What is a Love Addiction? Early on in recovery, I was so angry at my husband for suggesting I have a love addiction. I am so ashamed to think of how prideful I can be. In my mind, a woman with a so-called love addiction had serious issues. I had a stereotype in my head that this would be a woman constantly on dating sites, wearing clothing from Victoria's Secret, or someone completely out of control. This was not me. I was a mom for crying out loud. I drive a minivan. I carpool. I go to church. I was married. I dress conservatively and I have never once been on an internet site that had anything to do with dating or sex. I insistently denied any possibility that this could be me. Insert God, growth, time, and humility into the picture. I think this is me. I have found something in common between me and the other women I have walked with who have had more than one affair; we have a pretty low self-esteem underneath our façade. We can be very warm, energetic even, but also very impulsive. We easily confused care and concern for genuine love or intimacy. The saying "boys use love to get sex and girls use sex to get love" has a grain of truth for us. Stereotypical and generalizing for sure, but let me explain. I know for me, since I was very young, boys offered me something I never learned how to give myself. Attention, approval, and acceptance. If a boy liked me, it must have meant I mattered and I was beautiful. It was exciting to discover this power that seemed to erase my doubt and insecurity. So began the craving. . . And what to do when a boy stopped liking me or I them? Move onto the next one. Keep the excitement going. I lived with a distracted heart that was always searching for the next thing to fill it. If you think you may have a love addiction, don't despair. After all, it is only a term. It is not who God created us to be. Now that you're starting to identify it, be curious and start to look at what it means. I can no longer afford to be disillusioned by my own depravity and choices I've made in the past. I think I have a love addiction. I have a very compulsive and addictive personality. Thank goodness no one ever offered me cocaine. But food? Yep. I battled anorexia and then bulimia for years. Alcohol? Another yes. I was always too prideful to ever consider myself an alcoholic but it definitely was a substance I used in both of my affairs to escape pain and justify my behavior. (The two nights I was physical with my AP's were nights I drank heavily). Rick Reynold's has written several articles if you want to read more about love addiction: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/affair-why-did-they-cheat-part-three-do-they-have-an-addiction? Could this be you? If so, I encourage you not to shy away from the diagnosis like I did. (My repulsion to the idea should have been a warning sign to me that it had everything to do with me). I have found individual counseling to be immensely helpful. Seeing the lack of proper attachment growing up in my family has shown me why I have always been on a search for intimacy in all of the wrong places. I know I have a very addictive personality. Instead of denying that part of me, I am coming to terms with it. I once read that an addict needs shame like a thirsty man needs salt water. Looking at the roots of my shame allows me to focus more on the why's behind my tendencies and behaviors. Group work has also been beyond helpful. Hope for Healing women's groups are full of some pretty broken yet amazing women trying to figure this out. When you get to meet other folks who struggle in the same ways, quite a bit of healing can happen through comradery and compassion. If you are the betrayed and you don't even know who your spouse has become, first off, I'm really sorry. This may be their issue. In the scope of God's big story, I see how broken I have been by misusing my sexuality. I have used the divine beauty God gave me as a woman and used that for attention to fill a void by men that only God could fill. It breaks my heart to think of me giving my sexuality away so early in my life. Part of it may have been taken from you too soon as well, and I hope you find the courage to talk about that in a safe place. I didn't, for years. In my silence, shame told me that I was nothing more than damaged goods, so I might as well offer those broken leftovers to whoever wants it. That deeply grieves and saddens me to not see, live or love from a place of being worth so much more.I know this is a confusing topic. I realize everyone's story is unique and it gets messy any time we throw around labels or diagnosis. There are varying degrees within any category. For me it just means I have to sort out the patterns and tendencies in my life so that I never go down those same paths again. I wish you the best in your journey, Elizabeth
