Category 5: Emotional Affair

The emotional affair is about a "special friendship." Frequently, the two who are "just friends" share something in common such as work or exercise. The affair partner provides emotional support and validation for the unfaithful spouse. As Shirley Glass says, the emotional affair partner serves as vanity mirror for wayward spouses while their mate is a magnifying mirror that reveals all of their flaws.¹

The unfaithful spouse will claim they are just friends, but as Shirley Glass says, anytime you have to put the word "just" in front of the word "friend," there's a problem.² A lack of sexual involvement with the affair partner may allow the unfaithful spouse to morally justify the relationship, but technicalities in no way absolve the betrayal perpetrated against their mate.

Frequently, the unfaithful spouse will accuse the betrayed spouse of being jealous if they raise any concerns about the relationship in an effort to turn the heat from the illicit relationship to the character of the spouse. The absence of sexual involvement doesn't change the level of devastation experienced by the betrayed spouse. In fact, many spouses who have been betrayed by an emotional affair state that it would have been easier to accept an affair that was just about sex.

The notion that a lack of sexual involvement somehow prevents this type of relational intimacy from being an affair is baffling. Anytime someone other than our mate is permitted to enter the most intimate areas of our life, we are giving away something that we have no right to give.

At Affair Recovery, we agree with the late Frank Pittman who defined infidelity as "the keeping of secrets." If the unfaithful spouse tries to hide their interactions with the other person, it's most likely an affair. If the unfaithful spouse seems to be closer to the other person than to his or her mate then, in my opinion, the affair has already begun. Peggy Vaughn says, "Emotional affairs are physical affairs that have yet to get physical".³

Characteristics of an Emotional Affair:

• The unfaithful spouse violates marital boundaries by sharing information that should be exclusive to the marriage.
• The unfaithful spouse has a greater level of emotional intimacy with the affair partner than they have with their mate.
• The relationship is justified by putting the word "just" in front of the word "friend."
• The affair partner can see into the marriage, but the betrayed spouse isn't allowed see into their mate's relationship with the affair partner.
• The unfaithful spouse is more protective of the affair partner than of their mate.

If these characteristics of an emotional affair describe the betrayal you are experiencing or the relationship you have engaged in outside of your mate, this is not something that will go away on its own. Explore our courses to get help alongside others navigating similar circumstances or reach out to our staff to find the right next step for your situation.