I’m trying really hard to find myself again and struggle daily because of my impatient self working through my UH’s unbelievable selfishness and my own shortcomings.
I frequently wonder why I am not farther along in my own recovery as a betrayed spouse.
My world has been going through the psychological trauma of earthquakes, tsunamis, cyclones, hurricanes, horrendous blizzards of epic proportions and I wonder how it is that I am not farther along from betrayal of a magnitude that I’m not even sure what it is that I can start to begin to forgive MYSELF for, let alone, what is it that I am willing and able to forgive my unfaithful for?
Do I need to forgive myself for tagging along with the kids that were in my care and he was their instructor that snowy ski day? What was the allure? How far back do I need to forgive myself for? I married him thinking that after dating/living together for 4-5 years that I knew what it was that made him “tick.” I saw him as a positive example of a decent human being and that together we could be a positive force in this world, and together, we could support each other for the betterment of our world. . .
What I didn’t know is that he didn’t disclose that he had cheated on his ex wife in our dating relationship. Their divorce was mutual after a less than two year marriage. No children, no monetary investments together and the divorce was final without strings attached. (I have sense found out that those strings were still attached) I didn’t even know him when he was married to her. I had no idea about what sex addiction was , either. I know about how damaging it was to be in a teenager’s world with alcoholism.
My world has been real with some wonderful highs and difficult lows in my life journey so far.
Sadly, my unfaithful was hiding from the possibility of having a truly brilliant life because of how his dark, cowardly, selfishness impacted so many people in his life and our lives together.
Yes, we look successful from the outside world. There are others who think that they want to emulate our relationship because of what they have seen. What a wonderful compliment from these younger couples.
Sadly, now I have to say that what they don’t know is that they are only seeing the “pretend normal” and I am not even sure that is what it is. Maybe, more like this is the shell shock version of what CPTSD looks like.
Recovery work is emotionally difficult and mentally draining. It’s taking energy, courage, strength, empathy, compassion time and money that I would rather spend on a thousand other things to get THROUGH the muckiest years of my life journey. I’m learning how to do this with tiny steps forward and just as many awkward steps backward finding what it is that qualifies as recovery. Keep breathing and keep going forward.
Thank you Samuel for continuing to go through this incredibly difficult journey to help many of us find a rewarding life story ahead for each and every one of us willing and courageous enough to be exposed in such an intimate way.