Infidelity absolutely rips at the seams of self-reliance.  I was in fact, one of those people years ago. I believed the adage “If it was to be, it was up to me.” I was a “make it happen” kind of guy indeed. I believed my destiny and the outcome of anything was up to me and my choices and my ability. My self-will factor was off the charts.

Then my infidelity surfaced and my life was ripped apart. One of the biggest struggles of my recovery was absorbing the reality that I was NOT in control of Samantha’s recovery. I was barely in charge of my own recovery due to the fact that I was such a mess mentally, emotionally and even spiritually.

Success in life seduces us into self-reliance and self-sufficiency. When we hit a crisis and life changing events like infidelity, our self-reliance can explode. Sure we try to manage things, manage our spouse and manage this collective upheaval with the same self-reliance that caused the situation in the first place, as we are about to implode with frustration and exhaustion.

I’ve found that when we hit this sort of trauma, it’s a call away from self-reliance and self-sufficiency. It’s a push for us crying out for something bigger than ourselves. It’s a cry for someone else to be in charge. If you subscribe to any sort of faith in Christ, these thoughts may resonate with you. If you are not a believer of any sort, I understand and believe me, there is no condemnation from me at all. I support your right to believe what you like and live accordingly.

For me, I’ve found that the pressures in my life, including the past crisis of infidelity, was and is a call away from self-reliance, and a call to living in humble dependence upon Christ for his grace, mercy and strength to go on. It’s a huge reminder to where my strength comes from and where my eyes are to be focused upon. I’ve seen what I’m capable of when I presume I am in charge of everything.

It is not an excuse to do nothing. Nor is it permission to remain shackled in indifference and ambivalence. But is an awareness that I can’t make this happen on my own. I couldn’t make Samantha forgive me. I couldn’t make her trust me again. I couldn’t make my marriage better. I had to submit to a process that was bigger than me, and then do what I needed to do out of obedience and commitment to possible restoration. The list of what needed to be done was endless….but I was doing it out of surrender and trust in Christ, not out of manipulative strategy to control all variables in life, to gain the upper hand, forcing my will into existence.

It was one of the toughest parts of my own recovery and I think I hated about all of it.

But it was a reprogramming to me as a person and to our marriage. After all, my self-sufficiency and self-reliance only created a world of selfishness, dysfunction and control. I was a human wrecking ball and it was my doing, not anyone else’s.

I hope and pray you give way to surrender today. I pray you are able to see just how much of a lifestyle change this moment is for you and for your spouse.

If I can help at all, please feel free to reach out.