Rick, It will be three years since full-disclosure next month (re: my husband's affair and sexual addiction). We are doing great, thanks to a lot of help from you, AR and other recovery resources. Sexually I still struggle to *feel*, be present and connect emotionally (during sex). I just don't know what else to try, it's like a battle between my conscious and unconscious self. I've even been trying the "eyes open sex" and nothing. :-( I know I am safe (as safe as anyone can be), I know I am loved --- so why is a part of me still getting in the way of me being "all in". I still am fighting some ways I avoid emotional intimacy just in day to day interactions too? :-(

I've been trying to understand shame for three years. Can you give some examples? How do you know if it's an issue for you? I've read enough about it but I'm unable to compute. It seems obvious in some people who display it with the classic signs. What about those who don't appear to be shameful, but have it buried?

Can you explain again how you can have an addiction but not be an addict?

I found out a week ago my husband has been having an affair for the last 6 months. He left because he wasn't sure he wanted to end the relationship with his affair partner. He came back the next evening , saying since I was willing to forgive him he was willing to try to work things out. He said her told her that and couldn't have contact wth her anymore. Ever since then he has been extremely disengaged and depressed. I understand he is grieving the loss of his AP, but he still has had contact with her. I have been asking him and he has been honest with me. He told me she texted him once asking what to expect as far as my reaction, more or less if I was going to out her. And he called her yesterday to see if she safely landed in Florida on a trip. Am I suppose to give him time to end this relationship and completely disengage? I know it will take time for him to get over her, he claims he loves her. Should I give him time or tell him he needs to leave if he can't cut all ties with her? And if he really agrees to cut all ties how long do I give him to grieve and be disengaged with me?

My husband confessed he fell in love with his AP that he had a relationship with for over 6 months. He moved out about 5 weeks and is closer to her. Last week he told me and his family they both decided to end the relationship after I informed them I was exposing the affair. My question is if my husband has/had such strong feelings for the AP (love) how do I reconnect with him if he truly ended the affair? He was been torn on what to do since our D-day and asked to keep communications going so he could reconnect with me. He has gone back and forth for the last 6 weeks. What and how do I reconnect when he lives separately?

Hi Rick, I wrote in a few weeks ago concerning communication and how to talk through temptation, etc between me and my husband going forward. He has dealt with pornography and lying for our 7 year marriage. I also mentioned that we were in the midst of a meltdown about whether or not a double take is a sin. We are still working through your response and will likely have a follow up question, but for the time being I am just feeling plain discouraged. Deeply discouraged. I had 2 very heavy reminders of Steve's past pornography/objectification issue - on Saturday we took my daughter to her first swim lesson and the other mom in the group was basically naked with everything hanging out. I felt mortified and beyond uncomfortable and knew Steve was tempted to look at her if he wasn't already doing so. Meanwhile I felt like a big fat loser despite the fact that I'm very committed to looking nice since we had our baby. Then on Sunday we went to church and Steve was holding Grace our baby in the back of the service to let me have a rest. The sermon was on marriage and the pastor had just gotten married and was estatic about his wife, and then when I went back to get Grace I saw several really beautiful women standing in front of Steve who I know he was tempted to look at if he didn't just go ahead and do so. It put me into such a dark, sad place...honestly Rick I can't stand not feeling beautiful around my husband. Other husbands compliment their wives in public and you can tell they are really into their wife. Meanwhile OTHER men are complimenting me in public and Steve barely even notices me. He later told me that sometimes he struggles with spending time thinking about me due to how all his past sin has affected his mind but that he's trying. He will eek out a compliment that sounds super forced here and there...it is so discouraging. This weekend was such a low and yesterday I found myself feeling that I don't know how I will be able to stay in this marriage. Honestly! It's hard to describe the level of sadness and discouragement and feelings of deep dislike I feel torwards Steve. If you have any thoughts I'd appreciate it. Thanks Rick