If we are on either side of infidelity, I probably don’t need to tell you there will be pain and disorientation. In the heart of the betrayed however, the hurt will be like none other. Alternatively, with incredible respect for the betrayed, I’m not sure that there will be more dysfunctional disorientation and confusion than in the mind of the unfaithful. They have lost their way, lost their compass, and many would say, lost their mind.

It’s in this cauldron of confusion we make the mistake of letting our hurt set the agenda of our lives. When we let raw emotion, pain and rage set the agenda, we will more than likely make decisions and ultimatums we both may live to regret. The unfaithful will possibly continue to pursue the affair partner, as they want to be affirmed, loved, cared for and seemingly worshipped by the fantasy life. The betrayed will possibly lash out and make decisions or even compromises about the future that she or he may also regret, further complicating the restoration process. Before you can blink an eye, both spouses are adrift in a sea of hurt, and as long as hurt is in charge, it’s going to be a rough ride with almost no certainty at all.

The voice of hurt and the temptation to reason and respond out of that hurt is almost greater than any man or woman’s ability to fight off or resist. Even if you’re further down the road in recovery, if we are hurt by our spouse and respond out of that hurt, we exacerbate the situation and seldom produce any form of togetherness in the moment. It takes someone acting out of love and wisdom to short circuit this process.  Someone has to drive a stake in the ground and get help from an objective source, who can help you take back the power, rather than surrendering it to hurt.

More specifically, if we are going to have anyone set the agenda, it should be a proven recovery process. An objective, reliable plan that although won’t fix everything, will help to ward off hurt-inspired decisions both spouse’s will live to regret. It takes the wiser, rational spouse (usually the betrayed spouse) to be the one who stands their ground and refuses to allow raw hurt and pain to run the show. Without this sort of plan, hurt, pain and anger run the agenda and when we respond purely out of that anger, nobody wins.

Please keep in mind, this is no easy task. You’ll need help, and you’ll need community. This site is wonderful help for all of these needs. Having gone through this myself, I too let hurt rule my decisions for a while. It doesn’t have to be that way my friends. I can’t find the right words to say that I know in great detail the agony that infidelity creates. But take courage today, there is hope and there is a plan. I hope and pray you’ll find the courage to take some sort of action today. If I can help, please let me know.