that makes it all worth it my friend.  i'm so glad you came, but even more glad that you found hope again for you both and your marriage.  i know it's a tough ride, but i'm so thankful for your kind words and belief in what we do.  you're going to make it and come out on the other side and help so many others heal.  thank you for sharing that with me. i'll share it with the team as well.  it means so much to receive notes like that. 

sorry for the delay.   i get it.  that's a great question.  here are a few bullet points:

1. after they receive expert care and that expert care has some time to work.  like coming to an ems weekend, and then giving it a few months for all that work to take effect.  

2. to expect the unf to work on wooing or pursue the betrayed and try to win them back, usually only comes after expert help as they are usually, not always, but usually so filled with shame condemnation and despair, (not to mention pity and self absorption) they don't usually woo back their spouse until they get expert help and see WHAT they need to do.  again, like a weekend intensive or seeing a true expert for an extended period of time. 

3. i think it's about creating safety....again, after they have gotten help and realize they need to actually do this, then i think it's creating safety in our lives...to show trust and establish trust again.  as i was able to show samantha safety, it really showed her i was trying and willing to do whatever it takes.  for me, creating safety meant some few but non negotiable expectations:  1. seeing my therapist regularly  2. meeting with my mentor once a week  3. leaving the ministry and working a normal, regular job and not being gone at night more than once or twice 4. i was to always always answer my phone unless i was with a client and then i would need to text her back in 10 minutes or she was calling again and this would be a big deal if i did not answer.  

those things and a few more would show her safety and reliability.  we would also date once a week, alone.  things like that helped her feel safe. 

i was taught all of those things.  they did not come naturally at all.  i had to be taught them and then they started to click with me and I would implement them as best I could.

i hope all this helps.  

hi bmerangel....i do believe that in cases like this, healing COULD  be possible.....however, and it's a huge, poignant however, this statement really sets the tone:  "regular promises for future rehab but has been getting no help for either addiction."  there is hope even in the face of addiction, as it does have a bit of a different protocol, however, if he won't get help for those addictions then you are right....there isn't much hope at all.  i do believe in both God and God's miracles, but we have free will and we have consequences to that free will...and if he won't own and get help for what he's struggling with, it's hard to believe that things will magically get better.   i'm so sorry for your lot right now....i know it's hard as hell, but you refusing to quit on you and those kids is paramount my sweet friend.  

hi there.  i'm very sorry for the delay, but didn't see the comment and was out of town today till now.  again, my apologies as i never want viewers to feel ignored, but there is life that gets in the way. i know what it's like to be alone and hopeless so i'd like to be as responsive as i can be.  for starters, i'm sorry that she won't get help.  it's always very concerning when a spouse won't get help and one therapist put it this way:  if a spouse is unwililng to get expert help, often times (though not always) it's because they know what they are doing or how they are handling themselves is wrong and they don't want to be confronted by an expert.  so there's that.  

2nd of all, as you'll hear in my videos, if spouses/partners are NOT willing to get expert help, there is a point where you have to ask yourself, are you willing to be patient enought that even if they don't get help, you're willing to stay in the marriage?  it varies for people.  some are, some aren't and that's totally OK either way.  YOU have to walk this out, not me, not counselors, not friends, not family etc,....YOU so you have to do what you feel is right and what you feel like (in your case) God is telling you to do.  so, if you're not willing to stay in the face of her refusal to get help, then your days may be numbered.  if you are willing to do all you can, even in the face of her not being willing to get help, then i think you have to do all you can for you and all the work you can on you, to get healthy and hope and pray that she may one day be wiling to get help due to the significant changes in your own life due to your own recovery work.  does that make sense?  i hope it helps you.