“If my husband ever cheated on me I’d leave him in a heartbeat.”
This is what one of our friends blurted out in reference to the news of some celebrity’s infidelity. The woman who made this comment didn’t know that I had been unfaithful to my wife. This was not the first time we heard someone say this – and it would not be the last.
It was early on in our recovery and this was a major trigger for my wife. My wife was flooded with a rush of emotions. Sadness. Fear. Panic. Along with being bombarded with these feelings, she was also deluged with questions:
- Was she doing the right thing by trying to work things out with me?
- Was I really earnest in my recovery?
- Was I still lying to her?
- Was my “recovery” just another deception like my affair?
- Was she being stupid for staying with me?
It seemed like so many people were so certain what they would do in her situation, and yet she was filled with doubts. She wished that she could be strong and decisive like they were.
And yet, their “apparent certainty” is not based in reality. The truth is until their world is turned upside down and everything they had come to believe about their spouse is being called into question - they have no idea what they will do. They really don’t. Until their world is blown apart, they don’t know how they will respond.
Infidelity is a crisis like no other. It is unwise to make life-changing decisions in the midst of a crisis unless you absolutely have to. My wife was advised by wise counsel from AR to wait 12-18 months before she made any decision about whether or not to stay with me. Early on she continued to have many of the same feelings and she did second-guess herself. There were times she felt she couldn’t continue. However, regardless of what she felt, she did choose to wait and see. And as she did, things became self-apparent and her doubts began to disappear. (Of course, her doubts were assuaged only with the evidence of me taking full responsibility for what I had done and evidence of my own recovery).
Going through the recovery process over time is the right thing to do. It really is the only way to make an informed decision.
Comments
I don't know that I buy this
And I'll tell you why;
I'm in this position now. My wife had an affair, and I'm working through it with the ARC team. But you know, here's the problem;
Waiting 12-18 months? That is giving it enough time, taking enough therapy, to say "OK, I'm at a point where the shock and pain has worn off and I've learned ways to cope with what you did so we can move forward...from something you weren't supposed to do in the first place and can NEVER undo".
Effectively, I don't know that going with that first reaction of "If you do this I'm leaving" isn't the right thing to do because you are holding someone to the very standards they SWORE to when they married you. You, as the one violating the deal? Well of course you feel that way. Me, as the person who got cheated on? I struggle with this. And I struggle because of the fact that if I wasn't important enough to be faithful to from the word "go", which is what a marriage IS, then why should I make you important enough to suffer through all of this? And before you, or anyone else on this board, starts with the starts downt he road of "divorced people are less happy then the ones who get therapy and stay in their marriage", let's
clear that one up right now; they are less happy if they don't get therapy, too. THAT is the apples to apples comparison; if I get therapy and learn to deal with it after a divorce, I'm going to be just as fine as someone who gets therapy and stays IN the marriage.
I am a married man who will always know that another man out there had sex with my wife. 12-18 months from now? I'll still be that person. I'll just have given her enough time to try and make me comfortable enough with that to stay. And that's a VERY different argument than the one being made here. It doesn't mean you're wrong to posit this, it just means the framework is a little one sided.
Three options
I know Brother. I am not
I know Brother. I am not much further down that road you are traveling. I have not perfected what I preach, but I can promise that once you make a decision...either way...things will get slowly better with time. You will be able to live with this burden, as you realize the importance of forgiveness and experience the grace it offers.
I know it is hard to see that ever happening, but things will (slowly) get better for you. You may not find perfect peace, but you will feel some sanctuary in taking control of this awful and unfair situation. I promise that you will become a stronger, more respected and better man by making and standing by your decision.
I wish you the best.
help please
Transparency
Help Please
I feel the same way. I didnt do anything wrong,yet he gets mad at me when I dont believe him after he lied and cheated for almost 4 years. Im working my butt off trying to fix this marriage and getting nothing in return. So to me it would be so much easier to just walk away and move on with my life and be rid of all this.
This is the 2nd time I know
This is the 2nd time I know my husband has cheated in 3 years ~ I filed for divorce and we signed papers as I was crying like a baby~ I don't want to divorce him, but I'm tired of others looking at me like I'm an idiot ~ I have told my family what has been going on and they want us to divorce, and they all tell me I'm crazy if I don't ~ I just want things to be right with us ~ I want our kids to have their mom and dad in the home as a family ~ he is now saying no more bullcrap ~ that he was stupid and he loves me ~ well when he says that I cling to it and think nothing else ~ what's wrong with me?
Likewise
I didn't understand this
Thank you!!! Still married
Thank you!!! Still married after being betrayed, but I couldn't agree with you more.
How can I trust again.
12-18 months?
My husband and I have only been married a year. Three weeks ago, he disclosed to me that he has had multiple affairs of different types since we got engaged (about 18 months ago). My biggest struggle with a lot of the advice is that one should wait 12-18 months before making any big decisions. Although at times I do want to stick with him, recover, and create something better, a large part of me just doesn't see much hope in the situation. Waiting for 12-18 months to see if this might work? That's longer than we have even been married! I worry that I will just end up wasting more time on this when I spend that time moving on and moving forward.
Thank you for sharing
This article was really helpful. thank you for sharing from your perspective.
I am the recovery partner, and this has been so helpful. I've ran into so many negative people who are not supportive of me staying in my 10-year relationship after infidelity. it has been a roller coaster of emotions because people always assume that you are better off without that person but sometimes we have really good partners, and they mess up. and those negative people don't make the recovery process any easier. they actually make it harder. this gave me hope to know that my feelings are right because as much as it hurt i got the best husband afterwards.