I was visiting with a betrayed spouse yesterday who was sharing some incredibly bad news about her spouse, her marriage and what she figured was the rest of her life. It was one of the most devastating stories I’ve heard in quite a while (and that’s saying something). While all of our stories are devastating at some level, we all have unique situations in our lives which force us to cry out for new life and new, tangible hope. But how do you find new life after the life you thought you were living has been not only upended, but sacrificed on the altar of another spouse’s choices? Or, how do you the unfaithful, find new life after you’ve basically obliterated the life you once had with your spouse and family?

The answer is nowhere near simple, but does exist. I used to think we simply bury our marriage and find new life in our marriage. Well, the problem is, most times we do have some wonderful history together before the affair and not all of it was bad, regardless of how we rewrite the history of it. The retort from the betrayed though is that we, the unfaithful have wasted all of that. I don’t believe that’s the case as usually, the entire marriage was not full of infidelity, betrayal and misery.  

Alternatively, that once beautiful marriage that seemed so perfect, or in some cases was still full of trouble, has been blown to bits. It can’t be put back together again the same way it was. Many memories, although not all memories, are still able to be cherished. The birth of kids, the early childhood years, family vacations, memories although seemingly jaded right now, still did happen. There was at one time, tangible love and adoration on both sides of the marriage.

Selfishness and deception have entered the picture. What is one to do to find new life when sandwiched between hopelessness and justifiable resentment and the ever present unknown? While I’ve pondered this many times, I think the best answer I can offer you that are not divorced and not already finding new life apart from your spouse, is resurrection.

Our marriages can in fact be resurrected when both parties are willing to give it a shot. We buried our marriage and it was Samantha who said to me “I’m willing to give God a chance to resurrect our marriage. We’ve had some wonderful times and we’ve had some excruciating times. I’m not sure if my love and respect for you can be resurrected but I’m willing to give God a chance to do it. We’ll get all the help we can and see what happens. Right now, I hate you. If he can heal that, I’m open. I make no promises except that I’ll try.”

To say we were both unsure is an understatement. We both wondered if our sex life would ever be the same. We wondered if we would ever be able to talk about anything besides the affair. We wondered if we could ever not have two great days, then 5 bad ones that made us want to quit, time and time again.

Nine years later, we’ve had (and continue to have) more good days and more thrilling days than we ever thought possible. Is the old marriage dead and gone? No. Were there some wonderful times? Without question. Is the new marriage even better? Without a doubt. Has it all been worth it, I mean really worth it? Yes, a million times yes. Every stinking inch has been worth it.

Can this happen in your marriage? I’ll just be honest: I’m not sure.  If you’re willing to try and give it a shot to be resurrected, then maybe it’s possible. I’m not sure where your spouse’s heart is and I’m not sure what help you’re getting. I do know there is new life for you both if you’re willing to try.