Often times the betrayed spouse is infuriated by the ambivalence of the unfaithful spouse. The very fact that they do not know who they want to be with, their affair partner or their spouse, is enough to incite feelings of rejection which eventually spill over into rage, hopelessness and eventually deep despair. My question for the betrayed is, “Why wouldn’t your spouse feel ambivalent?”

It requires a bit of an exploration into the mind of the unfaithful to understand the ambivalence. Remember, the unfaithful has been living in a bit of a fantasy world. Affairs create the possibility for an unfaithful spouse to construct a new reality: sex as often as you want, no responsibility to care for the mood and desires of the other, no rejection or hard work to connect, non-stop affection and applause, no bills, no kids to care for, and no baggage full of unresolved anger, issues, resentment or frustration. More and more, the unfaithful describe “finding their soul mate” in their affair partner, when 5, 10, or 20 some odd years earlier they married their very soul mate then.  

It’s just not real. They’ve deceived themselves into thinking that this affair is the answer to all of life’s issues. All this to say, there are reasons they are ambivalent. They’ve genuinely deceived themselves. They don’t know which way is up or down and do not realize at all there are other people living in this soap opera they have created. Their hearts have grown hard, and a hard heart always caters towards personal and moral blindness. It’s no wonder they are so ambivalent.  

It’s along this path that the betrayed spouse has a choice to make. They want to be wanted like any human being. They automatically revert many times to “If he/she doesn’t want me, then I have no interest in saving the marriage.” They ‘want to be wanted’ and rightly so. However, my submission to the betrayed is, the unfaithful don’t know what they want and they are far too unhealthy to make any decisions right now. You could be making a decision far too early in the process, too. It’s not about a competition with the affair partner, although some unhealthy unfaithful spouses will ultimately make it just that: who wants me more and is willing to woo me back to them. In many cases, the ambivalence is an attempt to control both the spouse and the affair partner, and it’s usually the spouse who realizes the game and puts an end to it. The betrayed spouse wants to be wanted, but to decide prematurely to close the door to any possibility of restoration out of rejection or anger, I think is a mistake. It’s a process to recovery and it’s a process to the unfaithful coming up for air and finding clarity. We all want to be wanted and it’s probably that very desire which has allowed vulnerability in the mind and heart of the unfaithful spouse and made room for the affair. It’s not right, it just is.

I would encourage the betrayed spouse to give room to the idea that we cannot die on the cross of “if you don’t want me like I deserve to be wanted, we’re done.” It’s not that simple. Waiting for them to want you may seem like an eternity, but it doesn’t have to be. The full court press I suggest is using any and all leverage to get expert quality help. If they are not willing to get help, quite honestly they will usually not sober up on their own and return home filled with new found desire for their spouse, nor will you be able to simply suck up the feelings and anger you’ve been processing. It will take support to help the unfaithful to sober up and find clarity. The pull of the illicit affair and fantasy world will be too much to overcome more times than not. Push instead for expert help, and if they are not willing to get the kind of help they need, perhaps that may be more of a defining moment for your own ambivalence than anything. For more help on how to approach the ambivalent about taking action this article may be of some support: https://www.affairrecovery.com/dealing-infidelity-how-get-your-mate-cooperate-without-being-controlling