You wrote above “the unfaithful (in this particular situation) become distressed as well and oftentimes show their distress with defensiveness, anger, rage and deflection.”
I had the thought this morning on a forum post that it’s the same thinking/actions at work in this scenario that went into the acting out behaviors. The unfaithful is unable to “hold space” for their betrayed partners in the same way they were unable to “hold space” for themselves when they were wounded and lost. They could not cope with the intensity of their own emotions in the same way they cannot cope with the intensity of emotions in the one they wounded. Instead of finding healthy ways to deal with pain, they medicated it, shoved it away, covered it up with acting out behaviors. Is it any wonder they now can’t respond in a healthy way to their partner’s pain?
This certainly poses a dilemma for all involved. In the early days after disclosure, I remember thinking to myself about my unfaithful husband, “How can I expect him to show up for me when I’m suffering, he has no clue how to deal with pain, his own and mine. His way of dealing with his own pain landed us in this mess.”
This is one of the things he’s had to learn. He’s had to first acknowledge the crappy things life handed him as a young boy; it’s been too painful for him to even look at for years and years. Then he’s had to look inward and see the self-inflicted pain of his choices; he became the opposite of the man he wanted to be in this life. When you have no clue how to deal with your own pain, how in the world can you adequately respond to the pain of those who you love?
I have to say, three years of us being open and honest about all of this and getting the needed outside help has been so beneficial. I’ve had to keep my expectations low in regard to comfort from him as he isn’t always capable. Thankfully I know how to receive the comfort I require in healthy ways - from my faith, from friends and family, from reading and podcasts, and from those wiser than I. My husband has learned to be there for me most of the time, but there are still moments when he lapses into old patterns of defensiveness and shame. It’s been good for me to understand that healing is a process and there will be hiccups along the way.
Thank you for your continued investment in the healing of others.