Category 6: Love Addiction

Love addiction is characterized by a repetitive pattern of moving from relationship to relationship seeking a love that never lasts. Although these relationships may involve sex, the craving and compulsion tend to be relational instead of sexual. This category differs from emotional affairs in that it's more about experiencing intense feelings than about friendship.

It is a hopeless search for "falling in love" with "the one" who can help them sustain the intense emotional feelings generated by the first stage of a relationship. This never-ending search and the fear that there may be something more poignant to a future relationship prevents them from ever fully committing. Having discovered that their mate isn't "Mr. or Mrs. Right", these people compulsively pursue the search for their soul mate.

M. Scott Peck, in his book, A Road Less Traveled, differentiates true love from false love (he would call it romantic love). He explains that what one experiences when they "fall in love" is not love at all. It is not even about the other person. It is about how the other person makes one feel about oneself. Peck would even surmise that anyone who has "fallen in love" will eventually fall "out of love" and then must choose true love. True love is about knowing the other person and letting the other person know you. This is healthy intimacy, not the false intimacy the love addict has mistaken for love.¹

Characteristics of Love Addiction:

• Tends to occur more frequently with females.
• The unfaithful spouse is usually ambivalent about their marriage.
• The unfaithful spouse may overvalue the person they are infatuated with.
• The unfaithful spouse is incapable of judging the negative characteristics of their affair partner. While they may see the defects, they won't give these defects any weight. Instead, they'll see them as unique or special.
• There may or may not be an actual relationship with the person with whom they are infatuated; it can be more like an obsession that is not reciprocated.
• The unfaithful spouse frequently complains about the lack of romantic love in the marital relationship.
• The unfaithful spouse may feel they've married the wrong person.
• The unfaithful spouse experiences intrusive thoughts about their romantic partner. They may spend as much as 80% of awake time thinking about this person, trying to determine how the other person feels about them.
• The obsessive nature of the relationship creates unrealistic expectations of the "love object" in regards to how they want to be shown love in return.

I hope this information helps you to get your feet on the ground in your recovery, and I hope it encourages you to know that you are not alone, no matter which category you fall into! There is hope regardless of what's happened, but you have to do the necessary work. I also hope you'll take advantage of the resources at Affair Recovery. We would be honored to do what we can to help.

If you and your spouse desire a new marriage, you may want to consider participating in our EMS Online course. EMS Online is a safe place for you and your spouse to start a new beginning with expert care and curriculum from those who have gone through it before. Click here for more information and to register today at 12:00 PM Central : /product/ems-online