Many times during our discussions early on in the recovery process, even after we met Rick by the way, anger was a normal part of our lives.  We were smart to never let it fully unleash in front of the kids who were pretty young at the time, but it was there:  simmering….waiting for a chance to manifest.

It wasn’t uncommon for me to get angry when Samantha wanted to talk about it.  I didn’t always show it, but internally, I was about to burst.  I don’t know if anger was the most definitive term, but perhaps better, more descriptive words would be short, trite and borderline uncooperative. 

I genuinely felt terrible about what I did.  I felt like I was a complete failure and had let down so many, including myself.  Let’s face it; I did let down an incredibly long list of people, starting first with my wife, then a litany of other caring individuals who suffered immensely due to my selfish choices.

My anger was in many ways due to how angry I was at myself, for failing.  I was also angry at Samantha as early on, I was deceived enough to think that if she had just been a better wife I’d have never done what I did.  That if she’d been more attentive to my needs, then maybe I wouldn’t have fell for the advances of my affair partner and not have needed what she was giving me.  Like we talked about last time with regard to shame, many times I was yelling at myself, though I was yelling verbally at Samantha.  A colossal mistake indeed. 

Yet, as I got healthy, and got the right kind of help, I was able to see that Samantha would never have been enough due to how self-absorbed I was and that no amount of attention or affection would have satisfied the gaping hole I had in my heart for security. 

Nevertheless, I was angry at what I was having to go through, due to my own choices and I was angry that I had put myself in this position.  Looking back, one of the manliest things I could have done, (and I did start doing after I came to my senses a bit and listened to Rick) was the list below:

1.      Humble myself.  I had to realize, I had committed this great act of selfishness and the best thing I could do was take it, suffer the consequences, pray hard and draw close to God and accept what was coming my way.  I had done it, and I had to suffer the consequences.  It was NO ONE ELSE’S FAULT.  Just mine. 

2.      I had to give permission to Samantha to be angry.  Not literally, as she has her own rights, but I mean in my own posture and in my own mind, I had to understand, she has the right, all rights, to be as angry as can be, and be bitter and grieve.  I had no right to be angry at her for being angry at my failure and betrayal.  I had to give her that right in my own mind, as then I couldn’t get defensive about the anger or bitterness or questions, but realize she deserves to be angry and she deserves to lash out.  I’ve betrayed her in so many ways I’ll never be able to realize and she deserves and has the right to do whatever she needs to do to heal and eventually get beyond this pain and trauma.

3.      I had to accept the fact that I had failed and that I blew it.  It was a dark moment, but I had to realize I had in fact, betrayed my wife and altered her life and thousands of others due to my choices.  Yet, as one author says, failure is an event not a person.  I had to in turn, forgive myself, and realize I still had value, and still had worth and still had purpose.  Life was not over for me.  Though I didn’t know it, or understand what was going to happen, I had to allow myself to embrace the failure and realize it was OK to go on, enjoy my kids, do my best to enjoy time with Samantha and still hate what I did.  I had to realize, no one was going to move forward for me, and though I had to grieve for what I did and what I lost due to my own choices, I still had to move on in life and pursue the next season and chapter of my future. 

I hope this encourages you and gives you some perspective.  If I can clarify anything or provide any further insight, please feel free to let me know.