Is my spouse a narcissist?

It's a valid question.

After a longstanding pattern (sometimes years) of acting-out behavior with affairs, pornography, and sexual encounters, this is a normal question for any betrayed partner to be asking.

On occasion, I have been asked directly from someone who has had an affair, "Am I a narcissist?"

Unfortunately, there is no DNA sample or blood test that can give you an answer to this question. Even the most qualified psychologists and therapists can weigh in with their opinions, yet they are not the ones who live the life you live and experience what you do day after day.

Most likely, if you are asking this question, you are really asking if there is any hope for your mate or for your relationship. It's easy to think that if you are able to identify or name a pattern of behavior over time, that will help you know how to move forward.

So is there hope? How do you know the behavior you're seeing is something that can be changed?

When someone is unfaithful, whether it's affairs, pornography use, or one-night stands, all secret sexual behavior has to do with that person leaving their committed relationship to get what they want. It is not only selfish, but it is entirely self-serving and contrary to what we consider as love.

With that being said, unfaithful spouses can often exhibit some narcissistic behaviors without qualifying as a true pathological narcissist who is incapable of having a secure and safe relationship.

There are many books and articles on this subject which I'll link at the end, but here is a short, certainly not exhaustive, list of what truly identifies narcissistic behavior:

1. Those individuals with narcissistic behavior are literally unable to say they are sorry.
2. When confronted, they often get really angry and refuse to take responsibility.
3. They often do not have deep and lasting friendships. They may have a lot of acquaintances, but not people who deeply know them.
4. They are unable to find or keep a therapist for more than a few months.
5. They have a very inflated sense of themselves and often feel the rules don't apply to them.
6. They often have a very low threshold for discomfort or confrontation. They will act one way in public or in front of others and often act very differently with their mate at home.
7. They have a pattern of cutting conversations off when they are uncomfortable or angry, including hanging up on people.
8. They are incapable of the ability to show true and deep empathy for others. Rarely will they display an ability to show genuine tears or remorse for their actions. (Please note: genuine.)
9. There is a pattern of turning their own behavior back on you. (For example, if they are controlling, they will often tell you that you are being controlling. Or if they are caught in a lie, they will defend by telling you that you are the one that is lying.)

As human beings, if we typically see someone show sadness, a healthy and well-adjusted response would be for us to be able to mirror and feel sadness too. Something is very off if we see someone crying and we find ourselves feeling nothing. This could be an indicator that the emotions the person in front of us is trying to express aren't true.

We want you to figure out what it means to not only be a safe and secure person, but also to be in a safe and secure relationship. If you are constantly feeling crazy, then something is definitely off. You need to pay attention to that.

I applaud you for doing the work and for asking the hard questions. It's helpful to try to identify what may be happening. However, this is not something you will be able to answer quickly nor will you figure it out without the help and insight of others.

I recommend attending one of our in-person EMS Weekends. They are led by an experienced team that can help you and your spouse navigate these difficult conversations.

To Healing.

Some books I recommend on the topic of narcissism are listed below.

The book Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't* by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend is a classic, simple read on the concept of what it looks like for a relationship to be safe.

Another one of the oldest but most basic books on narcissism (there are hundreds out there today) is Enough About You, Let's Talk About Me: How to Recognize and Manage the Narcissists in Your Life* by Dr. Les Carter.

When You're the One Who Cheats: Ten Things You Need To Know*, Dr. Tammy Nelson is a comprehensive list of good questions to ask to help identify what patterns of behavior are at play in your relationships.