Why Couples Fail After an Affair | Part 1 - Not Knowing What Happened Why Couples Fail After an Affair: A Four Part Series Part 1: Not Knowing What Happened Part 2: Not Getting It Part 3: Denying Your Reality Part 4: Failure to Grieve Hope for Healing Registration Soon! Space Is Limited! Spaces fill up quickly for this course. To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. Subscribe to Registration Notifications! "What's left in darkness is under the power and control of that very same darkness" Anonymous How to Practically Obliterate Any Opportunity for Restoration When a spouse is kept in the dark regarding the details of their spouse's affair, it's similar to feeling trapped in darkness, trying to find their way out. People naturally try to understand the events of their life. Until we are able to make sense of these events, a part of us continues trying to solve the mystery. If a spouse withholds information regarding their secret life, how long do you think someone who's been devastated by betrayal will spend trying to find the answer to their questions? Solving this mystery is a key factor for success in re-establishing trust and surviving infidelity. Without understanding what has happened, there is no way for the betrayed spouse to assess the level of damage and the probability of future success. Until the unfaithful spouse extends trust to their mate by sharing what happened, it is difficult for the betrayed spouse to rebuild trust. People are more than capable of getting over a betrayal, but continued deception leaves no path for trust and obliterates the opportunity for restoration. A Coherent Story: How To Calm Emotional 'Flooding' A substantial difficulty for couples recovering from infidelity is the emotional flooding created by the trauma after an affair. Infidelity creates a pain like no other, and difficulty regulating the ensuing emotions is not only common but to be expected. Emotional regulation and stability are created through what is called a coherent story. Up until the point where "what has happened" makes sense to the betrayed spouse, emotions run rampant, confusion rules the day, and the heart of the betrayed remains frayed. Understanding what happened provides a safe foundation on which they can eventually begin to rebuild. (Please keep in mind, this step in the process takes a significant amount of time and cannot be rushed). Empathy from the unfaithful spouse (which we'll address in a moment) is necessary to encourage healing. To move forward, couples need to come to a common understanding of their history. Regardless of the type of infidelity (e.g., emotional affair, one-night stand, pornography addiction, etc.), the story of what has happened needs to make sense to both husband and wife. As I work with couples who are stuck, not knowing what happened seems to be the number one culprit. I appreciate the work done by the late Peggy Vaughan in her e-book Help for Therapists (and their Clients). She hypothesized: A couple is more likely to stay married after an affair when they thoroughly discuss the whole situation. 55% of those who discussed the situation very little were still married (living together). 78% of those who discussed the situation a good bit were still married (and living together). 86% of those who discussed the situation a lot were still married (and living together). She concluded that the amount the affair was discussed with the betrayed partner was significantly associated with present marital status. A second hypothesis stated: A couple is more likely to stay married when the unfaithful spouse answers the questions of the betrayed spouse. 59% of those whose partner refused to answer questions were still married (and living together). 81% of those whose partner answered some of their questions were still married (and living together). 86% of those whose partners answered all their questions were still married (and living together). She concluded that the extent to which the partner answered questions was significantly associated with present marital status. Understanding what occurred allows both parties to rally around solutions. Combating Self-Deception Not only does the hurt spouse have a need to know what happened, that need is just as great for those who were unfaithful. Speaking from personal experience, I can attest to the benefit I received from discussing the events of my infidelity. There is a strong tendency to be self-deceived when facing a side of ourselves that we'd rather keep in the dark. When we feel shame, we betray ourselves as well as others. Exposing what has happened has a unique way of providing clarity, not only for one's mate but also for those of us who've been unfaithful. After my affair ended, I was not capable of thinking clearly and, consequently, I made many poor decisions. It wasn't just my mate discovering what happened; I also began to understand things I had not seen. Though it is a process, it was a necessary step in my own safety and healing journey. When Is Enough Detail, Enough Detail? At the same time, knowing what happened isn't the same as knowing every detail about everything that happened. Too much detail creates additional problems with intrusive thoughts. The betrayed partner might want to know what happened, where it happened, how often it happened, if