Why Couples Fail After an Affair | Part 1 - Not Knowing What Happened

I knew of my wife's one-night stand 33 years ago, confronted her, which at that time she supposedly stopped the affair. Two years ago, I mentioned in a conversation with her of the telephone calls I was getting with nobody on the other end. This also took place 33 years ago. After a couple of days of agonizing, she told me , that back then, she had a long-term affair ( 8 months ) with a different person . This was also stopped when I caught her after her one-night affair.
I am still with her. The reason why is because in the mid-'80s Texas was in terrible shape, it was very hard for me to make a living. I felt she strayed because happiness was in very short supply and I had let her down. Those economic conditions were never repeated for me. However,
although we went to a marriage counselor, we never really discussed what happened in a one-on-one conversation or were there other affairs that I did not know about. I am constantly thinking of what I did wrong but afraid to approach her to have the honest conversation that we need to have. I love my wife and would never leave her, but I would like to know the whole truth. Its is time.

Oh my word this sounds so familiar...14 months past d-day..same,same attitude!

My situation was a little different, but similar. My need to know was so great that I told my husband that he had to leave if he continued to lie to me. I sent him the name of my lawyer, told him to make an appointment at his convenience and that he could have anything in the house he wanted for his new place. Granted, this was 5 months after D-day. I was not able to get past a certain point because his story wasn't adding up with me. We had even seen two different marriage counselors and I felt like while we were civil to each other and enjoyed some good times together, that him not being totally honest (to my satisfaction) made no point in trying to rebuild a marriage on a foundation of lies. That was my deal breaker. Don't get me wrong, I did worry he would call the lawyer, but at the same time I had made up my mind that whatever the outcome I would win. Win by being free of a lying cheater that had no remorse for his actions and only considered his own pain in all of this. Or win by being free to work on myself, go where I pleased without question and find myself again. The burning question, " did he disclose ?". The answer is yes. I wrote down all my questions beforehand, just in case he would disclose and I went down the line and wrote the answers down. I didn't judge and I thanked him afterwards. He had to admit that he even felt better after being honest. Things are getting better slowly, but as long as I see progress it's doable. My advise to you would be to not torture yourself. I felt like my husband owed it to me to at least come clean. Find out what your deal breaker is and decide if you want to push the button or continue to be in so much pain. Either way, good luck and take extra good care of yourself. Believe me, focusing more on yourself let's them see that life does not revolve around them. Take back your power! Love yourself first.....

I don't know you, but I am so sorry for your pain. I can feel it through your words. I too was betrayed. I think you are very brave and have fought to save your marriage, but I'm glad that you have realized that you don't deserve the bad treatment from your spouse and have decided to leave him in order to be at peace. Perhaps you walking away will make him understand that your needs are legitimate and will finally give you what you need or perhaps he won't. But at least you will be free and can start to remake your life. I wish you the best.

Hi, I came accross your story today and I'm going through the same thing. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and I was wondering if you ended up leaving him after all and how it's been?

I have been feeling like I am losing my mind, reading this though has made me realise that what I am feeling is normal and I’m not crazy, my partner also refuses to tell me what happened even simple questions as to when it started and ended? I now realise it’s not for my good but his own good.
I don’t know if I have as much strength as u have to leave as for me it has been 2yrs and I am so more dependent on him as my anxiety and depression increase from the lack of communication and healing. I now feel guilty having these thoughts and feelings still as I have been told countless times to move on and get over it as in my partners words the affair is over. How is life for you now, did u go back have you been able to heal better without you partner?

Okay, mine's a little different... Supposedly, nothing ACTUALLY happened. Left my husband at a friends party (they have a guest room) He attempted, my friend says she shut him down. She's the one who disclosed. I confronted him, but have always been bothered by how it all went down. He says he doesn't remember anything and when I relayed the details I was told, his reply was "If that's what she says happened" . No admission. No details. But his easy acceptance of, what I would describe as out-of-character behavior, coupled with his immediate proposal of going to therapy... makes me think he does, in fact, remember quite a bit. Does that seem like a normal response? or does that seem fishy to you?

Today is 3 years for my D-day. Unfortunately he has not been honest, upfront, or even truthful. I have heard that I need to get over it more than I can count. He says he doesn’t want to be punished his whole life. But he still won’t tell me much of anything. Everything is I don’t know. Or he gets angry with me for asking and leaves. There’s never been any type of closure. It still gives me anxiety and panic attacks. I hope it gets better for you. But the truth is you have to decide if you can live without knowing or if it is a deal breaker.

