Hi Rick these questions are from my spouse:

Can you ask Rick these questions for me?

1. I am struggling with how to explain to my wife that when I was having my affairs, in person with the AP’s my feelings somewhat numbed out. I was still having an erection and able to reach orgasm, however I remember it as if I was not really there. I was moving, yes, concious, yes, but not happy, not excited, not enjoying it. I feel attraction when a woman gives me attention, I seek women’s appreciation and attention. When I was single, travelling for work, my sexual arousal was not a problem as long as I kept acting out watching porn, or reading sexual stories. But when it comes to person to person, I feel a great deal of guilt. Is that sufficient to numb me out, or to cause disassociation? Is it denial? My fantasy world is arousing, if I stay behind a screen, I can feel the arousal. It just vanishes in numbness when I am about to switch from a “virtual” world to the real approach.

2. I have been caught being unfaithful almost four years ago, and my wife and I have been to seminars, programs, meetings, etc. At some point, while she was still doing her recovery, successfully, I thought I was fine, that my past was over and with it so were my bad sexual behaviors. Slowly I begin to groom women, telling myself nothing was going to happen, and the guilt that was bulding up was such that confessing was not an option anymore. I had to hide it. But then when the opportunity comes again I choose to entertain flirting and grooming conversations via text or call, or in person, including sexting and make-outs. My wife confessed everything to me when she was tempted or slipped, she was honest, and that would make me want to hide even more. But just like in a circle, I would go back to the sexting or the grooming, believing I could handle it, minimizing it, and feeling the numbness of the high that comes from it. How do I explain to my wife the hiding, and the fear of confession, even if I had been informed about relapse? She believes I hide it because I wanted it, because the affair escalated and I then started watching porn again too (hiding that also).