How to Remain Stuck If there is one thing we have learned through this mess that we have to keep going back to each year, it’s the concept of prioritization. No, this is not going to be a self-help post, or a menial approach to six steps to peace, etc. etc. It’s more about seeing the world and seeing the situation through the right lens of prioritization.Let’s face it. My affair, and possibly yours, happened due in large part to me making everything else, and everyone else, a priority except my spouse. Work came first, people’s needs came first, my affair partner came first, and even my kids came first. Samantha was dead last in terms of genuine concern, focus and attentiveness. My boss and his family even had priority over her in many ways.When we allow life to get in the way now days, Samantha and I have to be very intentional on doing our personal checklist. It goes like this:1. How are we (Samantha and I) doing?2. Everything else…….Don’t lose me in the sarcasm, but the fact is, if we’re doing OK, we can get through anything and everything. If we’re not doing OK, all else is going to be hard and a challenge and probably make things worse. So WE need to be OK first, and if we’re not, we need to get help, and clarity, or time, or a date, or into a much needed difficult conversation maybe, and then all else will get in line, even the kids.If you want recovery to blow up in your face make something else more important than both your spouse and recovery, as it will only remind your hurt spouse of how much you’ve hurt them and violated them. Or, if you want your betrayed spouse to give up and remain stuck, continue to make him or her 2nd priority.Or, if you want your unfaithful spouse to feel hopeless and helpless, respond to none of their efforts and continue to immerse yourself everywhere else, as eventually they will give up and give in to frustration and hopelessness. Sure it’s their fault the affair happened, however if you both are working on saving the marriage, or if you are attempting to pursue recovery, it must be the priority right now.The fact is, our spouse must take priority in our lives and if they are not, it will reveal itself with more and more pain and hurt and keep you both stuck. What has helped us more than I can describe, is talking heart to heart with Samantha and reminding her, even 8 years later, “How are we doing?”It snaps us both back into shape and proper perspective and causes us to prioritize everything else in our life. When we do this, we are then a united front for financial matters, issues with the kids, fear of the future, or just normal everyday life with three kids.I hope you’ll try this and make it a practice in your life of recovery.If I can ever help, please let me know.