there are potential health risks, and when it began and ended, and they have a right to this information. Questions comparing themselves to the affair partner, however, serve little or no benefit. Comparison questions ultimately create intrusive thoughts and complicate the healing process. While it is enticing to ask these questions, too much information only creates more reminders and more triggers. For those who want to help their mate feel safe and heal by sharing their story, here are some words of advice. Begin by asking your mate if he or she wants to know. If the answer is yes, then tell them the story. I find that carefully telling the story from beginning to end is the best way to relay the information. Far too often, the story is told piecemeal, i.e., drip-feeding or trickle-truth, as the betrayed partner asks questions and the unfaithful partner tries to answer. This, unfortunately, starts the clock over every time new information is brought to the surface. When you finish telling the story, please don't say, "That's everything." You're far better off realizing that you've told everything you remember at that moment, but there's always the possibility that other memories will come to mind and/or your mate may not have heard everything and will later be devastated if more information comes to light. Tell them that you're committed to honestly answering their questions and exploring what happened. Oftentimes, in the disclosure process, an unfaithful partner will resort to, "I don't remember,” when the truth is that they may not want to share the information as they are convinced that if the betrayed knows the details, they are done and gone. Other times, they genuinely may not remember the information and may need time and even help to remember what transpired. However, "I don't remember," is not the best answer—even when it’s truthful. A better answer may be, "I don't remember the exact information right now, but I'm committed to getting the right help and the right process in place so that I can remember the details. I also commit to sharing any and all information I do remember as we get immediate help to start this healing process." Ask what author Esther Perel, MA, LMFT, calls Investigative Questions, especially if your mate says they can't remember. Not being able to remember certain answers won't prevent them from answering the questions below, and it will create the opportunity for the unfaithful spouse to share what they are feeling. You can read a full list of these questions here: Esther Perel's Investigative Questions for Couples Experiencing Infidelity. I've posted just a few below: What did the affair mean to you? Did you feel entitled to your affair? Why do you think you could not express your needs to me: emotional, intellectual or sexual? Did you ever get to a point where you felt you were losing yourself or felt torn and confused? Did you ever worry that your affair would destroy our relationship? What was it like for you to lie? Do you think I have a say in it? Did you want to leave me or was the affair just an addition to us? A word of caution, the WHY will be much more difficult for both of you than the WHAT. Therefore, we've written a series called Why Did They Cheat?. As you are working through why the infidelity happened, it is important to remember the necessity of safety in the recovery process. For the betrayed party to feel safe, there must be signs of genuine empathy. Without truly working to understand the depth of your mate's pain, all attempts at reconnecting will appear hollow or self-serving. Rebuilding trust after such a heavy blow will never be easy, but the good news is you don't have to have trust to rebuild a relationship. In the meantime, you can replace trust with a whole lot of honesty and a whole lot of empathy. Unfaithful partners, these two gestures will go further than you may realize to soothe the deep soul-wound that infidelity has inflicted on your mate. If you are not sure where to start or how to develop empathy, please consider joining a group in Hope for Healing, our course for unfaithful partners. You'll be in a safe, encouraging atmosphere with a group leader and several other unfaithful partners who will walk the 17-week journey with you. There is hope for healing! Hope for Healing Registration Soon! Space Is Limited! Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. Over the years, this 17-week, small group course has helped thousands of people find hope, set healthy boundaries and move toward extraordinary lives. "I just finished Hope for Healing and am proud of the changes that I already feel in myself and my marriage. I found Affair Recovery when I was at the darkest point in my life, and this course has helped me to get myself on a true path to recovery." - S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant. Spaces fill up quickly for this course. To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. Subscribe to Registration Notifications! Vaughan, Peggy. Help for Therapist and their Clients: Report of Survey on Extramarital Affairs. Dear Peggy. n.d. Web. 07 July 2014. Sections: Must ReadNewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Find HopeFor The Hurt SpouseFor the Unfaithful SpouseHandling DiscoveryRecovery FundamentalsStrengthening MarriageRL_Media Type: Text
