Thank you all for this video. That describes me pretty well, I am unfamiliar with sadness and I have masked it with anger. This is something I will work on. Thanks again.

Samuel, what is your favorite Richard Rohr book? Is there one in particular that helps with doing deep, internal work towards healing? Thank you!

Thank you Samuel for your blog. Would this explain why my US was acting so angry before Dday?. Would this apply to anger before disclosure too? I know my US was angry about lots of things he believed were true about our marriage and about me to justify what he was doing, and for some rightly so, I am human and definitely not perfect. He knew what he was doing wasn't right, as he tried to break his relationship with AP. AP is also married and has small children. They were on a 4 month break as "friends". During their "break" US would still confide in AP as a "friend", and left AP the window open to our lives. My US did not get angry at AP I think ever, as she was such a "good friend" but his stress levels while in the affair with AP were through the roof, and I had no idea why at the time.

It was a physical affair but even when on their "break" the emotional affair part was still going on, so to me his affair was well over a year continuously, as there was no "real break". I feel bad I took all his anger towards me like a champ and feel like a fool after knowing all the facts. All the things he was angry about I justified, I truly believed I deserved his anger. And instead of lashing out at his AP for being so needy, over demanding, neurotic, drama queen, clingy, unfaithful (AP had a fling with some other co-worker while they were on break) with clear histrionic tendencies, US would come home and lash out at me?. (I am really not even exaggerating AP's attributes, I am sure I am still missing a few) :) Is this anger normal before disclosure?, he still acted angry after disclosure but to a lesser degree. Not to make my self feel better but I am the opposite of his AP, I lack the crazy tendencies, the jealousy, the neediness, or being demanding. I ask myself why would he be attracted to so much instability? to so much drama? to so much neediness?

I am angry for what he put me through for well over a year, and to believe that I deserved it? makes me sick. He put a lot of guilt on me to justify what he was doing...and I fell for it. It makes me so mad. I know he wants nothing to do with his past or AP, and is seeking to heal himself and learning and taking the lessons from his bad choices, I know US is sorry and wishes he would take it all back. How do I get to understand his anger during the affair towards me? How do I get over my anger for what he put me through?

I am a female betrayed spouse and I am having a lot of anger still after 20 But sadness is a major part of my life now that no one understands all that I have lost because of his affair. And yes I get very angry and actually release it in the unhealthy ways yout stated. I try to remove myself from the situation but it usually esculates because he tries to make me stay in room with him. I just can't shake the intense anger

I am so thankful to you Samuel for not only this vlog but all of the work you and everyone at Affair Recovery does. Go bless you all.

This particular vlog hit home for me and has literally changed my whole outlook on life. I am just on 6 months out from D Day when I discovered my wifes affair. We have been married 19 years and together 23 years. We have two children both boys aged 8 and 10. I am 42 and my wife is 40. To say that I was completely blind sided by my wifes affair is the understatement of the century. Not only was I blind sided by it but upon confronting her with the evidence I had collated of the affair she told me that we were now seperated and that our marriage was over. We have maintained regular contact in our shared parenting responsibility but I have regularly damaged any progress we made by lashing out at my wife, only to feel overwhelming remorse immediately after. It was like I could not control my emotional outburts no matter how hard I tried. You have provided me with a fresh outlook and immediately I found renewed faith in our marriage. Its ok to be sad. I am extremely sad over whats happenes in my life recently. Not only did uncover my wifes affair 6 months ago but my father passed away 2 months prior to that. I did not give myself adequate time to grieve and accept that sadness is ok. I am allowed to cry. I am no less of a man for doing this. In fact I am a much better man for letting my emotions out. After viewing your vlog at least a dozen times and now understanding it with humility, I am just not angry at the world anymore and my family can fully enjoy having me around once again.

Thank you once again. Your work is truly noble.

Paul

Samuel, we are coming to the next EMS weekend, watching the blogs, doing the boot camp. I'm the betrayed spouse who has had a couple of DDays and then struggling with a husband is ambivalent about our future (I assume he has stopped seeing his AP). Now, I am struggling to get through my recovery and keep getting caught up in anger (something I am not used to carrying), my spouse tells me that he is ambivalent because he thinks I will always be angry and unhappy. I understand that it takes time but the ambivalence is creating more anger than the affair. We had planned to move out of state for my husband to continue with his education in a very demanding masters program and so time is not on our side.
We have 2 boys, (13 & 6), who are exhibiting anger and my oldest even said the dogs are more grumpy...
I feel that I have never been able to really deal with the affair, when I am not even sure where I will living in a couple of months. Which then also makes me angry... How do you deal with the compounding anger and a husband who is aware but avoids dealing with it?