Transcript:

Rick:
When it comes to sexuality, what do you see as one of the biggest barriers or hurdles women face in knowing and enjoying their sexuality?

Laurie:
I think there's a lot, because it's so complex. Humans are complex. Women are complex.

I think fundamentally, there is a mixed message of who we are and what we are supposed to do. We might face challenges that make it hard to understand that there isn't a "right" or "perfect" way. Rather, we get to just "be." Exploring our self-expression, including our sexuality, can be liberating. But because of either what's happened to us or what's happened in our marriage, there's this damage that's been done and we struggle. We feel guilty. We feel responsible.

I see one of the issues as the battle within the woman. They work really hard. They are working. They are mothers. They are in recovery. So many women are typically the workhorses—in life and in relationships.

In infidelity, whether they're unfaithful or betrayed, they take recovery very seriously. And I love that. But do we sit back and honestly ask ourselves: What am I supposed to be? I believe that we're sexual beings from birth. We want this freedom and this genuine authenticity, but we struggle because we are also consumed with who needs what and how do we navigate it all.

I see women all the time who are asking these kinds of questions.

Rick:
In this journey, what is it that women need to discover? And how do you get to that place where you can resolve those issues and be free?

Laurie:
There's an old Harriet Lerner quote that comes to mind, and I am paraphrasing. Before we can offer a relationship to someone else, we need to figure out our relationship with ourselves.

Who are we and what is the belief system we have been living under? Where is there shame? Where has there been damage in our life? Where have we inaccurately expressed ourselves? Where have we inaccurately seen ourselves?

These are important questions to ask so that we can get back to who we truly are. This idea that I have to be something, or I'm supposed to be something under the weight of my troubled marriage, that's hard.

Rick:
What resource do you recommend for people? There's counseling obviously. But what other resources do you recommend for women?

Laurie:
I begin with the encouragement to just start being curious. We certainly have books, videos, and other resources like this. But let's begin to ask questions and learn that it's okay to get curious. If you're familiar with attachment work, where issues can stem from a person's past, I think it's good to start asking questions here, including questions about sexual attachment. We don't always think in those terms. So many times, me included, we want to think of being sexual as in the act of intercourse itself. It's not just that. It's asking: What were the messages you grew up with? What did you hear? What did you understand? What did you see and observe about yourself sexually? Was there a sexual relationship that influenced you? We will start there, even if it's before the age of 10!

A lot of times when we do that, we can identify experiences that directly influenced body image, our relationship with food, sexual dysfunctions, etc. It doesn't always come easily because women are complex. But with this as a starting point, we can usually get a sense of what resources we need to go to so we can really see ourselves accurately. For some, they need to be convinced that it's okay (and healthy) to talk about sex.

So, a lot of times in my office, I will say, "We're going to go back to fifth grade." or "We are going to allow ourselves to sweat, and we are going to have the awkward conversation." We want to learn to talk about it and that it's okay to talk about it.

Rick:
Thank you for sharing, Laurie. It's not a topic we talk about enough. I appreciate your insights. Hopefully, this is a blessing to some people who see it.

To Healing.