Recently Samantha and I were doing some “Vision Casting” in regards to the next season of our marriage and family. It’s been a great two month exercise, but last night we hit a point where we began to talk about our past and how it has shaped our marriage and life, now, almost 8 years later. The question was in regards to joy, pure joy in life as of a result of choices and life changing events and ultimately we came to the question of why people cheat?

I can tell you, I’ve made some choices that have wreaked havoc upon my life and countless others. I regret so many of those choices and their indelible mark on so many. Through much therapy and infidelity specific help, I’ve have come to be able to forgive myself, as well as others that affected my decision making process. But prior to my fall, the joy in my life was minimal. I’m not at all saying that lack of joy is why people cheat. It’s simply not the totality of the issue. Early in my marriage, I was truly overjoyed at my marriage and the birth of my three kids. There were also several moments of joy with friends and what not, but honestly, nothing comparing to the joy that occupies my life now.

It’s been said happiness is due to circumstances going right, while joy is due to our outlook, faith, and quality of hope. Even after losing so much due to my selfishness, there has been a joy to my life I never, ever saw coming: especially after the destruction that resulted after my affair became public. In many ways the why people cheat question is answered with an understanding of how deep the rabbit hole goes, as they say. In order to cheat we have to lie to ourselves time and time again to justify our actions, and ease the guilt. If we just accepted how dysfunctional our choices are, and how selfish we are, and how confused and self absorbed we are, we’d probably crumble at the guilt of it and find ourselves barely able to function.

Coming up from the ashes of our marriage, finances, relationships and overall security has taught Samantha and I so much about joy in life. Though we have several difficulties in life even as I write this, I’m convinced my complete and utter failure has been used to teach us what is important in life and how to rest in a joyful hope. A hope not in my own strength or power, but a hope which has been born out of allowing our relationship to be tried, tested, obliterated and restored.

Restoration is absolutely possible. For those that have found restoration and reconciliation with themselves and quite possibly their spouse, I’m quite confident you have found (or are finding) a joy that is not as of a result of circumstances or financial security, but a renewed perspective and redeemed hope in what is truly important and vital in life and in our hearts.