I’ll never forget a lunch I was having with a couple who eventually became like mentors to Samantha and I.  Samantha wasn’t there but I was venting a bit and talking to them very openly about my anger and bitterness and unmet needs which I felt led to the affair in the first place. 

They listened and graciously I might add.  I say graciously, as the fact is, I’m not quite sure how they stomached my deception and lunacy.  But finally, he had had enough add said, “Samuel, are you done yet?”

Laughingly I said, “Oh, yes, I’m sorry” and chuckled. 

It was at this moment that he led me by the hand and took me to the proverbial woodshed of sobriety and awareness of what an idiot (to put it lightly) I was being.  The one phrase I remember him saying to me, that to this day continues to echo in my heart and mind, is “Samuel, I think sometimes you have absolutely no clue what you’ve done to your wife by your choices.”

I was speechless.  I was stunned.  I was caught.  Finally, someone (who had had an affair 20 years before) had finally found a way to get to me and get behind my facade and confront me in my own self-deception.

Both during the affair, and for a short time after, I had always believed that I was wrong yet justified in my affair as Samantha wasn’t meeting my needs and was continuing to reject me and ignore me.  All the while, my affair partner celebrated me, cherished me, applauded me, and wanted me 24/7. 

Never mind the fact that Samantha was at home having babies while I counseled, traveled and spoke many times three days a week at night, and was gone for several days at a time.  Never mind also that my schedule was all about others and all about myself (while Samantha took care of the kids and was many times alone) or being comforted by the affair partner who had grown to be part of our family and identical to a nanny for our kids.  I could go on but I think you get the point of the stupidity and dysfunction of it all.

I was deceived to say the least. 

But finally, someone who had been through it before, and seen their marriage restored, had the guts and the grace to confront me and help me see how stupid I had been and was continuing to be.  Just because the affair was out in the open, and over, didn’t mean I was healthy at all. I was still a prisoner of my own stupidity and self-deception.  It wasn’t until someone like him finally told me the truth and started the landside of truth which would slowly but surely enter my heart and mind and change me forever. 

I’d encourage you today, if you’re an unfaithful spouse, to find someone who you can trust, who has you and your spouse’s best interest at heart.  If you can’t find a friend like that, find a professional here at Affair Recovery, or a group leader or a course, and get some real time help which will be in the overall best interest of all parties, not just yours.  Have the courage to admit, whether betrayed or betrayer, to admit you probably have some deception lurking deep down in your heart and get the right kind of help for you, now.