such good content here to speak to. i hope this encourages you, but i'll try to be brief. for starters, she raged at me. samantha hit me a few times, relatively hard, but not in the face. it was painful for sure. she had a special cuss word for me that she used and to this day we joke how she called me that so many times and i had a word for her too. we had massive blowouts, that were not loud, but highly emotional as our kids were so young and fragile. we had it out in front of Rick before too. it was excruciating at times. i even carry a holiday inn express card in my wallet to remind me of the pain i caused by my choices and i never want to go there again.
for him to be a betrayed spouse, then to have his own affair, reveals that he may not have ever been healed adequately from the pain he experienced in his first marriage. many betrayed spouses who do not get the right kind of healing from their spouse's affair, end up having affairs of their own down the road. happens quite frequently unfortunately. it makes total sense that it would happen.
why would he let it? well, i'm sure he was blinded to it, as our pain blinds us. we think we should be happy and think we deserve to be happy and our expectations, and our pain blind us to reality. then, the right woman/man comes along, and we're hooked.
it was hard to take her anger as it would push me away, but i had to realize that she deserved to be angry and I had made her angry. i had to get over it at some level and had to have rick and a friend say "give her the right to be angry. remember what you've done here stupid. shes hurt and angry and scarred by what you've done. " your husband wont be able to take it or get it for very long without someone like that to help him see his own choices has brought this upon him and part of being a mature, responsible man,is taking responsibility for our choices. i had to learn that. he wont get that from you and you can't be the one to tell him, it will take a third party who is safe. her anger was hard to take, but as i took it, and as i allowed her to verbalize and share and grieve, it gave her safety that i wasn't leaving. she says to this day that by my continuing to pursue her and continuing to take it, i was showing her i was safe. i was worth a second chance. i was willing to do whatever it took to save my marriage. i gained her trust and willingness to take anothe chance by absorbing her anger and still pressing in. it was hard as all hell. but worth it.
but if all he gets is anger, he will eventually burn out and resent you for it. he will eventually tire out and give up hope and start to despair. you'll need to journal to help get it out of you for sure. and working out, walking, and sometimes samantha would go yell into her pillow. she really would. she would scream and id just let her. it helped. though painful, it needed to be done to help her get it out. she was mad at god, mad at me, mad at the ap, mad at everyone but our kids.
she got through it, but she had to take steps to get relief. you dont want to take the opinion of 'you cheated now you get the anger...' as that will exasperate him and ruin the chances at healing. plus that's a very self righteous mentality. but, you do deserve to get angry and have to have freedom to show anger. id get help so you can control the anger and yet still be able to show him how deeply he has hurt you.
i sure hope this helped. happy to dialogue more.

thanks so much for your kind words and reading the blog. samantha was angry for a while....it would ebb and flow. usually when she was triggered, she would tap into some deep anger, or sadness which would flow into anger.....she was angry for a good 6 months. up and down, ebb and flow, but at about 8 months or so we had hit some good momentum. she would still have some struggles, but for the most part, normal life had ensued and we were off and running. at a year mark, we had some tough times but we went to mentor at an ems weekend and though she was triggered by it, she was actually helped immensely by re hearing rick and the other therapists talk at the ems weekend, though we were helping mentor other couples. keep in mind we had excellen thelp though by rick so at a year, we were doing very well. most don't, unless they get expert help to minimize the collateral damage and the feeling of being stuck as their spouse, or themselves don't how how to navigate the pain and the hurt of it all. they just kinda grind it out and it hurts everyone immensely. let me ask why you can't leave the city you'r in? maybe you need to? if you can I would consider it, but if not, then i get it. for starters, Id really read as much as you can about triggers on the site. there are some good ones. here are a couple:
https://www.affairrecovery.com/node/12568

https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/2007-12
those may help you.
when we go back to california, we drive by our old house and what not every time, and samantha does really well with it. the triggers will ease up when you do a few things. 1. properly grieve. 2. shift your focus, meaning you shift what you're focusing on to another thing, issue, etc, 3. continue to educate yourself on how to deal with them 4. allow time to help in the process. its' not the only variable, but when you are proactive, along with time, it helps to get some momentum for your own healing and care. does this make sense?

for me, what worked was quite frankly having Rick and an old friend remind me why she was angry. they flat out had to tell me, 'do you realize what you've done?' 'why do you think she's angry?' remember what YOU did and why SHE is angry due to what YOU did.
i had shame for sure, which causes our own anger at ourselves, and then our spouse, as our spouse asking us questions, makes us get angry as it reminds us of our shame for what we've done and our guilt for what we've done. make sense? i had anger at myself for sure, and i had anger at my wife samantha, as early on, i felt somewhat justified in my affair as she rejected me so much and she pushed me away.
i also had a sense of failure which spawned more of my own anger but i realized i was angry at myself more than anyone really.
when samantha got angry, i had to remember, that I was the one who hurt her and keep things in proper perspective or else, i'd then get angry, then blow it and things would blow up.
i rode motocross bikes to get my own anger out. but samantha had it tough and i knew (from getting help from Rick) that eventually her anger would run out as she got healthier and healthier as I got healthier. if she hasn't gotten any really good help at all, then i fear her anger may last a while and carry on. but if she's gone to ems (i'm sorry as I don't remember all the details of any prior posts so I'm not sure) or if she hasn't taken harboring hope (for betrayed spouses) i'm afraid her anger will seem like adrenaline and at some level, she may rely upon it as it gets her going and provides energy and a sense of strength to her. it's deceptive, but getting you both help is the best remedy to help minimize it.
also, i remember in emmerson eggerich's book love and respect, he says 'lean into the anger/venom' and show your spouse you are safe and you can take it and you are wanting to help. when your spouse wants to know details, remember she is more than likely, (not always but more than likely) wanting to heal, wanting to connect, wanting to move forward, even if it comes out in anger or hostility or muddy.
hope that gives some insight for you on it. please let me know what else i need or should reiterate.