Samuel,

I understand what you are saying completely, but what do you suggest otherwise? What are some constructive ways to handle the anger and betrayal of an AP who was friend of the family? How do I, The Betrayed, move past the betrayal knowing there is a strong likelihood that we will see her at community events and neighborhood stores? How do I move past the betrayal when she, herself, will not let go?

My H's AP does not get that the affair is o-v-e-r. How does The Betrayed NOT feel violated? Or at the very least how does The Betrayed overcome that feeling of being violated when the AP is still out there, lingering?

This is an aera I have to walk a fine line and I know I have stepped over more times then not. Part of the problem is I suspect my wife fell victim to limerance everything I seem to be able to piece together it is the only thing that seem to make sence of my wife's behavior. This is a problem many of the things I have read about over coming it is starting to look back and see just how really he was and to start to to understand that most of what she knew of him is false. While under the spell of limerance the object of your attraction never seems to have any flaws, which is just not the case. So they or her in my wife's case has to start to take the blinders off and get honest with what really happened and who he really is. I know what kind of guy he is but for some reason my wife can not. I know I have gotten frustrated many times and got rather blue t with her as to watch manner of man (and I use that term loosely) he really is. I just wish my wife had someone who would help her see the truth I am sure it would really help with her healing. I think the only reason it has not been a bigger problem is that it usually get's brought after she has done something she should not have. But yes I do see that it tends to give the impression in her eyes that I am attacking her.
David

Samuel, you are absolutely right. It does not help. I have done this and I am ashamed of it. I am trying to be a better person and feel some compassion for her. Her last ugly text to me just made me shake my head, feel pity, and then pray for God to bless her and forgive her.

But I am still trying to get over my husband trashing ME to the affair partner!

Trashing and exposing the AP has given me quite a bit of gratification that I so needed as the betrayed spouse. I felt like it was my duty to expose her to the community for the home wrecker that she is. So far it has been my only reward in this bottomless pit of pain.

I wish my wife would take a course any course. We did EMSO she did little to no work, we started Married for Life again no effort I have pretty much given up on that it is not a one person course. Anything to do with her affairs and she shuts down. It takes me a long time to to get any movement in the right direction, I can not fir the life of me get her to open up and have a meaningful discussion about what happened and what has to change.I give her some things to read but I do not know if she gets anything out of it. I know she wants to stay married I have given her many chances to leave if she wants, told her if she wants out I will do what ever I can to make it as smooth as possible, but no she stays. I suspect she is still not come to a real understanding as to what happened and why. I can not answer that for her she has to understand thst for herself, I think I know why and I can make coments but I can not get her to look very deep into what happened. I with the grace of God healed on my own in a very short time but I suspect she is still struggling, I think she is just trying to bury in down inside and move on. I know thst will mot work and have told y hat to her many times. I will keep at it trying to get her to get involved with other women who have fone what she has and made it through. It was a shame we had another couple at the start of EMSO with the wife who was also the unfaithful one but they did not make it and dropped. I did want to thank you for all the blogs you post they are great reads just wish thete was someone blogging who was the betrayed would love to hear from the other side it could be a real help I suspect that most of the readers again not all but I bet most are the betrayed looking for help with the pain.
David

You're right about trashing the AP. It does SEEM cathartic at times, but deep down inside It really doesn't do any for MY HEALING. My husband had affairs because of sexual addiction. So, His cheating was NEVER ABOUT HOW SEXY ANY OF THEM WERE ( they weren't).
He said, "I just wanted to feel better about myself." He chose females that were of ill repute, unattractive, drug addicted, obese...it brings tears to my eyes to think of it.
They KNEW HE HAD SOMEONE ELSE, but their low sense of self compelled them to try to "one up" another female! In this case, unfortunately, it just HAPPENED TO BE ME.
The very idea of two desperate, empty people mating like animals, and coming up with less than they had is heartbreaking. I shared this analogy with husband, and he cried. He says that his life, gifts, purity, and love were WASTED trying to get that "love." The shame of being caught, confronted, and cast out drove him to a failed suicide and nervous breakdown.
He found the Lord through a Former Vietnam Vet and a Christian Counselor.
He's also attended EVERY MANS BATTLE sponsored by New Life Ministries and Steve Arterburn.

Samuel thank you for your reply I would love to try to get my wife into that new weekend seminar that is being put on by beyond affairs for unfaithful unfaithful women in July. I have talked to her about it but I am sure she will point out we do not have the money for it but some how I would love to get her there. I just think at an event like that with face to face contact with other women like her she might open up and start real healing. I fear like EMSO just doing calls once a week it is just real easy to fake it. But that is my hope. Thank you for your offer of help.
David