At the time you wrote that there is a good chance it was not over. Which of you read this blog and watch their YouTube videos is 100000% normal. It’s actually abnormal in most cases for it to be over as soon as you know. That’s why he may have been acting that way. ( been there )he may have been in the middle of trying to end it with the other woman and his head was not in the right space to start rebuilding your life together while that is going on ... I see it’s been a few months now for you. As unfair as this will sound ...He needs time to process that he did this, time to really let it sink in that you know, that you’re in a type of pain that he cannot understand. He may say hurtful things about getting over it and so on, but he doesn’t know what he is saying ... no one can understand what’s happening in your brain now unless they have experienced it.. and he has to navigate that while trying to not make this any worse for you (therefore not inviting new information which he knows = hurting you) but he eventually will get more comfortable giving details as time goes by. Especially if you uncover more things he, has no choice but to explain. But it’s important to remember 2 things. One he feels terrible. No question. Also, time will make him more comfortable giving you information. Make sure you are always coming from a place of hurt not trying to make him feel crappy (which is hard and I fail at that a lot) ...And you WILL find more peace the more you know believe it or not And that brings me to something I’m learning. I dont know if I hate the AP (I never met her and have had limited exchanges with her via text/ social media.) My biggest problem ( I think ) was the secrecy/ betrayal (by my spouse )between my spouse and AP. That gave her so much power over me I felt (which naturally made me incredibly insecure).However the more he told me, that she never told me when I reached out... took the power (that gave me insecurities) our of their secret exchanges and moments alone away from them (because it is no longer something just for them, he has willingly disclosed something that wasn’t meant for you to know. That’s massive ! As for the AP I feel she needed to have secrets with my husband and she felt that gave her relationship with my husband meaning and importance, as I would ask for info and tell her what I knew and there would be little to no addition by her. So! By my husband taking the mystery out of their time alone together ( that she’s clearly needed to feel important) I feel like he is invalidating his relationship with her little by little time after time we discuss what happened. You WILL not get the entire story immediately. Not 3 months in or 9 or in a year .. so don’t think you know it all when he says that’s all of it .. Im saying that to help you not frustrate you. He doesn’t want to hurt you, because he didn’t want to give you a hundred reasons to leave me him. I truly believe that’s why he’s avoiding answering things. He sees what he says putting you thru. If he’s there he wants to be. Even if he says he’s tired of it all on certain days. You both will feel like giving up. A lot. But there will come a breaking point for him. He will more than say he gets the hurt he has caused you will know he loves you and you are his queen. My issue is trying to understand Is that it’s not still happening. And the things that caused the trauma (which you are experiencing a severe emotional trauma) are over. I don’t know where you stand currently, if you have decided to stay I hope things are at least ok, and if you didn’t stay it’s really hard and honestly just saying ok I will try is a huge step forward. So good luck either way.

@womaninchaos, my situation/relationship is similar in nature to yours. I have moved around and followed my spouse around the world, leaving behind the majority of what and who I appreciated and loved, while settling for an orderly and routine life from my early twenties. I now know that halfway through what I thought was a marriage, he's paid for multiple sex partners, met up with them in a variety of hotels, some married and unmarried, some strippers, escorts, message techs(brothels), prostitutes, some he met through social media outlets such as Facebook, telegrams, reddit, Instagram, discord, etc. I will say, the funding was different, he opened a secret account that went to his parents house so the funds couldn't be traced. As for spending money, we had what we wanted but looking back and realizing how much money was wasted, I knew this was a serious addiction and the results of a damaged person.

My experience of him protecting the random females was demonstrated by his comments of not wanting to confront or have conversations with any of them with me present, even during a phone call or zoom chat. I realize his preservation of self because he does not want discuss his disgusting and inappropriate behavior. He currently gets angry when I remind him that he stole money from his family to pay for cheap sexual favors from females and has lost his integrity as person. I am currently angry because of his inability to peel back layers, take responsibility, and express true remorse. I hear I am sorry more times then I care to acknowledge, but his selfish behaviors still occur so I have yet to experience any empathy.

One another note, you should not compete with the females twenty or any other age, they putting themselves up for sale on the worldwide dark web for anyone to rent or purchase and the way I see it no self respecting woman would do these things. That said, as soon as I learned of his infidelity, I knew it had nothing to do with me. I knew I was overly committed to what I thought were our future goals and plans. So, even now, I do not blame myself. I do wonder why, and how he could throw away 24 years of what we build and what could have been for desperate and broken sh**t in the street. Fact is, all they are really interested in is finding someone to show them attention, fix their childhood traumas, purchase the newest designer bag, accumulate likes or hearts, and hope that one of the males they have acquired will allow them to live a life of being taken care of and having no real financial responsibilities and to feel that they are wanted.

That said, I only stay for a few reasons; we have children, I am finishing my PhD, and finally, my values remind me that "I" committed to my spouse for my lifetime. Don't get me wrong there are times where I think about walking away and creating a new healthy home for my children and then I think but WHY?? Why should I up-route myself and my children? The problem is NOT YOU, the problem is that he allowed his childhood trauma and selfishness to destroy your sacred union and family unit.

Understand that you do not deserve to experience the hateful words he uses and perhaps your ability to put him out might encourage him to change. I will say, I too have heard I also hear nothing but lies and childish digs. I asked why didn't you just leave me, that would have been far easier to cope with. His response, was I never intended to leave you for any of them, it was just for fun, they made me feel important, and heard. My response was, sorry your parents didn't teach you how to value yourself and be a committed husband. That said, he no longer holds the title of husband from my mouth because a faithful, committed, and truly loving HUSBAND regardless of good times or bad will love and respect their wife the same if not more than they do themselves.

In closing, remember that you deserve to be treated with both love and respect. You did nothing wrong! His sexual flaws are no reflection of you. You are not alone and you will make it through this horrible and painful experience. Thank you for sharing, try to keep your spirits up as much as you can!!