The Need for Objectivity One of the greatest needs during marital crisis, and especially marital crisis due to infidelity, is objectivity. The case for objectivity is iron clad, as it provides an irreplaceable ingredient for stabilization and understanding. It’s a pretty fair assumption that much of what you say to your spouse is going to be seen through the filter of the years of history you all have as a couple. There is a lens they will see you through, and that lens is clouded with blame, justification, childhood issues, anger and several other factors. The fact is they just can’t hear you. You’re not the objective one. In their eyes, you’re the one who’s either made them cheat or you’re the cheater. You’re the one who has forced their hand, or has been led to seek affirmation, love and applause elsewhere. (Keep in mind this is an example of justification, not any kind of truth.) To think that anyone in this situation carries objectivity is an illusion. Without a third party who is truly objective and can help filter through the malaise of defensiveness, justification, hurt and uncertainty, it will be an unnecessarily slow road to any sort of clarity, momentum and long term healing. Objectivity is able to see through the deception which has created the affair in the first place, while also helping to provide insight into what a spouse may truly feel, but remains unable to express. Objectivity also is a key factor in deciding whether you want to stay in the marriage and give it a try, or move on without your spouse due to the lack of safety they display in their life. When objectivity enters the picture, both spouses can find level ground to ultimately make short term and long term decisions which will provide some sense of a stabilizing direction to take. Objectivity will also be somewhat of a trampoline to the sense of being ‘stuck’ due to stubbornness or ignorance on how to move forward. Without objectivity however, you’ll constantly be going back and forth trying to appropriately label the bad guy, while never being able to gain any momentum. Without objectivity, you’ll continue to punish your mate for their choices and for their inability to see what they also have done, whether unfaithful or betrayed. Without objectivity, one spouse continues their tail spin, feeling justified in their actions, never understanding that what they feel is a mere feeling at best, and not a truth. Without truth entering the equation, you or your spouse may remain a prisoner to emotions, self-deception and confusion, failing to realize there is truly hope to be found. When hope is perceived, it can launch you into a systematic approach to arrive at clarity and understanding, which can provide empathy, humility and even forgiveness. I hope you’ll start a quest today to find objectivity from those who have gone this way before. From the website, to the courses, to the helpful staff at Affair Recovery, there is compassionate objectivity to be found when you search for it.