Dear Samuel, My husband had emotional affairs with two women at the same time. Both were long distance, one lived in Europe, the second one lived in an Asian country. The European woman was particularly active in pursuing him. During the first year of our marriage, she was calling him at home, wrote to him, even when we were on an overseas trip, she called him there. He answered the first call, and spoke to her on the phone for over two hours in front of his family. She invited him to go to her country, and he wanted to go. That was the first time, I thought enough was enough, I told him no. The second time she called, I answered the phone and told her to go to hell. She was such a scheming and evil person. I remembered soon after we got back from our honeymoon, we received many cards from people wishing us all the best with our future life together, but she wrote a letter to tell him in English how much she appreciates his understanding of her and the special connection they have with each other, whereas her boyfriend could not really understand her and so on. After this initial letter in English, later, all the letters were written in her own language, of which my husband was fluent in it. There was no mentioning of my name or the fact that my husband is now married. That letter was FOR ME to read. They were friends before he met me and they continued the friendship after we got married. Initially, it was just friendship, I was allowed access to his communication with her, but soon I was barred from having access, except that they continued to communicate with each other before my eyes. He lost his sleep when she got ill, but kicked me out of the bedroom when I got sick, as my cough kept him awake. I was not allowed to spend $5.00 to hire a medical device to help me breath, but he could spend more than $700 to make a phone call to comfort her. When she called him at home, or wrote to him, she never once acknowledged my name. When I picked up the phone, she would not say hello to me, she would asked for my husband's name straight away. I was uneasy with the development and what was happening, but I wanted to trust him and didn't dare because he was always angry with me as his relationship with her progressed further. The relationship was forced to cut off when we returned from our first overseas trip, I had big fights with him and told him that I had enough of his relationship with her. But he defended her that she is just a friend. During those times, he got physically violent with me. For more than 27 years, he accused me of being paranoid and told me that this woman is not a bad person at all. For years, I lived in guilt and even went to see a number of psychiatrists to work out if I were mentally ill. I questioned my reality all the time. Last year, she made contact with him again. She tracked him down by contacting one of his friends on Facebook and told the friend that she has been looking for him all these years. This triggered a round of conflicts, I didn't want my husband to reply to her request, he again accused me of being paranoid, that's when I really started to lay out to him all her evil actions and intentions. Initially he defended her, by kept saying that her actions were wrong but her motives were pure, she is a friend who is trying to reconnect. So we did a test, I sent her his phone number via WhatsApp, she didn't bother say thank you, except to send him a text with her contact details. When he didn't reply, she then sent me a message at WhatsApp, with this message, "Hi there, you must be his wife, he didn't respond, should I email him instead?" Obviously by looking at my WhatsApp profile photo, she worked out who I was, again, no acknowledging of my name, but trying to manipulate me to give her his email address. (By this time, we both had agreed that he had an emotional affair with her. My husband said that he accepted that his relationship with her was very inappropriate, but it is all his fault, that woman was innocent and didn't know that it was inappropriate to contact her). Of course, my husband still refused to see what she was trying to do. Until we watched the segment by Rick in which he talked about the 20 things that the Unfaithful partner should not do, which included don't defend the affair partner. Of course, your number of vlogs in which you talked about don't be defensive. It was then that he slowly turned around and started to recognize how evil this woman was, our situation started to turn the corner when he started to acknowledge that she is NOT an innocent party. He has hurt me and SO DID SHE, and DELIBERATELY TOO.
The second woman was his University friend, during our overseas trip, he made arrangement for a stopover at her country. As soon they saw each other, they treated me as an invisible person. They were physically touching each other, whispering to each other as a lovey dovey couple. Apparently, even though she was already engaged when they were in Uni, she would often behaved very inappropriately with a number of men, including toward my husband, I have seen his photos of her sitting on his laps, hugging him intimately. Now she was married, but she still did exactly the same thing here. After we got married, they kept in contact via email which I had no idea of what they wrote to each other. But she never wrote to him at home nor called him at home. She was more of an opportunistic affair partner.
Both of these women were highly educated and they knew exactly what they were doing. Now, tell me how can I not angry with those two women. You used the words "Stop Trashing". Well, I was trashed by these two women and my husband in their words and actions, they treated me like trash. It takes two to tangle, my husband was wrong but so was his affair partners, particularly the European woman. I understand what you are saying and my husband said the same thing that my criticism of those two women felt like a direct attack on him. My answer was I am sorry that's how you feel, but I am simply stating the facts, because I am sick of being treated like a trash all these years, while those two women were the precious pearls in your heart. If you were genuine in wanting to make a change in our marriage, then that's the sacrifice that you need to make and stop defend the indefensible. I am sorry that what I said make you feel like it is a direct attack, but you need to own up the carnage that the three of you have caused. Most importantly, IF YOU REFUSED TO CONDENM THE ACTIONS OF THESE TWO WOMEN, THEN WHAT GUARANTEE YOU NOT TO FALL INTO THE SAME MISTAKES IN THE FUTURE. If you were over them as you said you were, then why were you still defending them? If you were serious about making a change, then you need to own up your mistake, your choices, including the consequences. I now suffered from PISD as a result of his affairs, I have nightmares and flashbacks, I have so many suicidal thoughts, if it weren't for my faith in Jesus (by the grace of God, he is now a believer as well), I would have killed myself. So, why shouldn't I point out how evil these two women were/are? I have had discussion with many betrayed partners and they all said that healing and feeling of safety only started for them when the unfaithful starts to hold the affair partner accountable and no longer defends the affair partner, that is when they feel that the unfaithful partner has began to change and started to feel that it's safe to start the recovery work. If the unfaithful is serious, the first thing they should do is stop defending the indefensible.