is what I came across. The texts were an affair of the heart. Love texts, telling her things Lille how much he missed her.
After I discovered this, I threatened to leave, but he begged me to stay. He said he loved me and this relationship was about helping her because she was suicidal.
That was an excuse to me, and it still is.

He called it a special friendship. But if anyone reads these texts that is not a friendship. The texts were frequent, everyday, , sometimes several times a day,. And there were hour long phone calls a few times a week.

He won’t see a counselor. We have talked it out, usually fighting. I gave him an alternative, end it or the marriage is over. He ended it this past September.
We talk now, instead of yelling. He has apologized over and over and has been very attentive and is trying to show how sorry he is.
However, I don’t think he is telling me everything. I have asked him over and over about any physical contact, not sex, but holding each other, kissing, hugging, holding hands. He never really answers me. He says no, not like I think. But I still have this gut feeling he is not telling me everything. In many of the texts he says he misses her and wants to spend a weekend with her reliving a business trip they had. But it want just them, it was with other people. He keeps repeating that it was so much fun, and wants to do,it again. He is retired.
This makes me think something else went on.

So my question is, how do I believe him when he tells me there was no physical contact when his texts assume something else?
Is he being honest with me? I want to know everything. But what if he is telling me the truth? How do I get past this? I just can’t believe that this went on for so long and there was no physical involvement, especially when the texts imply there was.

I also want to know

Submitted by Luan (not verified) on

It has been three months since I found out. I read text messages that suggest a physical relationship. At first he said nothing happened besides dancing too close at the club and talking all night. His text were in Spanish, so I couldn’t read them all, but I took pictures of some before he deleted them. I later translated the few that I had and she said he had soft lips. He later admitted to her kissing him, (he claims there is a difference) but he swears that is all that happened. I don’t believe a word he says and I can’t move on without knowing the extend of what he did. He would go on vacation with friends in places where that is a lot of prostitution (Latin America) and went a lot over a two year period (before I hear another person on these messages boards tell me to get an STD test, I’ve had one). I can’t seem to move on with my life and he is not providing any meaningful answers that satisfy me. The other problem is lets say he is telling the truth (which I doubt) and he did not have sex, I don’t know how I could every believe him based on the few text messages I read and I he lied before about the kiss. Three months later, I am stuck in place playing detective trying to put the puzzle together myself and I have an amazing imagination (lol). I love my husband and we are trying our best to make this work (except he does not like reliving his past events, but I’ll give him some credit that he is doing everything he can in the present), but feeling like I don’t have all the information keeps me stuck in neutral.

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas